DP won't help with nursery bills

[Sarahlll]

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

@toomuchlaundry Yep have still been paying the same on my reduced salary! He is a pretty hands on dad, will get up in the night and has no problem feeding, changing etc them.

He just doesn’t want to cough up so he’s hoping you will take the financial hit and do it for free or pay it all . What a prince amongst men he is

This.

Think of yourself as a single mum. It's surely only a matter if time. Do not have any more children with him.

How often has he had them on his own?

Huge wake up call.

So you’re ending the relationship, right?

You cannot possibly get past the revaluation that your boyfriend is a selfish, probably abusive, incredibly unintelligent worm.

Start making plans - go back to work full time and advise him what his child maintenance payments will be. Please don’t give up your job, you will regret it forever if you do.

So he wants you to be a sahm? Having never agreed to this, in fact agreed to the opposite? Where's all this come from op?

If you left, you'd get maintenance from him, seeing as he doesn't want to parent on the days he's not working he's unlikely to want 50/50 which would mean there was no maintenance to pay.

So, work it out. If you went back to work and paid the whole nursery bill and whatever you have to put in the bills what would your finances look like? Then work it out that if you left him, put your salary into the benefits calculator and his salary and the imagined time he'd have the baby and work out what the CMS payment would be. What would your financial position be then?

If you are feeling generous, you could do the calculations for him. If we stay together, I go back to work and we split the nursery bill, you'd be in this position. But if I left you, and you had to pay all the bills on your own, plus CMS, you'd be in this financial situation. Oh, and those precious me time days off would be probably be gone too.

Let him see the reality of the situations!

So how would he expect you to contribute if you are not working? This doesnt make sense.

How much more does he earn?

Why does he think you not working is free childcare? Its costing how ever much you earn. Is he going to pay you 50% of your current salary so you can put money in a pension and have savingg and buy what you need.

Is this as a result of influence from his mum or a friend or colleague whose partner doesn't work? I am assuming you will earn more than the childcare costs (even if it takes a while to break even - the pension is a very important consideration).

It's quite the bombshell at such short notice.

Does he realise you won't even get the full child benefit if he's a higher rate taxpayer?!

he's decided that he doesn't see why he should contribute towards the nursery fees as if I didn't return to work then there wouldn't be a bill to pay!

Tell him he can stay at home with the baby and claim benefits, and then your wage should be enough.

You’re not married. The child is 50% his responsibility. He pays 50% of childcare costs or HE can choose to give up his salary.

I mean, there are some piss-poor excuses by fathers about financial fairness but this one seems so blatantly AWFUL I am struggling to accept it’s true. Poor you, OP.

It would be end if line for me. He obviously sees baby as your hobby and you as two single people. He’s not your partner. When someone shows you who they are listen. Do not give up your job and pension.
If you split he’ll pay maintenance unless he has baby 50/50 and you may be entitled to help with childcare. Do not give in.
CAB has decent guide re rights for unmarried couples.
Do not have rush another baby with him.

Oh dear. He's prioritising his 'me time' over spending time with his baby. Does he realise that he's a father now and needs to put his child first? When is he proposing that you get your own 'me time'?

Yep have still been paying the same on my reduced salary!

Someone tell me why some women agree to this??

Terrified of being seen as gold diggers I think.

What? So it’s his child, and he doesn’t want to pay his share for nursery. He’s expecting you to give up your salary to care for him? Sorry but no way I could be in a marriage or relationship like that. Kids are a joint responsibility, or should be

Yep have still been paying the same on my reduced salary!

Why? Genuinely, why didn’t this get discussed and renegotiated before?

He sounds exceptionally selfish.

I would leave for this.

I feel really sorry for you OP, what a mess,.

I would go absolutely ballistic. Presumably he wanted this child. Did he just think his life and finances would continue unaffected?

Nursery is a shared expense for your shared child.

What is your overall financial situation?

This with fucking huge jingly bells on

He's either terribly dim or an abusive twat

That's grossly unfair: it very much sounds like he may be both.

He's an abusive prick OP. This is complete LTB territory and will only get worse I imagine.

I'd be telling him that you're putting baby in nursery for "your" half of the week and telling DP he can stay home with him the other half if he wants seen as your child is a JOINT responsibility.

Exhibit #15667747500 on why reproducing with selfish men who won't put they money where their mouth is by marrying you and sharing finances beforehand is not a very bright idea...