Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't help with nursery bills

409 replies

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:51

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 03/12/2022 13:25

I'd be telling him he's shot himself in the foot here. Remind him he'll be responsible for 24/7 sole care of his child half of every week if you split over this. And that's now looking likely.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/12/2022 13:26

Your updates get worse! Why pay on mat leave I’d seriously bill him for 50% of childcare for last 9m - what’s good for goose is good for gander. Lots of couples work around each other for childcare. When is your day off?
The set up isn’t working. You think you are a family. He thinks he’s a single man. Legally you are both single. Don’t act to your detriment.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 03/12/2022 13:27

He's an idiot.
A selfish short sighted idiot.
Was baby a planned joint decision?
Your career is not his decision.
You take control. Tell him, don't ask him. The nursery fees for your JOINT child is a JOINT expense.
As a pp said, you can say that you will arrange & pay for your days. He can arrange & pay for his days.
His selfish way of thinking needs to stop. Now.

Beefcurtains79 · 03/12/2022 13:28

So what have you been saying back? Surely the relationship is over? You’d have to be the biggest loser/doormat ever to put up with that.

knittingaddict · 03/12/2022 13:29

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:00

He has suggested that I will be entitled to benefits which would help contribute towards the household bills, and that on top of his wage would be enough to cover everything.

You live together? He earns a decent wage? Why does he think you can claim benefits? The benefits would be a joint claim based on all wages coming into the home.

He sounds financially controlling and I have seen men like this for myself.

Mumsanetta · 03/12/2022 13:30

You know full well that he is being unreasonable. What has been your response @Sarahlll? Do you want to stay with your DP?

Naunet · 03/12/2022 13:30

What would his family think of him saying this, or your family for that matter? Because I’d be telling them, shame the misogynistic bastard.

CantFindTheBeat · 03/12/2022 13:32

Who owns the house, OP? Is it in joint names?

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:33

Sorry, am trying to keep up with all the questions!

I have a very supportive family and great friends so if we were to split up I wouldn't be on my own.

My overall financial position is ok - I manage to save some each month and as I mentioned previously, I have a good pension through work.

If I want some 'me' time then he will have DC, but I've noticed that he texts me an awful lot when I am out - even if it's just constant photos of our DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:34

@Naunet His family actually appear to agree with him.

@CantFindTheBeat The actual house is in my name.

OP posts:
FatimaHatima · 03/12/2022 13:34

FlissyPaps · 03/12/2022 12:54

I really hate to jump to conclusions but this screams financial abuse.

Nursery is a bill, same as any other. He owes you the same percentage.

Or tell you are going to work, so you presume he will be staying home with ther baby if he's not willing to pay for nursery?

I will never understand how women get themselves in this situation. So mny of them on here!

FatimaHatima · 03/12/2022 13:35

wrong quote

honeylulu · 03/12/2022 13:35

Omg, just read the bit about him saying he doesn't want to look after the baby on his non working days. So presumably if you do go back to work (and you MUST) he expecting you to foot the nursery bills for those extra days too so he has his "me time". No no no.

On days you both need nursery either split the cost or you pay and deduct from your other bill contributions. Make sure all the bills are in his name so this is workable! Don't book nursery for his me time days as that benefits him alone. The tight arsed git can pay for that out of his precious separate income. And ffs stop contributing equally while on mat leave now your income has dropped.

Or better still cut out all the crap, dump the manchild and go it alone (with CM). I'm surprised you can beat to look at him, let alone shag him.

GabriellaMontez · 03/12/2022 13:35

I can't believe you continued to pay your full share of bills while on reduced wage caring for your shared dc. omg.

OliveWah · 03/12/2022 13:35

I would just tell him not to be ridiculous, it's a family bill, which needs to be paid by family money. If you're already both contributing to the rest of the bills to run you home, then surely the childcare bill just gets added to that list and each of you adds proportionally more cash to cover the extra expense? I would tell him it's not an "optional" bill; he is a joint parent, so his child's care is a joint responsibility. What a prince, poor you OP.

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2022 13:35

So to check - he expects you to pay fully for childcare on days both parents are working, and then expects you to pay fully for childcare on days that one parent (him) is available and you don’t need childcare, so you’ll pay for his leisure time. He’s not offering to cover all bills and give you additional personal spending money, he expects you to some how get benefits that will cover you share of household bills and then have no money to spend on yourself so that he can pretend to be a great family man?

oh dear you’ve accidentally had a child with a twat.

Inyournewdress · 03/12/2022 13:36

Tell him you won’t be contributing either as it’s his decision to remain at work when he could be a SAHD. Suggest he gets back to you in 48 hours with ideas of where your DC will be while you’re both at work.

knittingaddict · 03/12/2022 13:36

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:34

@Naunet His family actually appear to agree with him.

@CantFindTheBeat The actual house is in my name.

Gopd news about the house at least.

cakewench · 03/12/2022 13:37

What an dickhead. Honestly.

Of course it's unfair, you didn't spontaneously produce a child all by yourself. Suggest he quit his job and look after his child and you go to work and see how he comes up with all kinds of excuses as to why it would be a bad thing.

He is an incredibly selfish person (despite 'buying bits' for his own child as needed.....) and I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Yes I know people will say oh everyone always leaps to LTB territory, but some of us have expectations of our partnerships and this man isn't a partner.

honeylulu · 03/12/2022 13:37

One bit of excellent news - the house is in your sole name. Nice one OP! Can you afford it (and bills and nursery) on your own with your wage and CM?

Dixiechickonhols · 03/12/2022 13:37

His family are idiots.
House in your name = good. You can throw him out immediately.
Check what entitled to on your wage and maintenance. Bet you’ll be ok. Definitely better off than with him.
Don’t be bullied. You seriously are better off without him.

cakewench · 03/12/2022 13:37

Cross post, but thank fuck the house is in your name.

Everydayimhuffling · 03/12/2022 13:39

OP, I don't know how you didn't laugh in his face at the idea that you alone are responsible for the nursery bills when half of them are to give him his 'me time'! Seriously, that is deranged!

Zanatdy · 03/12/2022 13:39

GabriellaMontez · 03/12/2022 13:35

I can't believe you continued to pay your full share of bills while on reduced wage caring for your shared dc. omg.

I did this too with DD as I hated living off DP’s wage when I took 6 months no pay with DS. So with DD I saved up and put the same in the joint account. 15yrs on from that I can vouch to OP it gets no better. We have been split 12yrs, he’s hardly paid me any direct maintenance. He’s saved up for kids Uni fee’s instead and told DS he’s made a lot of sacrifices for that (working overseas, maid, driver, double salary, boo fucking hoo). I’ve finally had enough and told him he has to pay me maintenance. This month £1000 came for ‘winter fuel’. So controlling financially. Can’t bring himself to pay maintenance. He did pay half the nursery fee’s though.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 03/12/2022 13:39

Take in a lodger or two to cover his share of nursery fees - Preferably big hairy blokes.