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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

260 replies

buckeejit · 04/12/2022 10:06

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

OP posts:
IAmTi · 04/12/2022 11:07

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 04/12/2022 11:05

Definitely don't want them to give her back the role & disappoint the other girl

There's your problem; you want to be nice, don't want to upset others, don't want to make a fuss. Your DD is "sort" of ok with it Hmm and doesn't want to make a fuss either.

In the nicest possible way, if you want your daughter to stick up for herself (and yes, she should never have been put in that position) you lead by example.

If my DD had a main role she was excited about taken off her like that and put into a group role she "sort of" was ok with (so resigned herself to) I wouldn't care who I pissed off, I'd be kicking up major fuss until she got it back. May seem trivial to some, but it's not about a school play, it's about fairness and showing DD that she matters, her needs matter.

I get really annoyed about girls being conditioned into compliance and kindness like this, learning to put themselves last.

I wouldn't I'd be using it to explain to DD that her wants and needs matter and hopefully NEXT time she's expected to be a people pleaser she will speak up

KatMcBundleFace · 04/12/2022 11:08

It's been handled really badly, life throws this type of thing at us all the time. I think help her to move on.

My daughter wasn't in the Year Six leavers assembly as it was a talent show, and it was left to the children to organise and she didn't have a talent.

Roll on seven years, she's the lead part in the Secondary school musical, and the lead in the local panto.

So screw them

DarkKarmaIlama · 04/12/2022 11:08

@MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking

Agree 💯 percent.
OP don’t take this lying down. At least let them know via email how they have made your daughter feel. Include the head in the email. It was totally unreasonable to do this and your DD needs to know it’s okay to let people know when they’ve overstepped the mark.

Mamamia7962 · 04/12/2022 11:09

Does Mary get arrested after slapping someone and end up giving birth in a cell. Sounds like a teacher trying too hard to be controversial. He should just stick to the original story.

arthurfonzerelli · 04/12/2022 11:09

Oooooooooooooh · 04/12/2022 10:12

They gave another child the role because they had a costume ? I'd say that you had a costume too and expect them to give the role back to her
Bollocks to that
I'd make it their problem, you can't disappoint kids like that and I'm a just sick it up parent

Yes, fair point.

They've done exactly that to your DD so they have no excuse to not do it to the other child.

PeterRabbitHadACarrot · 04/12/2022 11:09

The other girl said she had a Mary costume and was just given your child's part?
I think I'd be having a meeting with the head.
Point out how unfair it was, how DD felt pressured into saying it was okay. I would be expecting them to tell the other girl a mistake was made and the part was already given. Though it sounds like she knew the part was taken and was deliberately trying to steal DDs role. Or at very minimum for them to share the role of Mary but I'm not entirely sure I would actually leave the heads office with that as the solution but I might.
Not on at all.

IAmTi · 04/12/2022 11:09

I mean the slapping sounds like something to complain about. It shouldn't be normalised

arthurfonzerelli · 04/12/2022 11:10

cansu · 04/12/2022 10:16

Seriously? Fwiw if I was the teacher in this scenario I would tell your dd that I eas sorry she was upset. I would also explain that sometimes it is difficult to organise shows and that I thought being an angel would be a lovely part for her. I would think you were an utter drama llama and would offer you a role in organising and sorting costumes out for a load of nine year old.

I'd think that was a pretty poor excuse.

Giving the role to another child because they have a costume is nonsense.

Did they check with OP if they had a costume?

Prescottdanni123 · 04/12/2022 11:15

Taking a role like Mary off a child is cruel.

If I were the teacher that had been overuled, I'd be fucking fuming too. Unless it is the deputy head or head teacher that did the overruling, I would be letting SLT know that I was not happy with being overruled like that.

arthurfonzerelli · 04/12/2022 11:16

WestendVBroadway · 04/12/2022 10:28

I am seething for your DD. (This next bit may be completely outing as I have told this tale many times) This reminds me of when I was in primary school and was given the role of the Angel Gabriel, I was the only Angel with a speaking part. We had to make costumes out of old sheets. One girl got her mum to accessorise her outfit with gold tinsel on the neck and cuffs. I was then informed that this girl would have to be The Angel Gabriel as her costume stood out from the others. I am still bitter about this over 40 years later.😇😇😇

Similar situation at Brownies.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

All of us "auditioning" to be Snow White.

Girl who hadn't been at Brownies that evening suddenly appeared in full, home-made, exact replica Snow White costume. She did happen to have dark hair and pale skin and her mum had applied make-up to accentuate this.

It was never discussed or announced, she just was Snow White.

It was a large Brownie troop so a lot of us ended up just wearing our Brownie uniforms (brown) to be rocks in the forest.

arthurfonzerelli · 04/12/2022 11:19

crochetmonkey74 · 04/12/2022 10:50

I can understand she is upset but likely this is just a small decision by teacher (one of a hundred each day)
Absolutely no to the teacher being 'made to apologise' to a 9 year old
We are not puppets for parents

Well, no, teachers are not puppets to parents.

But it was a shitty thing to do. If I do something shitty, I apologise for it. Regardless whether it's a child or an adult.

Museya15 · 04/12/2022 11:19

No, I'm sorry but id go in and create merry fucking hell. It's the principle of the matter.

WetBandits · 04/12/2022 11:19

My sister got the role of a donkey in her reception nativity, we were all a bit 😅 until we realised the play was written about the donkey! She did make an adorable little donkey.

DarkKarmaIlama · 04/12/2022 11:21

@WetBandits

Not the point though is it if this child would make a cute angel or a cute donkey or whatever!

Irrelevant.

The child was not treated well at all.

Suffrajitsu · 04/12/2022 11:21

CaronPoivre · 04/12/2022 10:08

Most children would prefer the bigger angel role. Usually much more coveted. It’s a speaking role. Sell it to her and do a fabulous costume.

Since when is the angel role automatically a speaking role? Fine if you're the angel Gabriel, but most angels in nativity plays are simply chorus with no individual speaking role.

ArrrrrghStopLickingTheDog · 04/12/2022 11:22

I agree @DarkKarmaIlama

girlmom21 · 04/12/2022 11:22

Use it as a learning opportunity to encourage her to say how she really feels in future. The teacher didn't really do much wrong, although I'd have asked the other girl if she'd have minded the school borrowing the costume rather than giving her the role.

Suffrajitsu · 04/12/2022 11:22

crochetmonkey74 · 04/12/2022 10:50

I can understand she is upset but likely this is just a small decision by teacher (one of a hundred each day)
Absolutely no to the teacher being 'made to apologise' to a 9 year old
We are not puppets for parents

Doing the decent thing doesn't make you a puppet. If you have needlessly disappointed a child, it's not a small decision to her, it's a great big one. You shouldn't be made to apologise because you should do it off your own bat.

Dontaskdontget · 04/12/2022 11:23

CaronPoivre · 04/12/2022 10:08

Most children would prefer the bigger angel role. Usually much more coveted. It’s a speaking role. Sell it to her and do a fabulous costume.

Bollocks. Being Mary is so in demand that there’s even a BBC movie called “I want to be Mary”

OP this was a horrible thing for them to do your child: basically they made her the star of the play then fired her. If the other child has a Mary costume then I’m guessing she’s already played that part once?!

I’d demand that she be reinstated and make a huge fuss personally, teachers shouldn’t treat a child like that and an apology isn’t good enough. When institutions let down our children we have to stand up for them. How you and the teacher play this now is something she will remember for life.

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2022 11:24

Does Mary slap Joseph? If not, who? All of the Wise Men? Invested now.

diddl · 04/12/2022 11:26

She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.😂😂😂😂😂😂

If a costume was all that was needed for the "Mary" role they should have used that as the criteria!

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 11:28

I was Mary in Primary School nativity. Think I had one word and spent most of the play sitting on the side of the stage with Joseph (we loathed each other and would have quite liked to slap him 😳) Think I was chosen because I could sit quietly, certainly not for my acting skills.

PeterRabbitHadACarrot · 04/12/2022 11:29

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2022 11:24

Does Mary slap Joseph? If not, who? All of the Wise Men? Invested now.

I was hoping the angel Gabriel for impregnating her.
(I'm not entirely clued up on christain mythology but I think that is what happened!).

wintersdreams · 04/12/2022 11:30

Oooooooooooooh · 04/12/2022 10:53

Oh give over @crochetmonkey74 an apology would go along way , or are teachers above common decency?
I'll always apologise to students if I feel I've made a mistake

100% agree with this.

I’m a teacher and also think this is poor, my class are so excited for our Christmas play and would be so upset if I decided to start switching parts around! I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting an apology. I would also apologise to any of my students if I thought I’d made an error

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 04/12/2022 11:30

Tell them you'd bought materials for a costume and started working on it, so you want compensation.