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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

260 replies

buckeejit · 04/12/2022 10:06

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

OP posts:
TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 04/12/2022 11:32

The teacher shouldn’t have put DD into that position.

Having said that, this is a great opportunity to start teaching assertiveness, boundaries and that girls do not always have to ‘be kind’. It’s perfectly okay to say to someone in authority, no I’d really like to be Mary, if that’s what you actually want.

PoseyFlump · 04/12/2022 11:32

Mary's costume isn't exactly complicated. Sounds fishy to me.

frami · 04/12/2022 11:32

The school my children went to had 2 of each character each child would take part in a morning and an evening performance. Enabled more children to have big parts, ensured there was always an understudy who knew the role available in case of illness etc and meant that more families could attend. Maybe you could suggest this to the school?

crochetmonkey74 · 04/12/2022 11:34

Oooooooooooooh · 04/12/2022 10:53

Oh give over @crochetmonkey74 an apology would go along way , or are teachers above common decency?
I'll always apologise to students if I feel I've made a mistake

Of course, so do I. But it's a horrible slippery slope when parents think they can demand it

RoachPussy · 04/12/2022 11:35

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

Your DD did what she thought was the right thing to do, she sounds lovely. I don’t feel that your DD warrants an apology as ultimately she ok’d it. It’s a learning opportunity for your DD that you don’t have to say yes to someone if you don’t mean it.

FatimaHatima · 04/12/2022 11:35

The most important thing you can do as a parent is to validate her feelings and agree that its not fair. She will remember the injustice but she will also remember that her mum was on her side and didn't try and make her feel like it was ok that she was treated that way, or that she should put up with it without a word.

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 11:37

Also is it a proper nativity or one where the story is shoehorned into the play so that everyone across the classes can have a part. DS played a Christmas parcel one year and a bank manager the next!

Sprogonthetyne · 04/12/2022 11:37

I feel so much for your DD, it's 30 years on and I'm still a little sore about Andrea (total bitch) turning up with a fancy mask and stealing my role as the star the Kings follow.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/12/2022 11:37

Suffrajitsu · 04/12/2022 11:22

Doing the decent thing doesn't make you a puppet. If you have needlessly disappointed a child, it's not a small decision to her, it's a great big one. You shouldn't be made to apologise because you should do it off your own bat.

Show quote history

Exactly

tsmainsqueeze · 04/12/2022 11:39

cansu · 04/12/2022 10:16

Seriously? Fwiw if I was the teacher in this scenario I would tell your dd that I eas sorry she was upset. I would also explain that sometimes it is difficult to organise shows and that I thought being an angel would be a lovely part for her. I would think you were an utter drama llama and would offer you a role in organising and sorting costumes out for a load of nine year old.

Mean response , this is a big thing for a child , we all have responsibility in our job ,no excuse .
Teacher was in the wrong and owes the child an apology , surely they realise how disappointing this is and no you certainly would not be seen as a 'drama lama' you are your child's voice in this.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 04/12/2022 11:39

Being Mary is shit, the Angel is where it's at.......however I'm not a kid. And if that's the part she was given they should.have stuck to it.

pigonalipstick · 04/12/2022 11:41

Given this is teachers who think having a religious figure who is important to many, slap someone; and having children slap others is a good idea, they clearly make very questionable decisions

WetBandits · 04/12/2022 11:41

DarkKarmaIlama · 04/12/2022 11:21

@WetBandits

Not the point though is it if this child would make a cute angel or a cute donkey or whatever!

Irrelevant.

The child was not treated well at all.

It was just a nice little anecdote that I remembered when I read this thread, my love 🙂 wasn’t meant to cause any offence or detract from the OP’s post!

Tuichi · 04/12/2022 11:42

I would also explain that sometimes it is difficult to organise shows and that I thought being an angel would be a lovely part for her.

This would just rub salt in the wound! I was always a random villager standing in a crowd or similar in school plays, and understood perfectly well what this meant. Had I originally been given a prominent role and THEN demoted to a one-of-twelve villagers/angels/animals going onto the ark, I’d have been really upset.

They aren’t casting a west end spectacle - treating the kids fairly is far more important than getting the perfect Mary for a nativity. Terrible insensitivity from the teacher.

I do think the head needs to be aware as it shouldn’t happen again.

Original poster
buckeejit · 04/12/2022 11:42

@crochetmonkey74 I didn't say you weee puppets for parents. Don't you think it's your job to set a good example though & apologise if you've made a bad decision? You seem to infer apologising to a child is beneath you which is worrying.

Do you think it's ok to give a role to a child & the. Take it back a few days later?

Also @Treaclemine that reminds me when we did Willy Wonka in Primary school. My mum had just made me a beautiful dress, red with white hearts. I had to loan it to another girl to play Veruca Salt while I was something so forgettable than I don't know what I did.

@MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking I hear you but the stress of pushing the point & reinstating her as Mary would make dd ill & she's not completely distraught - that's why I think an apology would show that she's worth the consideration. It's just shit seeing her disappointed for no real reason.

@User135792468 yes, you've put exactly what I'd like to happen that he speaks to her about it & a natural apology comes about. I don't mean that I want to instruct him to apologise the way I'd make a 3 year old just say I'm sorry for snatching a toy-not demanding-expecting is different. I might see him at an event this week so get a chance to speak to him directly which could help.

Lol at slapping the angel Gabriel for impregnating her!

Thanks for all the viewpoints. I've envisioned parents at the school along each point of the spectrum of responses!

OP posts:
gbconfused · 04/12/2022 11:43

quinceh · 04/12/2022 10:09

That’s a shame for your DD and yes I’d be tempted to speak to the teacher.
Focusing on the wrong bit, I’m intrigued that Mary gets to slap someone!

Agreed !! Is it Joseph?

derxa · 04/12/2022 11:43

Mamamia7962 · 04/12/2022 11:09

Does Mary get arrested after slapping someone and end up giving birth in a cell. Sounds like a teacher trying too hard to be controversial. He should just stick to the original story.

😆

IAmTi · 04/12/2022 11:44

Seriously- complain about the slapping. Such a bad message to send.

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 11:45

Can’t imagine why anyone would think slapping (pretend or not) is a good idea in a nativity play

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2022 11:46

In every primary school play I've ever seen, Mary and Joseph are technically the worst parts. As in non speaking. They give the best role to a random thing - camel, flower, whatever.

DarkKarmaIlama · 04/12/2022 11:47

@arethereanyleftatall

Not the point. When I was Mary I just sat there looking pretty in my little blue dress. I didn’t speak much I still felt like a superstar ⭐️.

Its the principle of removing the role whilst it was already in place.

girlmom21 · 04/12/2022 11:47

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 11:45

Can’t imagine why anyone would think slapping (pretend or not) is a good idea in a nativity play

I have to agree with this. I'm not normally precious about this kind of thing but it's a primary school nativity. Violence and aggression aren't jokes.

Original poster
buckeejit · 04/12/2022 11:51

Will report back about the slapping after I see the performance. No idea what it's about or if it's violent or accidental!

OP posts:
Userno367367377373 · 04/12/2022 11:52

It is a shame for your Dd. I would have been similar to her and not want to make a fuss so I would said it's fine when it was not.

Really poor from the staff at your teachers school tbh. I would be angry too.

i have had a scenario with my own daughter over the last couple weeks that my daughter was given a speaking part she didn't really want to do but was too scared to speak up and tell teacher, although I've spoken to the teacher a few times to say she does not want to do the speaking part (it's not just nerves, she has additional needs and it's leading to full blown meltdowns), she's no longer doing the speaking part but has not been given another part! I don't even know why they give Dd a speaking part anyway, if she wanted to do it then absolutely but she does not. It's almost like the school wanted her to do because she has sen and it makes them look good. Very bizarre. They were adamant she should do it when she clearly didn't want to.

diddl · 04/12/2022 11:54

Oh I'd assumed (😊) the the slap was a typo.

I'm not sure about a slap as humour tbh.