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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being moody about being left in the car for hours by DP?

219 replies

stylishelish · 03/12/2022 12:59

Me and my boyfriend live in different cities so we see each other at the weekends and sometimes in the week. He drives to see me, but I don’t drive so he either picks me up or I get trains to his city and stay over for however long. He’s really good to me like that, he will let me stay at his for days and then wake up early to drive me to work (which is about a 1.5 hour drive from his) before he goes to work. I’m really happy generally and I think he is too.

This week I travelled to see him on the train. I was only staying two nights because of work but he was on annual leave all week. He picked me up from the station & then he said he had to run a few errands. That took about an hour or so and it was nearly midnight by the time he was done. When he had finished he just went to bed because he was shattered.

The next two days were hectic - he is in between two houses so sorting a lot of stuff out and nowhere really were we can both stay comfortably. So a lot of the time, he was driving between his old house and new house moving stuff like furniture etc., and so I couldn’t really stay in either place during the day. So I had to sit in the car. I did try and help as much as possible but I got the impression I wasn’t helping so much, and his brother was there helping so I felt a bit like a spare part. So spent most of the time in the car.

At the end of the 2 days he said we’d go for a nice meal because (in his words) “you’ve been in the car these last 2 days like a dog”. So I thought it would be a nice end to an otherwise quite boring few days. I waited and then he said he was going to a personal training session from 6-8 but was I okay to wait in the car? I said okay reluctantly but said I really didn’t want to be late back. He said he wouldn’t be over 2 hours.

I listened to a podcast just waited. He was actually late back (he came back to the car 840) and said it was because his personal trainer (who I know) wanted to put videos of him on his Instagram 🙄

I was just a bit quiet when he came back and said “I don’t think we’ve spent that much time together that’s all”

He said I was selfish and he would have to have a think about whether he wanted to continue the relationship.

i did agree to sit in the car, but I was passive aggressive really wasn’t I?

OP posts:
eyebright22 · 03/12/2022 14:03

OP you do need to learn some assertiveness and self-respect. I was like this in my 20s, and with a lot of rethinking and learning am not now.

All those PPs howling that they don't understand how OP isn't showing initiative, well lucky you. When you have low-self esteem and have been brought up to be very passive, you literally do not know when or how to put in boundaries and to take action for yourself. It's a revelation that you can say 'no' and unilaterally decide to do something yourself without permission.

Wetblanket78 · 03/12/2022 14:03

Why couldn't have you have been either at his old house doing some last minute jobs or his new house? There's always something that needs doing when moving house.

viques · 03/12/2022 14:10

If these are examples of him “ being really good to you” I would hate to see what happens when he isn’t “being really good to you”

Interesting that he compared you to a dog waiting in the car, most dog owning people would be concerned about their dog being left in a car for hours, so it seems as though in his mind you come in quite a bit lower than his imaginary dog.

MarshaMelrose · 03/12/2022 14:12

KettrickenSmiled · 03/12/2022 13:49

I don't know why people are saying to break up when this is one weekend when he's mid house move.

Really? You're excusing this cockwomble because he was moving house @MarshaMelrose

He didn't tell OP he was moving, graciously allowed her to clean his new house, when she had no further use to him he stashed her in his car for 2 days, acknowledged that this was pretty shit for her but then doubled down on his shitness by expecting her to wait in the car another 2 hours for a totally unnecessary gym visit, promised her dinner out afterwards, was 40 minutes late, then had the temerity to call OP selfish for feeling fed up, didn't give her the dinner he promised & took her home after threatening to finish with her.

That's why PP are saying LTB.
But don't worry - she won't. It would involve making an autonomous decision, & she doesn't allow herself to do anything unless her b/f gives her permission to.

She knew he was moving house, she just didn't know it was happening that day. He didn't graciously 🙄 let her clean the new house. She vacuumed. If I was moving home, I'd expect my boyfriend to help me too. Isn't that what relationships are about? She'll be using the house regularly herself. He told her not to clean the old house so he's not using her for cleaning.

He didn't stash her in the car! It was her choice to stay in the car. She could have found something else to do. Or she could have gone home. He's moving house. It's hard work. It's not his responsibility to entertain her. She's a grown woman who can entertain herself. Why is he to blame for her making a series of crappy decisions.

She says they have a great relationship where he's doing the majority of the work driving her around. He was moving house, had other things to think about and made one wrong move on being 40 minutes late. I wouldn't finish with someone over being 40 minutes late on one occasion. 🤷

Ffsmakeitstop · 03/12/2022 14:15

I wouldn't give him chance to see if he wanted to continue the relationship. I would have decided for him there and then.

Shortpoet · 03/12/2022 14:16

When did this happen? I swear I’ve read this story before on mumsnet even including the house move and the 2 hours waiting for the gym session.

Have you posted this before?
Heaven help us if there’s two such inconsiderate jerks out there.

ClaudiusTheGod · 03/12/2022 14:19

pocketvenuss · 03/12/2022 13:08

You just have truncated something as him decided to potentially break up over you feeling a bit peeved seems a little weird.

Truncated? Look that one up!

OP, get rid.

PrincessConstance · 03/12/2022 14:24

So you basically sat in the car for all the time you were there. He acknowledged this, then buggered off for another 2hr 40 mins to a gym session, whilst you again sat in the car.
He's a knob.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/12/2022 14:28

MarshaMelrose · 03/12/2022 14:12

She knew he was moving house, she just didn't know it was happening that day. He didn't graciously 🙄 let her clean the new house. She vacuumed. If I was moving home, I'd expect my boyfriend to help me too. Isn't that what relationships are about? She'll be using the house regularly herself. He told her not to clean the old house so he's not using her for cleaning.

He didn't stash her in the car! It was her choice to stay in the car. She could have found something else to do. Or she could have gone home. He's moving house. It's hard work. It's not his responsibility to entertain her. She's a grown woman who can entertain herself. Why is he to blame for her making a series of crappy decisions.

She says they have a great relationship where he's doing the majority of the work driving her around. He was moving house, had other things to think about and made one wrong move on being 40 minutes late. I wouldn't finish with someone over being 40 minutes late on one occasion. 🤷

Show quote history

I wouldn't finish with someone over being 40 minutes late on one occasion.

But you are not dating this man, who incidentally, DID threaten to finish with OP for voicing a mild opinion about being fed up with waiting another 2 hours (plus 40 minutes lateness) in his car.

I'd finish with him for that DARVO'ing & brinkmanship alone.

AutumnCrow · 03/12/2022 14:29

OP, did you really not know he was moving house? That's why he had the week off presumably - to pack up his stuff and get ready?

MoanySloney · 03/12/2022 14:33

To be fair, he's in the middle of moving house but still wanted you to come and spend time with him. Why didn't either of you just admit this wasn't a good weekend and get you back home?!

Allmarbleslost · 03/12/2022 14:36

A man who is happy to leave you in his car for over two hours while he goes to the gym really doesn't care about you very much op.

PollyAmour · 03/12/2022 14:38

Another vote to say you could have gone to a pub or a cafe, gone shopping, taken the chance to catch up on your reading - you sound really martyred. Poor boyfriend.

poefaced · 03/12/2022 14:40

YANBU

  • he should not have invited you on a weekend he was moving stuff
  • if he did invite you, he should have warmed you that he would be busy
  • he should not have left you alone in car for 3 years whilst he went to the Gym
  • He should have taken you to dinner as promised
  • he should not have called you selfish when he has been the selfish one

All in all, block and delete.

Mehmeh22 · 03/12/2022 14:40

I'd be annoyed I wasn't warned about this first but I wouldnt have sat in the car when he was at the gym. He was clearly trying to cram everything in. But his reaction is completely over the top and if he's going to throw that at you at every disagreement, I'd think about binning him

Paq · 03/12/2022 14:43

I think he planned it badly and you had a very boring day/weekend.

He shouldn't have invited you and you should have left to go home after you realised what was happening.

He sounds a bit thoughtless and you sound a bit passive.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/12/2022 14:44

RampantIvy · 03/12/2022 14:01

The OP says she lives in London where she doesn't need a car. I didn't drive when I lived in London either so I don't think it's fair to berate her for not driving.

I don't see the relevance of driving here anyway. They seem to use the car as a place to hang out rather than for travel.

Herejustforthisone · 03/12/2022 14:47

This just all sounds a bit juvenile. I don’t mean you are, you do sound timid, but the relationship sounds childish.

burnoutbabe · 03/12/2022 14:48

Where were you sleeping? Why couldn't you have stayed in wherever that was?
He could have had an early dinner with you Sunday, dropped you home (or to train) then give to gym.

A very badly managed weekend but I'd just have headed off early next morning saying I'd leave then to it if it was clear nothing for me to do.

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2022 14:51

He left you in the car for an extra 40 minutes? That’s horrible of him. I can’t believe he had a pt session and was doing videos.

MarshaMelrose · 03/12/2022 14:52

But you are not dating this man, who incidentally, DID threaten to finish with OP for voicing a mild opinion about being fed up with waiting another 2 hours (plus 40 minutes lateness) in his car.

I'd finish with him for that DARVO'ing & brinkmanship alone.

Obviously I'm not dating him. What's that got to do with it? You're not dating him either.

Maybe he was disappointed how often she just sat in the car? Maybe he felt after all the running about after her he does, he didn't get enough support? Maybe he expected more from her? Who knows.

I had to look up DARVO and for me if he denied responsibility, I think he's right. He's not responsible for her entertaining her and running round after her. He's not responsible for her sitting around waiting for him rather than being in control of her own actions. She could have gone shopping, bought a gift for the new house, got in a bottle of champagne and toasted his new home, ordered a takeaway for them and his friends to enjoy whilst moving. Or she could even have gone home.

There's a reason why Saudis don't like "their women" to drive. Get a car, get control and get freedom to rely on yourself and not others.

abblie · 03/12/2022 14:52

What did you not just stay at home lol

Ilikewinter · 03/12/2022 14:55

OP you sound like a 16 year old....is this even for real?.
Who the hell sits in a car for nearly 3 hours waiting for their boyfriend to finish a gym session?.

Justthisonce12 · 03/12/2022 14:59

I would not have sat there for three hours after two. I would’ve gone in to find out what the delay was unexplained the PT that he will need to do those photos next time.

whattodo1975 · 03/12/2022 15:00

Sounds like it was just a really inconvenient time for you to visit with house move etc going on.