for being moody about being left in the car for hours by DP?

[stylishelish]

Me and my boyfriend live in different cities so we see each other at the weekends and sometimes in the week. He drives to see me, but I don’t drive so he either picks me up or I get trains to his city and stay over for however long. He’s really good to me like that, he will let me stay at his for days and then wake up early to drive me to work (which is about a 1.5 hour drive from his) before he goes to work. I’m really happy generally and I think he is too.

This week I travelled to see him on the train. I was only staying two nights because of work but he was on annual leave all week. He picked me up from the station & then he said he had to run a few errands. That took about an hour or so and it was nearly midnight by the time he was done. When he had finished he just went to bed because he was shattered.

The next two days were hectic - he is in between two houses so sorting a lot of stuff out and nowhere really were we can both stay comfortably. So a lot of the time, he was driving between his old house and new house moving stuff like furniture etc., and so I couldn’t really stay in either place during the day. So I had to sit in the car. I did try and help as much as possible but I got the impression I wasn’t helping so much, and his brother was there helping so I felt a bit like a spare part. So spent most of the time in the car.

At the end of the 2 days he said we’d go for a nice meal because (in his words) “you’ve been in the car these last 2 days like a dog”. So I thought it would be a nice end to an otherwise quite boring few days. I waited and then he said he was going to a personal training session from 6-8 but was I okay to wait in the car? I said okay reluctantly but said I really didn’t want to be late back. He said he wouldn’t be over 2 hours.

I listened to a podcast just waited. He was actually late back (he came back to the car 840) and said it was because his personal trainer (who I know) wanted to put videos of him on his Instagram 🙄

I was just a bit quiet when he came back and said “I don’t think we’ve spent that much time together that’s all”

He said I was selfish and he would have to have a think about whether he wanted to continue the relationship.

i did agree to sit in the car, but I was passive aggressive really wasn’t I?

*He did say I could go and sit in a cafe,,,did ask whether I should go home after the first night”

why are you behaving this way, asking him, him telling you what you can do, why are you not behaving like an adult. I don’t understand

This. You would annoy me if you were my partner, speak up.

No we didn’t go for a meal, he dropped me back off home and hasn’t spoken to me since

A few questions from me, OP.

How long have you been together?

How did you meet?

Why don't you drive?

The car felt more comfortable because of the heater.

So the engine was running for 2 hours?

It sounds like the ex boyfriend doesn't want to see you any more. I also think you need to learn to be more assertive.

You do sound really passive.

At the point that he acknowledged you’d ‘waited in the car like a dog’ for days, and then suggested you wait in the car again for two fucking hours why the hell didn’t you say - err, not a chance you git!

Can you not take any initiative yourself..

How did you have the heater on in the car for 2 hrs?!

He's not really 'good' to you!

'He let me stay in his house for days'.

It's the 'let me' part that shows how you perceive yourself in this.

It's like you are a lesser being or some sort of unpaid service person that he allows to hang around when he feels like it.

Or that he provides accommodation when you don't really deserve it.

But you are his partner, you don't need his permission.

You walked into a trap when he was moving. He didn't really want you there but he didn't have the decency to say it, but then wanted you to stay out of the way.

If it were me I'd just have got the train straight home and say see ya after you move I'm not sitting in your car like a kid waiting for her Da to come out of the shops.

But you were happy for any crumb off his table maybe so sitting in his car seemed ok to you, maybe?

The relationship doesn't sound equal.
He leads and you follow. I think you've work to do on your self esteem.
Whatever the dynamic if the relationship doesn't feel equal there's something wrong. If the guy feels like your Dad who is 'in charge' then that's not going to work. Look for someone who feels equal.

coming up to a year

we met when he came to visit his friend where I live

20s

Oh I don’t drive because I live in London and never felt the need to learn. Having lessons currently

Dump him dreadful way to waste days.

Is this a typical weekend?

If not, what would a normal one look like?

"As you come across as someone who needs to be told what to do rather than takes the initiative and that is exhausting when someone is busy trying to get loads done."

You do have to wait for instructions if you're helping someone move though. You can't just start doing the wrong thing. It's also possible that the things needing to be moved were too heavy for OP.

Unless you have a medical condition, learn to drive and get a car. From his point of view, I've been in a relationship where my partner didn't drive. It was a real pain. But, from your point of view, you'd have independence to say, I'm going home when you'd had enough, and be in control of your own life

I don't know why people are saying to break up when this is one weekend when he's mid house move.

It was a weekend that didn't work out. You do seem very passive, OP. It would have made more sense to say 'Ive done all I can to help, I'm just in the way now,' and got yourself an Uber to the station and a train home. Stay on top of your own situation and value your own time. If things aren't working well for you, walk away. Don't allow yourself to be treated, in his words, 'like a dog'.

Irrelevant.

She had options. Using her words. Saying NO. Getting the train home.
But seems unable to blow her nose without asking her b/f's permission.

"Why don't you drive?"

What the hell has that got to do with anything? So she could sit in her car instead??

"Irrelevant."

What do you mean irrelevant. The poster said she should just start moving according to her own opinions rather than asking the person moving what help is needed. I argued that you can't do that.

I agree that she shouldn't have just sat in the car, either during the move, or during the gym session, but you can't just start moving other people's things for them.

You sound unbelievably passive tbh. I’d have said no to sitting waiting for him to have his PT session- I’d have gone to the pub for a couple of hours with my book or just got the train home. Learn to drive so that you can take charge of your own mobility rather than waiting for a bloke to chauffeur you around everywhere.

You had the car running for 2 hours to heat it? I think that is the most shocking thing about this story.

You do seem very passive op. I would have got stuck in with the house move and it would probably have got done much quicker. I can't imagine sitting in a car getting bored while people were working around me. It goes against all my instincts.

I also don't think it's terrible that he did what he needed to do. Being in a relationship isn't just about going on dates and doing nice things. It involves the day to day mundane stuff too and I think you can really get to know someone by working along side them.

What he said wasn't very nice about ending the relationship, but maybe he saw something on that weekend that made him rethink the relationship.

I don't know why people are saying to break up when this is one weekend when he's mid house move.

Really? You're excusing this cockwomble because he was moving house @MarshaMelrose

He didn't tell OP he was moving, graciously allowed her to clean his new house, when she had no further use to him he stashed her in his car for 2 days, acknowledged that this was pretty shit for her but then doubled down on his shitness by expecting her to wait in the car another 2 hours for a totally unnecessary gym visit, promised her dinner out afterwards, was 40 minutes late, then had the temerity to call OP selfish for feeling fed up, didn't give her the dinner he promised & took her home after threatening to finish with her.

That's why PP are saying LTB.
But don't worry - she won't. It would involve making an autonomous decision, & she doesn't allow herself to do anything unless her b/f gives her permission to.

"You do have to wait for instructions if you're helping someone move though. You can't just start doing the wrong thing. It's also possible that the things needing to be moved were too heavy for OP."

There's stuff in the car. You arrive at the new place. The stuff in the car needs to be in the new place. Why would anyone need instructions to pick something up, carry it in and place it tidily against a wall in a room for the owner to rearrange at his convenience? And surely it's not difficult to carefully try to lift something, find it's too heavy and leave that item for someone stronger.

bit of both - he was a dick, he could have done all of that stuff earlier in the week if he was on leave, no reason to have left it until you came. Or he could have explained there was no point in you coming.

However you were also a bit wet. At the point you'd finished hoovering the first house and it became apparent the plan was for you to sit in the car the rest of the day I would have said. 'No I'm not sitting in the car, I'll go for a walk/round the shops/to the pub for a few hours.'

Then by the evening if you asked what the plan was for tomorrow and he said more of the same, I'd have been really annoyed, asked why he hadn't done all that earlier in the week, what was the point in me being here if we weren't going to spend some time together and got a bus/train home myself.

And no fucking way would I have agreed to sitting in the car for another 3 hours for a PT session. Why didn't you just say 'Hang on you've just acknowledged I've spent my whole weekend off sitting in your car like a dog, why on earth would I spend another few hours doing it? You just said we were going out for a meal.'
So at least 3 opportunities to not be such a martyr if you were unhappy.

Irrelevant because it makes no odds who was moving what @Gwenhwyfar
The entire house move is a red herring.

OP's inability to make her own decisions is the most relevant concern.
Another one is what a DARVO'ing bellend her b/f is.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
Calling her 'selfish' for feeling pissed off & threatening to finish with her ...
to which OP's reaction is classically that of a person in an abusive relationship - she blames herself, & feels at fault for voicing the mildest displeasure that they hadn't spent much time together.

He's a controlling nightmare, & she's in need of counselling to help her establish what caused her self-esteem to be so low that she is incapable of setting her own boundaries & making her own decisions.
Apologies for saying that so bluntly OP - but I hope you DO go & find yourself some counselling,. Because somebody in your early life has done a right number on your self-worth & ability to stand up for yourself.

The OP says she lives in London where she doesn't need a car. I didn't drive when I lived in London either so I don't think it's fair to berate her for not driving.