Page 17 | DP won't help with nursery bills

Sarahlll · 2022-12-03T12:51:21+00:00

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

MintJulia · 04/12/2022 02:59

My ex started out refusing to pay half. His argument was that I didn't need to return to work, he paid the bills and 'my job was to keep house and look after ds'.

After a year of trying to negotiate, I gave up, went back to work, found a flat, moved out, found a lovely childminder and took ds with me. Ex was enraged, not because he couldn't see DS every evening but because I had left him without a housekeeper.

He tried to starve us back until I suggested going via CMS instead (he's a high earner). He finally paid up but with as much ill will as possible.

Some men are bizarre. They secretly think it's still 1950.

Billybear1 · 04/12/2022 03:18

Looke like OP is not comming back.

StClare101 · 04/12/2022 03:39

The house is in your name? Kick him out and mean it. He doesn’t want to pay for his kid and he doesn’t want to look after his kid. Easy decision to make.

Sceptre86 · 04/12/2022 06:33

This should have been discussed prior to having a child. To me it is a red flag and says a lot about what he thinks of you. My dh paid the nursery bill whenever I went back to work, he was full time and I part time so it made sense. He also applied for flexible working so he could wfh and do nursery pick ups and drop offs more easily. With our 3rd child he has compressed his hours to have a weekday off so he can have baby and be here for our two primary school aged kids. He recognises we are a team though and does whatever he can to support us as a family. We each play our part.

SuspiciousHedgehog · 04/12/2022 06:38

OP
You haven't really gone into how the rest of the relationship is, or how you feel about your partner generally. So I'm going to assume you were relatively happy at this point.

I would, as coldly and business-like as possible, do the sums on your finances without him, including the child maintenance he will be obligated to pay.

Show him these figures. Explain that he would have the option of being a weekend or 50/50 parent but would be obliged to cover all the child's expenses during this time.

Make it clear that you 100% expected to return to your FT job, he agreed. Be clear that if he sabotages that goal, you have no choice but to evict him, as this is a very important agreement to you, a deal breaker. You expect him to be a fully invested parent, otherwise you may as well do it alone.

I realise the above is a big risk, but I think it's in your interests.

His response to this move will tell you all you need to know. He will either roll over, explain him position better in an attempt to negotiate, but still roll over, or leave, with or without extended arguments.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 04/12/2022 06:39

Honestly? He’s not willing to parent equally and fairly or be a team player with you then I’d be ending this relationship. But that’s probably because I have the benefit of hindsight and wish I’d dumped my ex for a having a similar attitude years before I actually left him.

If you do stay (no judgment from me; it’s practically not easy to just up and leave just like that for most) watch out for warning signs of coercive control.

lalala1234 · 04/12/2022 07:29

honeylulu · 03/12/2022 12:58

Reduce your contribution to the bills and mortgage by the cost of nursery (and make sure the proportion is in line with your respective earnings).The effect will still be the same - proportionately shared joint expenses. He can gripe about it but tough. If he's going to be an arse about the expenses associated with your JOINT child, then he deserves a taste of his own medicine.

I think this is the best solution.

This is what I do with my partner (although not because he refuses to pay for nursery). But it just comes straight out of my account and then I transfer whatever is left of my share if the bills/whatever is affordable.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/12/2022 08:16

lalala1234 · 04/12/2022 07:29

I think this is the best solution.

This is what I do with my partner (although not because he refuses to pay for nursery). But it just comes straight out of my account and then I transfer whatever is left of my share if the bills/whatever is affordable.

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The house is in her name though. If he starts paying mortgage he may be able to claim a beneficial interest. It’s complex but at the minute she’s fine house in her name and she’s paid mortgage from her account so he can’t claim he’s just a lodger and she can throw him out today.
If he starts paying mortgage it muddies water and he could threaten a claim or possibly try to claim. Also if he doesn’t pay mortgage it’s her responsibility to pay and her credit etc ruined.

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 16:29

After a year of trying to negotiate, I gave up, went back to work, found a flat, moved out, found a lovely childminder and took ds with me. Ex was enraged, not because he couldn't see DS every evening but because I had left him without a housekeeper
Nice work!
the more women refuse to accept this treatment the more men will see it's not going to work for them and they wont go down those routes. Your ex may not be able to get past his fury but some of his friends will see what's really happening here, gradually word will spread that women are not to be messed with