Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't help with nursery bills

409 replies

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:51

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

OP posts:
Joyfuljolly · 03/12/2022 12:51

Is he the kids father?

Joyfuljolly · 03/12/2022 12:52

Well I guess he must be sorry.

and yes that’s shit of him

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:52

@Joyfuljolly Yes he is!

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 03/12/2022 12:52

If he is the baby’s father then this is a disgusting attitude to have.

jadedspark · 03/12/2022 12:53

Point out it's also his choice to work instead of being a stay at home dad

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 12:53

Joyfuljolly · 03/12/2022 12:51

Is he the kids father?

I mean they have been together for 4 years and she is retiring from maternity leave, that's would be some drip feed if the baby isn't his!

OP how do you work the rest of your finances? Surely this is just a 'from the pot' expense?

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 12:53

Sorry cross posted

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/12/2022 12:54

Shared child. Shared expense.

as you say partner I’m assuming you’re not married, which puts you in a massively precarious position financially.

sort your finances out asap.

endofthelinefinally · 03/12/2022 12:54

This is the start OP. It will only get worse. Don't fall into the trap of losing your job, your career, your financial security to end up dependent on this man. Does he expect you to pay half of everything else?

Theskyisfallingdown · 03/12/2022 12:54

What legal protections do you have in place,being legally single? Can you put in a CMS claim? Does the boyfriend not know what a bad idea it is for an unmarried woman to be dependent on a bloke? He is equally responsible for the cost of having a kid.

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2022 12:54

So he is going to support you being a SAHM then?

The choices are you are a SAHM and he supports you, you both jointly pay Nursery fees and into the pot, he looks after your DS and you support.

FlissyPaps · 03/12/2022 12:54

I really hate to jump to conclusions but this screams financial abuse.

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:54

We have separate bank accounts and share the bills between us, he pays very slightly more than I do as he earns more.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 03/12/2022 12:54

At least you know never to have another child with this arsehole.

Fundays12 · 03/12/2022 12:55

If he is your child’s father he absolutely should be paying them. If dh had refused to personally that would be a deal breaker for me and I would end our marriage. Your child is both your responsibility not just yours. Does he have a history of being controlling or financial abuse? Does he have an issue with you working? Or with your child going to nursery?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2022 12:55

I seriously doubt he doesn't have form for this kind of selfishness.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/12/2022 12:56

He is clearly not very clever. He knows that your choice to work is exactly the same as his choice to work?

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2022 12:56

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:54

We have separate bank accounts and share the bills between us, he pays very slightly more than I do as he earns more.

Then you need to point out that in order for this to continue you have to work and someone needs to look after your DS!

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 12:56

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:54

We have separate bank accounts and share the bills between us, he pays very slightly more than I do as he earns more.

Childcare is simply another bill to share

Burnamer · 03/12/2022 12:56

What’s been happening financially whilst you’ve been on may leave? Did you discuss before getting pregnant?

vivaespanaole · 03/12/2022 12:56

So, is he going to pay you the equivalent of half of your salary for staying home to care for the child which is half his and he knowingly cares for and has joint responsibility for?

Or is he going to be a SAHP or work part time himself to provide 'his half' of the care.

Why on earth would you be 'liable' for it all?

Do not stay at home with a partner with these views as he will expect you to do all childcare and all Housework as well no doubt.

Why are you not a team? Why is it not being paid for from a joint pot of family money.

milawops · 03/12/2022 12:56

Don't go back to work then. Stay at home tell him to pay all the bills and bill him each week for the childcare you are providing so that he can work. £50 a day where I am.
What an absolute bellend he is.

MojoMoon · 03/12/2022 12:56

You aren't married?

You must go back to work to protect yourself financially. If you split up later, you will be entitled to nothing to compensate you for the years spent doing unpaid domestic labour. You will have damaged your career prospects and not been paying into a pension at the most critical time in your life. You will be paying for staying at home for the rest of your life.

But preferably: leave the bastard now, go back to work and move on to a better life because he sounds like an absolute bellend.

purplemunkey · 03/12/2022 12:57

Did you not discuss this? How can he not realise that having a child together would be a joint expense? He absolutely pays half. Unbelievable that he thinks it’s your cost.

I’d be questioning the relationship following that TBH.

CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2022 12:57

It's a shitty attitude to have...although when I returned to work my wages covered the nursery fees but that was MY decision.