To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

[buckeejit]

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

Teacher was out of order and ideally should apologise. So unkind to raise a little girl's hopes and excitement and then snatch it away for a cursory reason.

Similar happened to me as a child. We had to audition for parts in Cinderella. All female pupils. I really wanted the main role and spent ages preparing and practising. The audition wasn't scripted so I wrote my own little monologue and learnt it off by heart. Success! I won the part and was thrilled.

Two rehearsals later and the teacher "realised" that I was much taller than the girl she had cast as Prince Charming and we "looked silly" and she wanted us to swap roles. I was absolutely gutted as I had always been tall for my age and routinely allocated male roles. This had been my first chance of playing a central female role and I had been over the moon. I was quite shy and deferential usually but on this occasion I spoke up and refused and got to keep the part. The teacher was not pleased with me and used every rehearsal to mutter about how "silly" I looked which took the joy out it a bit.

@crochetmonkey74

I'm a huge supporter of teachers, but find it troubling that you apparently are one, and you're approaching this from the perspective of the adult (small decision, one of a hundred each day) and not the 9 year old who was awarded something exciting and then had it yanked away for a completely random and unfair reason.

OP, I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes, but I would be making it clear to the school that I wasn't happy. Hope your DD has a great time in the end!

The angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favour with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him...
Whack
And the virgin slapped the angel and with a loud voice asserted..
Not without my consent
Whack
And the virgin did slap the angel harder on the other cheek exclaiming:
And am only 13
And as the angel shed tears and sauntered away, the virgin pulled her scarf over her head and smiled to herself

Maybe the teacher was worried about how delighted your DD was that she would get to slap someone?

What a bizarre thing for a nativity.

It's only a big a deal as you make it.

Sounds awful, what sort of behaviour is this from the teachers. Not surprised your daughter is sad.
And yes, in an ideal world its normal to apologise when you did something wrong. It makes not difference its a teacher and a 9yo girl.

I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so?

Yes. YABU. You have no idea how much other moaning and complaining they have to deal with all the parents about this time of year.

No apology is 'owed' here.

Raise the stakes. Tell DD’s teacher that she was so invested in the role that not only do you already have a costume, you have a donkey, a stable, and have purchased a small plot of land in Bethlehem.

I'm a teacher and I would apologise. These things are important to children.
I agree you need to talk to your daughter about not having to always be kind. I was the kind child who always put others first and it isn't always the best course of action!

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy so you are saying that it's ok for grown up teachers with the qualifications to teach, to serve disappointment to a child for very wrong reasons because other people moan and complain at them at this time of year.

Effectively you are saying it's OK for a 9 year old to be used as collateral damage.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy whether an apology is due surely doesn't vary depending on how much other complaining there is, warranted or not. What else do you think all the other parents are complaining about?

Mary slapping someone?

Not remotely on, and very stupid to have Mary slapping someone.

Who has a ''Mary'' costume?

I still remember not being allowed to be an Angel at 5, and had to sing a solo on stage instead..I was gutted.
I wanted the muslin angel dress and tinsel halo and to stand on a chair around the crib!

@RosesAndHellebores I completely agree. I'm all for children being respectful to adults but adults need to earn that respect by modelling it themselves. Children are people too and deserve to be shown respect. It costs nothing.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one to think a slap was bizarre and very inappropriate , Especially from Mary.

The ''Other child has a Mary costume'' sounds strange, too.
I wonder if the keenness to slap another child was the reason the role was given to another child?

I have never in my life - and I'm 52 - heard of the Angel being a better part than Mary.

I agree that teachers are very busy and important people, but yes this would be a big deal to me because it matters to the DC what part they are given.

I agree don't make a big deal of it to your DD, but do allow her to have her own feelings. Nothing worse than adults pretending that nothing has happened and not allowing a DC to feel what they feel ( actually there are a lot of worse things, but its not good).

I would email the teacher - not to get the roles changed again - but just so she is aware that this hurt your DD and she should avoid doing similar in the future, once a part is given, it's given

@GingerScallop lol 😂

OMG that’s ridiculous of the school. Bottom line - if you tell a child they’re getting something, you don’t whip it away unless there’s a really good reason. Another girl having a Mary costume is no reason at all ffs

I think schools need to work much harder at making sure all children get to feel special at some point too- the point of the play, sports teams, other awards isn’t really to have the best play, the winning team etc - it’s to give all the kids a chance to shine at some point. In my opinion.

Likewise School councils should be aimed at all interested kids getting a turn to contribute, not just a popularity contest.

I'm puzzled as well. Hopefully she gets to slap the teacher who crushed her dreams of being Mary!!

@RoachPussy

I don't disagree in theory, but I think it's a rare 9 year old who can successfully figure out how to say no to a teacher (a position we teach our children to treat with great respect) when asked to accommodate. Particularly when it's more an expectation than a genuine question.

I would definitely take this to the highest level, OP.

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/the-womens-blog-with-jane-martinson/2012/dec/18/christmas-nativity-plays-mary

Absolutely no power imbalance between a teacher who disappoints a child and then says "Is that ok?" expecting he answer "Yes. It's ok." and the upset child who is expected to say "I don't mind" is there? What do you expect would have happened if OP's DD had said "YES I MIND!"?

This is bullying at worst, and rising roughshod over a child's feeling at best. Teachers have power. Children don't.

If a child is given a part, then they get the part.

Teacher could have said - "You have a costume X? How lovely! I'm sure you won't mind if Y borrows it for the play."

See I'm that parent and would do anything possible to make them give my child the original role back…

But I am a complete bitch and don’t give a fuck about upsetting other children who gives a fuck someone else has a Mary bloody costume the situation should never have arisen and what the teachers did was wrong in my eyes, I don’t know many children who would say no to a teacher request, mine certainly wouldn’t!

I'd be the same - and even if they didn't give the part back to my child I'd make damn sure that they knew that I was thoroughly p*ssed about it!

And I'd be loud and embarrasing if necessary.

It's a bliddy awful thing to do to a child.

BRILLIANT! MIGHT I ADD . . .

"And then lo Joseph said "Bliddy heck what have I got myself into, here?"

And Mary said "My body, my decision, buster! Have you got those shelves up yet? Because I have a list here and there's no way I'm sleeping in a stable."

I'd be thinking a tenner would be replaced with 10p the next time an opportunity.ity for donations arose.

Mary slaps someone?