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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't help with nursery bills

409 replies

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:51

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

OP posts:
trevthecat · 03/12/2022 13:04

You will only be entitled to a small amount of benefits if anything at all. He is being ridiculous and selfish

Alexandernevermind · 03/12/2022 13:04

honeylulu · 03/12/2022 12:58

Reduce your contribution to the bills and mortgage by the cost of nursery (and make sure the proportion is in line with your respective earnings).The effect will still be the same - proportionately shared joint expenses. He can gripe about it but tough. If he's going to be an arse about the expenses associated with your JOINT child, then he deserves a taste of his own medicine.

I agree with this. He is bordering on ltb territory anyway, but if he refuses this very reasonable solution then its a ltb.

crussont · 03/12/2022 13:04

I've suggested a joint bank account for bills in the past and he refused. make plans to leave.

What happens at the moment if baby needs something? Who pays.

caramac04 · 03/12/2022 13:05

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2022 12:54

So he is going to support you being a SAHM then?

The choices are you are a SAHM and he supports you, you both jointly pay Nursery fees and into the pot, he looks after your DS and you support.

Don’t forget paying into a pension for OP if she stays at home to care for their child.
It could be a loss of career if OP becomes a SAHM.
Life as a mum can be difficult enough, work or not work, busy, sleep deprived etc without financial abuse.
OP if he won’t pay towards nursery it shouts out to me that you need to work for some independence. Tell him he can pay for a cleaner and for his laundry to be washed and ironed, he shares the cooking/pays for a takeaway for half the week and to cover school trips going forward (when of school age). He is a parent too the arrogant sod.

FI0N · 03/12/2022 13:06

MojoMoon · 03/12/2022 12:56

You aren't married?

You must go back to work to protect yourself financially. If you split up later, you will be entitled to nothing to compensate you for the years spent doing unpaid domestic labour. You will have damaged your career prospects and not been paying into a pension at the most critical time in your life. You will be paying for staying at home for the rest of your life.

But preferably: leave the bastard now, go back to work and move on to a better life because he sounds like an absolute bellend.

This. Do not give up your job, you MUST go back full time. Put the child care bill through your joint account. Make sure he does half the nursery pick up / drop offs and sick days .

Samanabanana · 03/12/2022 13:07

LTB, he'll pay more towards his own child through maintenance than he is paying now. And you will probably will be entitled to some benefits then. What an arsehole.

FayCarew · 03/12/2022 13:07

He's either terribly dim or an abusive twat

Oysterbabe · 03/12/2022 13:07

Tell him that you will pay for nursery on half your working days. On your other working days childcare is his to arrange, either by going part time or paying for childcare.

Everydayimhuffling · 03/12/2022 13:07

He chose to work. Why wouldn't he be expected to pay? If he was at home you wouldn't need to pay for nursery.

The refusal to have a joint account is concerning to me. Is he definitely earning what you think he's earning?

honeylulu · 03/12/2022 13:07

He has suggested that I will be entitled to benefits which would help contribute towards the household bills, and that on top of his wage would be enough to cover everything

Tell him if you split up (which he seems to deserve!) then you'll be entitled to benefits AND 15% of his income in child maintenance.

Also I'd be very surprised if universal credit top up (sorry if I'm using the wrong terminology) on your household income puts you jointly in a better financial position than if you work and (jointly) pay nursery fees. Plus you won't be able to hand over all the benefit as you need to cover your own personal expenses first.

Has he even considered that you'll be missing out on pension contributions, pay rises, promotion opportunities, career progression if you don't return to work? Is he going to compensate you for that? No? Thought not.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 03/12/2022 13:07

I mean, I'm fully behind people who need benefits getting benefits, but you're a skilled worker who wants to go back to work and I'm supposed to pay for that because your DP won't pay for his own kid's nursery?

That's some level of fucked upness right there OP. (Not you obviously, him).

Justthisonce12 · 03/12/2022 13:07

caramac04 · 03/12/2022 13:05

Don’t forget paying into a pension for OP if she stays at home to care for their child.
It could be a loss of career if OP becomes a SAHM.
Life as a mum can be difficult enough, work or not work, busy, sleep deprived etc without financial abuse.
OP if he won’t pay towards nursery it shouts out to me that you need to work for some independence. Tell him he can pay for a cleaner and for his laundry to be washed and ironed, he shares the cooking/pays for a takeaway for half the week and to cover school trips going forward (when of school age). He is a parent too the arrogant sod.

Show quote history

All good in theory, but he wont

Bestcatmum · 03/12/2022 13:08

MojoMoon · 03/12/2022 12:56

You aren't married?

You must go back to work to protect yourself financially. If you split up later, you will be entitled to nothing to compensate you for the years spent doing unpaid domestic labour. You will have damaged your career prospects and not been paying into a pension at the most critical time in your life. You will be paying for staying at home for the rest of your life.

But preferably: leave the bastard now, go back to work and move on to a better life because he sounds like an absolute bellend.

I'd split up with him now and save myself years of grief.

HelloBunny · 03/12/2022 13:08

When you go back to work, stop looking after household jobs that benefit him. Dinner

user143677433 · 03/12/2022 13:08

Tell him there is a really simple alternative. You will only put child in nursery half of the week, which you will pay for. He needs to go part time to look after child the other half of the week (or he needs to pay for it).

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:08

He works shifts so my compromise to him was why don't we put DC in nursery just the days we are both working and he can have them on his days off but he has also said no to this - these days are 'his' time. Never mind the fact that I'll be working full time and still having our child!

OP posts:
Roundandnour · 03/12/2022 13:09

Act just as stupid as him @Sarahlll

Oh wow you’re giving up your job to be a sahp. That’s brilliant. This way we won’t have to take split time off when dc is ill etc. Wjen do you need to hand in notice?

toomuchlaundry · 03/12/2022 13:09

So who has paid for all the baby things so far? Did you have good maternity pay or gave you been paying bills on a very much reduced salary in the last few months?

user564576 · 03/12/2022 13:09

If this is how he thinks you've got MUCH bigger problems than childcare costs.

Hugasauras · 03/12/2022 13:10

He is thick as mince

GrazingSheep · 03/12/2022 13:10

At least you now know exactly what he is like. Don’t have a second child with him. Go back to work.

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:11

We've both been buying bits our child needs, he doesn't have a problem with that it seems!

My maternity pay was pretty good, although the last few months I've been on a reduced wage.

OP posts:
WhatLikeItsHard · 03/12/2022 13:11

From what you've posted so far, leave.

Get your ducks in a row, figure out what benefits you will be entitled to as a single parent, apply apply child maintenance.

He sounds like a useless partner and father. All of his time and money is his 🙄. Unless he has a massive attitude shift, can't see this getting better. You will get shafted by him.

Clymene · 03/12/2022 13:11

I find it hard to believe he was great up until now. Leave him and put in a claim for maintenance.

toomuchlaundry · 03/12/2022 13:12

On your reduced salary have you had to pay the same contributions to household bills as you were on full salary? Is he a hands on dad?