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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't help with nursery bills

409 replies

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:51

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 13:41

Oh op, I'm afraid to say you've had a baby with a sexist pig, if you hadn't already worked that out.

That he thinks there is value in what he's saying is a clue that this sexist attitude is ingrained in him and he will be unable to see the right way.

Don't lose your job and get your ducks in a row to leave as soon as you possibly can.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 03/12/2022 13:41

Honestly, I think you need to ask him to leave. He isn’t willing to pay for childcare for his own child. He doesn’t want you to do a job you love and would prefer you to be skint and wholly reliant on him. If he loved you he would support you in going back to work. You deserve so much better. He will not change.

Ditch him, stay in the house, go back to work, claim maintenance and any benefits your entitled to.

Kennykenkencat · 03/12/2022 13:42

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:00

He has suggested that I will be entitled to benefits which would help contribute towards the household bills, and that on top of his wage would be enough to cover everything.

On what planet does he live?

Divorce him just for being this stupid

You will be entitled to CM and half the nursery fees, half the house, his pension ad everything else he owns if you go for a divorce

And divorce is going to cost him a lot more than 50% of the nursery fees

And he gets to look after his child which will eat away into “his time”

I would be wanting a years nursery fees up front just for pulling this ridiculous stunt as he will keep you waiting for the money each month and you will have arguments over him paying up each month.

I would pack his bags now and save yourself years of misery.

RethinkingLife · 03/12/2022 13:42

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:57

The plan has always been for our child to go to nursery once my maternity leave ended, it's only now that we're a month away he's decided that he doesn't see why he should contribute towards the nursery fees as if I didn't return to work then there wouldn't be a bill to pay!

Why doesn't DP recognise the need to contribute to your pension, somehow compensate for the impact to your worklife and advancement prospects?

poefaced · 03/12/2022 13:43

This is shocking, OP.

Tell him all money is joint and nursery fees come out of that or you are leaving him.

And mean it.

Who owns the house?

LeavesOnTrees · 03/12/2022 13:43

And divorce is going to cost him a lot more than 50% of the nursery fees

They're not married, which makes it doubly important the OP goes back to work.

It would be ultimatum time for me, he either pays up or gets out.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 13:45

Tell him all money is joint and nursery fees come out of that or you are leaving him.

How could she possibly enforce that? They're not married. She has zero legal right to his wages

orchid220 · 03/12/2022 13:45

He obviously considers your DC to be your responsibility rather than the joint one it should be. Your title that he refuses to "help" pay the fees suggests you do to some extent too. He will not be “helping.” he will be paying his share. If he doesn't think your DC should go to nursery then perhaps he should give up work himself. That will save on fees.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/12/2022 13:45

He doesn’t want you to do a job you love and would prefer you to be skint and wholly reliant on him.

No, he would prefer her to be wholly reliant on benefits; he gets to keep his earnings all to himself.

Benefits are a safety net for the underprivileged and those who find themselves in challenging circumstances; not for a parent who just decides that he'd rather keep all of his own money so the taxpayer can pay to provide for his child.

pointythings · 03/12/2022 13:46

Time to stand firm with him. Thank goodness the house is yours! You should never have been paying the same share of household bills on your reduced wage as on your full wage, he should have offered an adjustment. So now it's crunch time: you ARE going back to work, the nursery bill will be added to the household bill, which will be split based on both your full time wages. End. Of.

Or else you are over, he can leave and pay maintenance.

poefaced · 03/12/2022 13:46

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 13:45

Tell him all money is joint and nursery fees come out of that or you are leaving him.

How could she possibly enforce that? They're not married. She has zero legal right to his wages

Re-read my post

Kennykenkencat · 03/12/2022 13:46

LeavesOnTrees · 03/12/2022 13:43

And divorce is going to cost him a lot more than 50% of the nursery fees

They're not married, which makes it doubly important the OP goes back to work.

It would be ultimatum time for me, he either pays up or gets out.

Sorry read it wrong

In which case tell him to Fck off to the other side of Fck town and keep walking

honeylulu · 03/12/2022 13:46

OP another important legal reason why you need to stand firm. If you stop working and he covers the mortgage (on your sole name house) then if/ when he dumps you later he can stake a claim in the equity. Listen up! You could lose your house!

user1477391263 · 03/12/2022 13:47

OP, please please don’t have any more children with this man. And start getting your ducks in a row in preparation for being a single mother. The chances of a relationship like this lasting are basically zero (even without the astonishingly crass belief that he is not obliged to pay for any of the childcare fees, the vast majority of unmarried cohabiting parents have split by the time their kids are 15).

poefaced · 03/12/2022 13:47

The actual house is in my name

Ah, fab

Wetblanket78 · 03/12/2022 13:48

The child is his as well so both are equally responsible.

Keepitrealnomists · 03/12/2022 13:49

WTAF! This is the start of a abusive and controlling relationship. He's showing you his true colours. Leave now, claim maintenance before it gets any worse. This is a deal breaker and I wouldn't stand for it, his bags would be packed.

Mumsanetta · 03/12/2022 13:50

@Sarahlll are you still on this thread? You have had lots of replies but haven’t actually said what you think or what you plan to do!

user1477391263 · 03/12/2022 13:51

You own the house? That is an excellent start, at least.
Start gently getting your stuff ready for kicking him out.
He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:51

@Mumsanetta Yes I've replied lots? Just not to individuals as more than one person has been asking the same question 😊

OP posts:
Theskyisfallingdown · 03/12/2022 13:51

Fantastic that the house is yours, he’s easily dumped then. Refuses to parent on his days off and refusal to fund his kid surely must mean you’re not going to continue having the dirtbag in your house?!

jadedspark · 03/12/2022 13:51

If you'd be entitled to benefits OP then you will be entitled to help with childcare costs. He should still be paying for some of whatever is left though.

Original poster
Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:52

I don't believe we would be entitled to any benefits with his wage but why would I want to use them when I have a perfectly well paying job? Madness!

OP posts:
Allsnotwell · 03/12/2022 13:53

Who pays the mortgage? Does he pay half or is that your bill too?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/12/2022 13:55

WTAF! This is the start of a abusive and controlling relationship. He's showing you his true colours.

Yes, it's very common for abuse to begin during/following pregnancy - nobody shows their hand whilst their victim is still free to leave without any repercussions or greatly challenging circumstances.