for being moody about being left in the car for hours by DP?

[stylishelish]

Me and my boyfriend live in different cities so we see each other at the weekends and sometimes in the week. He drives to see me, but I don’t drive so he either picks me up or I get trains to his city and stay over for however long. He’s really good to me like that, he will let me stay at his for days and then wake up early to drive me to work (which is about a 1.5 hour drive from his) before he goes to work. I’m really happy generally and I think he is too.

This week I travelled to see him on the train. I was only staying two nights because of work but he was on annual leave all week. He picked me up from the station & then he said he had to run a few errands. That took about an hour or so and it was nearly midnight by the time he was done. When he had finished he just went to bed because he was shattered.

The next two days were hectic - he is in between two houses so sorting a lot of stuff out and nowhere really were we can both stay comfortably. So a lot of the time, he was driving between his old house and new house moving stuff like furniture etc., and so I couldn’t really stay in either place during the day. So I had to sit in the car. I did try and help as much as possible but I got the impression I wasn’t helping so much, and his brother was there helping so I felt a bit like a spare part. So spent most of the time in the car.

At the end of the 2 days he said we’d go for a nice meal because (in his words) “you’ve been in the car these last 2 days like a dog”. So I thought it would be a nice end to an otherwise quite boring few days. I waited and then he said he was going to a personal training session from 6-8 but was I okay to wait in the car? I said okay reluctantly but said I really didn’t want to be late back. He said he wouldn’t be over 2 hours.

I listened to a podcast just waited. He was actually late back (he came back to the car 840) and said it was because his personal trainer (who I know) wanted to put videos of him on his Instagram 🙄

I was just a bit quiet when he came back and said “I don’t think we’ve spent that much time together that’s all”

He said I was selfish and he would have to have a think about whether he wanted to continue the relationship.

i did agree to sit in the car, but I was passive aggressive really wasn’t I?

Agree.

When you realised he was busy and you were being shut away like a dog, why didn't you just get the train home

He should have told you not to come this weekend, and when you realised he was busy you should have gone home.

He has treated you badly and it's no great loss if you don't hear from him again.

He wasted your entire weekend and literally treated you like a dog.

Men (boys...) who spend a whole weekend with their not-local girlfriends doing errands/gym/unnecessary tasks, and aren't still excited about a weekend of spending time with them in the first year, are already going off the girlfriend. I'd write this off.

It's the equivalent of when I was 16 and my ex invited me over then sat playing Resident Evil all day.

At first \i thought it was a combination of thoughtlessness and also just a bad time but -not great but I'd be OK if the relationship was good otherwise but saying this: “you’ve been in the car these last 2 days like a dog", promising you food and then leaving you in the car again feels SO insulting. He basically acknowledged it was degrading to you and then deliberately did it again. Sorry, but it feels like a shit test, or a deliberate attempt to show you where you are in his priorities. I would have been really cross. And to then complain when you complained. Maybe he called you passive aggressive because he knew, really, you would have been justified in being actually angry rather than hurt.

I don’t think you two are going to be sitting in your rocking chairs together when you’re elderly.

He should have told you that he had too much to do to spend any time with you and so it would be better to rearrange. Essentially, although he’s been in the wrong here, it’s quite a low level thing to fall out about so the fact that he’s told you it is making him reconsider your relationship would concern me. You’ve dated for one year, not one month. If he was that serious about you, this wouldn’t be enough for him to end things over. In your shoes, I think I’d hold off on buying him a Christmas present.

Actually, and I could be wrong, but it feels almost like he was trying to engineer a fight (maybe to get you to break up with him so he wasn't the one doing it, maybe he just wanted a fight.) and then when you reacted by being quiet rather than angry he engineered a fight with you for that instead. I don't think you could have won in that encounter

He's treated you so badly. He's not a nice boyfriend and you can do better. Just dump him. Maybe have a look at the freedom programme. It sounds like you are trying to be a good partner but at the expense of your standards and your self esteem.

You weren’t passive aggressive. You were just passive. He’s not behaved well to you.

I would have left when he compared you to a dog.

You seem to have missed my point. You sat in a stationary car with the engine running for 2 hours and 40 minutes.

1. That is illegal.
2. You were spewing out pollution that whole time.
3. The quality of air you were breathing was really bad. Maybe you should google how bad the air is inside an idling car. And you were breathing that for 2 hours and 40 minutes.

I know you're not a driver, but do you know how bad it is to just sit there running an engine like that?

I've read your updates OP and his behaviour is just not good enough. He's treating you really badly and seems to have no respect for you. I do hope you move on - then he can run after you if he wants to, but you need to value yourself and your time more highly than this.

He wanted you there for one thing and then the rest of the weekend he just allowed you to tag along. The fact that he didn't let you know he was moving house. And the fact that he booked a two hour training session and stayed behind to chat to his trainer when he knew it was his weekend to see you shows where you are on his list of priorities in my view. I would dump him and work on your self esteem.

Yes, he’s wasted your time and then blamed you for it. I’d not be going back.

It was a difficult week for you to be there, given that he was moving house. He was obviously going to be focussed on getting the job done.

In a week like that I would expect to be working hard to help him, or else be very low maintenance and keep out of his way. You could have gone to the cinema or whatever.

Having said that his behaviour in spending 2 hours with his personal trainer and thinking it ok you sit in the car, and the calling you selfish is outrageous. I wouldn’t find that acceptable at all.

This entire relationship seems kind of… all kinds of screwed up. Surely there are other options to just sitting in the car all the time? Honestly even a dog shouldn’t sit in the car like that. I don’t normally suggest ending relationships but this just seems like a huge red flag. This will not just end with sitting in the car. He’s testing you to see what you will tolerate from him. It will escalate in my opinion. Leave now. There are better fish in the sea that won’t leave you sitting in cars all the time.

Yes, this.
This is how he sees you. This is how he treats you. You do not have to follow him around like that!
Please do not contact him. Have some boundaries and expectations of how to be treated well.

Wow he really knows how to show you a good time 🙄.

I'd seriously consider bailing now. People tend to make less effort, not more, as relationships develop.

He’s decided he’s over the relationship and rather than be a big boy and have an adult conversation he’s decided to be a nob and let you dump him. I’ve no idea why guys do that.

What have I just read.
On the one hand he looks considerate (which he probably thinks he is) etc driving picking you up but he clearly is an a hole. Why book the trainign session and have you wait there. I knew a guy like that, needed all his g friends be aorund 24/7 accompanying him at every step, it just got worse with each one, as they ended up doing a mummy/servant jobs ("I am so busy, but no no, please stay at all cost, and do this and that while you are at it")- he sounds a bit the same.

Also, why didnt he take you for the meal in the end?

I’ve already said I didn’t have the heater on the whole time. Read the thread.

Because he said I was selfish

Yes this -

He is an oaf, you are a dope for sitting in the car for a weekend (go to a cafe, the cinema, or just go home).

I'd get shot of him, but either way you need to be more assertive - it's your life.

He's not a keeper, you can do better. I think you dodged a bullet there.