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Original poster

for being moody about being left in the car for hours by DP?

219 replies

stylishelish · 03/12/2022 12:59

Me and my boyfriend live in different cities so we see each other at the weekends and sometimes in the week. He drives to see me, but I don’t drive so he either picks me up or I get trains to his city and stay over for however long. He’s really good to me like that, he will let me stay at his for days and then wake up early to drive me to work (which is about a 1.5 hour drive from his) before he goes to work. I’m really happy generally and I think he is too.

This week I travelled to see him on the train. I was only staying two nights because of work but he was on annual leave all week. He picked me up from the station & then he said he had to run a few errands. That took about an hour or so and it was nearly midnight by the time he was done. When he had finished he just went to bed because he was shattered.

The next two days were hectic - he is in between two houses so sorting a lot of stuff out and nowhere really were we can both stay comfortably. So a lot of the time, he was driving between his old house and new house moving stuff like furniture etc., and so I couldn’t really stay in either place during the day. So I had to sit in the car. I did try and help as much as possible but I got the impression I wasn’t helping so much, and his brother was there helping so I felt a bit like a spare part. So spent most of the time in the car.

At the end of the 2 days he said we’d go for a nice meal because (in his words) “you’ve been in the car these last 2 days like a dog”. So I thought it would be a nice end to an otherwise quite boring few days. I waited and then he said he was going to a personal training session from 6-8 but was I okay to wait in the car? I said okay reluctantly but said I really didn’t want to be late back. He said he wouldn’t be over 2 hours.

I listened to a podcast just waited. He was actually late back (he came back to the car 840) and said it was because his personal trainer (who I know) wanted to put videos of him on his Instagram 🙄

I was just a bit quiet when he came back and said “I don’t think we’ve spent that much time together that’s all”

He said I was selfish and he would have to have a think about whether he wanted to continue the relationship.

i did agree to sit in the car, but I was passive aggressive really wasn’t I?

OP posts:
XmasElfontheShelf · 04/12/2022 14:39

Sounds like you don't communicate with each other.

I can't imagine not knowing the day by boyfriend of a year was moving , and then arriving in the middle of it.

My H and I lived 85 miles apart and dated for 3 years before we got married, each taking turns to do the round trip of 170 miles every weekend.

I think you are both not really 'together' in the way you imagine.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/12/2022 14:48

You’re peripheral to him and his plans, he gets on with stuff without you,doesn’t consider your needs
Meanwhile you’re sat in a car for 2.5 hours just waiting on his say so
Frankly I’d call it quits I can’t see what’s keeping you together. You function individually

Sennelier1 · 04/12/2022 15:04

He dares to doubt your relationship because you mildly showed some disappointment, and yóú think you've been passive-agressive?!? Girl, I don't think you should gó away but rún, ráce away! As fast as you can!

Ilovemybed2022 · 04/12/2022 15:14

He's just not that into you. He's looking for an excuse to break up. Hon estly, I'd dump him first

Pinkbluebells · 04/12/2022 15:17

I'm appalled at all messages picking holes in the story. One poster just knows there was electricity in the new house. Another one thinks she has worked out that the OP is lying because she said she hoovered the new house. The poster has explained that the vacuum cleaner was charged at the old house. If posters want to accuse people of lying they should read the whole thread or at least the OP's comments.

Then after accusing the OP of being too passive and doing what her boyfriend wants her to do, they wade in and tell her what to do in a really strident critical way. It's not as if she doesn't feel bad about the whole horrible weekend

OP, sometimes in the middle of a situation it can be quite hard to work out what to do when somebody who has been generally behaving well, starts behaving in a dreadfully unreasonable way. You can start double guessing what you should do. I get too that rural transport is not seamless and it would have been difficult to just stalk off.

DangerousAlchemy · 04/12/2022 15:19

stylishelish · 03/12/2022 13:10

The new house has no electricity/heating at the time, and the old house had no furniture. He was going to stay with his mum for the next few nights.

He did say I could go and sit in a cafe but I didn’t really feel like I wanted to do that either. The car felt more comfortable because of the heater.

Show quote history

You sat in his car & had the engine running for over 2 hours!! Bloomin heck. Are you trying to destroy our planet all on your own? 🙄 A cafe would have been warm & cosy etc. That's really weird. You do know it's actually illegal to sit in a parked car with the engine running? Rule 123 of the Highway Code.

Pertinentowl · 04/12/2022 15:27

Sometimes situations seem bizarre and that makes us immediately doubt ourselves or our behaviour. I think that’s what happened, you were wrong footed and decided to check if it was you but I don’t think it was. I think he did that on purpose, I think he wanted an excuse to break up. I wouldn’t contact him and let him fade. If he comes back after a while then I would say pause. There needs to be some rethinking about if there’s any patterns you can work on

Grrrrdarling · 04/12/2022 15:30

stylishelish · 03/12/2022 12:59

Me and my boyfriend live in different cities so we see each other at the weekends and sometimes in the week. He drives to see me, but I don’t drive so he either picks me up or I get trains to his city and stay over for however long. He’s really good to me like that, he will let me stay at his for days and then wake up early to drive me to work (which is about a 1.5 hour drive from his) before he goes to work. I’m really happy generally and I think he is too.

This week I travelled to see him on the train. I was only staying two nights because of work but he was on annual leave all week. He picked me up from the station & then he said he had to run a few errands. That took about an hour or so and it was nearly midnight by the time he was done. When he had finished he just went to bed because he was shattered.

The next two days were hectic - he is in between two houses so sorting a lot of stuff out and nowhere really were we can both stay comfortably. So a lot of the time, he was driving between his old house and new house moving stuff like furniture etc., and so I couldn’t really stay in either place during the day. So I had to sit in the car. I did try and help as much as possible but I got the impression I wasn’t helping so much, and his brother was there helping so I felt a bit like a spare part. So spent most of the time in the car.

At the end of the 2 days he said we’d go for a nice meal because (in his words) “you’ve been in the car these last 2 days like a dog”. So I thought it would be a nice end to an otherwise quite boring few days. I waited and then he said he was going to a personal training session from 6-8 but was I okay to wait in the car? I said okay reluctantly but said I really didn’t want to be late back. He said he wouldn’t be over 2 hours.

I listened to a podcast just waited. He was actually late back (he came back to the car 840) and said it was because his personal trainer (who I know) wanted to put videos of him on his Instagram 🙄

I was just a bit quiet when he came back and said “I don’t think we’ve spent that much time together that’s all”

He said I was selfish and he would have to have a think about whether he wanted to continue the relationship.

i did agree to sit in the car, but I was passive aggressive really wasn’t I?

You are sort of being unreasonable but he maybe hasn’t fully disclosed what the weekend would entail.

  1. Personally as he was moving home that weekend I would give him the benefit of the doubt on that. I am just going to assume you knew this was an event that would happen at some point as I assume you discussed his new place while together before this weekend but he just neglected to drop it into conversation when you arranged to stay over this weekend.

  2. If you weren’t happy in the car there were plenty of things you could have done instead namely go to a cafe, stay at his mums while he ran his errands, sightseeing or even gone home. If you’re were ‘t happy the later is what I would have done.

  3. This weekend wasn’t fun for you because you expected a normal weekend & it didn’t happen BUT you could have voiced that in a rather childish way. You could have said no or gone home at any point because no-one forced you to stay.

  4. The gym session being plopped on at the end is not excusable as after everything you’d accepted he’d said he planned to take you for a meal then just forgot. At this point you should have said I thought we were going to a meal & just asked him to drop you at the train station.

  5. I certainly would end a long distance relationship over one unusual & stressful weekend but going forward I would work on communication within the relationship, from both sides.

Kassiopeia · 04/12/2022 15:32

If you weren't able to help it sounds like you went at the wrong time. Or do you think he was giving you a message about the relationship?

And, as others have asked, why did you stay in the car, yu could have done anything, gone to a cafe, library, even gone to see a movie so that's on you.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 04/12/2022 15:36

DangerousAlchemy · 04/12/2022 15:19

You sat in his car & had the engine running for over 2 hours!! Bloomin heck. Are you trying to destroy our planet all on your own? 🙄 A cafe would have been warm & cosy etc. That's really weird. You do know it's actually illegal to sit in a parked car with the engine running? Rule 123 of the Highway Code.

Show quote history

What is it with all these posters who CBA actually reading the thread, preferring just to weigh in with mindless criticisms of the OP?
NB: she's already told us that the heater wasn't on for the whole time, the engine wasn't left running.

For others with a similar problem (you know who you are):
The vacuum cleaner was a cordless one with a battery that had been charged up elsewhere!

For the OP: If i were you, I'd try to put this guy out of my head. Don't bother contacting him, assume that you won't see him again, don't waste any more time, money or energy on him if you can help it.

He could easily have told you about his moving plans before you arrived.
After the first night, when you spoke about heading back to London, he could have refrained from convincing you to stay another day.
He could have rescheduled the PT session to spend time with you, or even just stick to the plan for dinner that he himself suggested.
The fact that he didn't do these things speaks volumes.

jays · 04/12/2022 15:52

Pinkbluebells · 04/12/2022 15:17

I'm appalled at all messages picking holes in the story. One poster just knows there was electricity in the new house. Another one thinks she has worked out that the OP is lying because she said she hoovered the new house. The poster has explained that the vacuum cleaner was charged at the old house. If posters want to accuse people of lying they should read the whole thread or at least the OP's comments.

Then after accusing the OP of being too passive and doing what her boyfriend wants her to do, they wade in and tell her what to do in a really strident critical way. It's not as if she doesn't feel bad about the whole horrible weekend

OP, sometimes in the middle of a situation it can be quite hard to work out what to do when somebody who has been generally behaving well, starts behaving in a dreadfully unreasonable way. You can start double guessing what you should do. I get too that rural transport is not seamless and it would have been difficult to just stalk off.

This!

DangerousAlchemy · 04/12/2022 15:52

She's was left in the car a lot over the weekend & clearly had engine running a fair amount of that time! Still illegal! I think the OP was treated very badly by her boyfriend on this occasion however. bit cannot understand why she wouldn't choose to sit in a cafe with a book rather than a cold, dark car.

Ivepaidmytaxes · 04/12/2022 15:56

I agree with @Longtimelurkerfinallyposts he's a selfish user please dump him. You'll find someone much better 💐

Pipsquiggle · 04/12/2022 15:59

Sounds like both of you need to work on your communication.

If he knew he was moving he should have:

  1. Told you before you went and ask you to help OR
  2. Told you before you went and said he didn't need your help but was going to be extremely busy so maybe you shouldn't come to him this week.
How you expressed at the end 'we haven't really seen each other' does sound annoying particularly after a stressful few days for your BF

I think you need to have a chat with him because in your OP he does sound nice.

HotChoxs · 04/12/2022 16:00

The car thing is a total red herring here. You could have gone to a cafe he offered to take you there and you sat in the car instead even though you didn't want to

He was moving house, really stressful time.

“I don’t think we’ve spent that much time together that’s all”. Is the crux of this really. I suspect he's not that into you and you're clingy.

I think you need to break up with him.

JFDIYOLO · 04/12/2022 16:03

Sitting meekly in the car at his convenience is you being a passive doormat.

Speaking up about it is you being assertive.

Him getting stroppy when you show him you will not be put in a box and allowed out only at his convenience, and threatening to dump you, is him being controling and aggressive.

He's showing you his true nature - and giving you a clear example of what your future life with him will be.

BringMeTea · 04/12/2022 16:05

You're too young for this shit OP. He doesn't like you very much get rid. And I will add to the chorus of please don't sit with a car engine running for over 2 hours. That is sbocking.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2022 16:06

Organising a PT session after he’s spent no time with you is totally disrespectful and being late more so. He doesn’t value your time. The PT session and the Instagram stuff could have been done another day. In fact so could the move. He owns both properties by the sound of it.

Are you usually this passive with him or is it by nature? I am wonder if he has reacted fiercely to you in the past and deep down you’re a little afraid of him. In any case, calling you selfish and threatening to break up with you is DARVO. Driving you back after a shitty weekend and not feeding you as agreed is probably punishment for defying him.

Either he isn’t that into you or the mask has slipped. In any case, I’d block and move on. He doesn’t even deserve to be dumped after his performance this weekend.

As for comments that you are annoying and acted like a child. I do think you do need to work on your assertiveness. But I don’t think these comments are constructive.

pictish · 04/12/2022 16:07

Can’t believe the posts berating the OP for having the engine running, like that’s what this is about. Good grief.

Loads of blaming and criticism for the OP on this thread actually. Bit weird.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/12/2022 16:08

I’d say the dog comment reveals how he sees you. Saying that to you, and then asking you to do it again, and then making you wait…it’s clear he sees you as an option rather than a choice. I’d imagine he thinks it’s a bit of a joke that you’re so willing to do what he says.

I think it’s a good thing he hasn’t contacted you and the best thing you could do is delete and block his number.

SoCalledManHatingFeminist · 04/12/2022 16:10

Pinkbluebells · 04/12/2022 15:17

I'm appalled at all messages picking holes in the story. One poster just knows there was electricity in the new house. Another one thinks she has worked out that the OP is lying because she said she hoovered the new house. The poster has explained that the vacuum cleaner was charged at the old house. If posters want to accuse people of lying they should read the whole thread or at least the OP's comments.

Then after accusing the OP of being too passive and doing what her boyfriend wants her to do, they wade in and tell her what to do in a really strident critical way. It's not as if she doesn't feel bad about the whole horrible weekend

OP, sometimes in the middle of a situation it can be quite hard to work out what to do when somebody who has been generally behaving well, starts behaving in a dreadfully unreasonable way. You can start double guessing what you should do. I get too that rural transport is not seamless and it would have been difficult to just stalk off.

This right here is the best comment so far I think. A lot of replies are just being plain unhelpful and unkind.

WilsonMilson · 04/12/2022 16:12

He has shown you who he is and what his priorities are. Going to the gym is higher on his list than you. Remember that. He is also not only completely comfortable to let you languish in a car for hours on end waiting for him, but then also blames you for being the selfish one.

You do not need any further information to establish that he is an absolute cunt of the highest order.

I hope you look back at this weekend and are thankful to have found out now that he is an entirely self centred tosser and not after you moved in with him or married him.

Please get rid immediately.

mellicauli · 04/12/2022 16:12

He's doing a classic reverse - he accusing you of what he is guilty of and wants to dump you because of his poor behaviour.

He is the selfish one.

Rather than doing without sex this weekend or doing without his personal training, he thought he'd leave you sitting in his car. Even he observed that this is the sort of behaviour usually expected of a pet rather than a partner!

If he really loved you, he'd want to be spending time with you. Remember this is the dream phase of a relationship!

It's all downhill from here. Doesn't look good, does it?

Jewel7 · 04/12/2022 16:17

I think you need to ask yourself if it’s just this weekend or every time you see each other? Are you always having to fit in to his plans? Does he sit and wait while you do things? At some point you have obviously agreed to sit and wait but you could be doing other things shopping etc. It sounds like he has you literally waiting for him. You need to decide how this could work better. The moving house he could really have factored you in more? Or did you not want to be?

musingsinmidlife · 04/12/2022 16:27

This is all on you. You have him running 1.5 hours back and forth to pick you up and take you to work and then you go down on a weekend he is moving but are so useless that you don't help or figure out what you can do and you just sit in the car and complain. No wonder men see women as weak when women act like they are completely incapable of acting like independent adults. We are moving this weekend and my kids and 75 year old plus parents made themselves far more useful than you did and no one sat in the car at all. Seems like you acted more like a potted plant, even a dog wouldn't stay in the car all day.

Can you imagine if a man posted saying he has no car so he expects his girlfriend to ferry him back and forth 1.5 hours to home and work and he went down for a weekend but she was moving and had her sister to help so he had no choice but to just sit in her car all day for two days and do nothing and watch them move? And then he complained about it all? He would be crucified and you should be too.