DP won't help with nursery bills

[Sarahlll]

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

Unbelievable

I think you have to say to him that his response to paying half of his child’s childcare means you cannot rely on him financially. ATM the house is yours. If you allow him to pay the mortgage, he may have a claim on it.

you must go back to work and he must pay for his child’s care. Whether you should stay together is another matter, but you now know you cannot rely on him.

I think you’ve dodged a bullet here OP. Your DP is so dumb that he’s shown all his cards and now you know what you must do. Tell him he’s leaving tomorrow- he can go and stay with his supportive family - you can enjoy the remainder of your mat leave and put your efforts into getting your benefits sorted out so everything’s in place for your return to work.

You should leave him and claim CMS because bullshit like this means he doesn't love or respect you, thinks he is more important in the relationship than you are and you will always be the default parent. he wants to keep you in a subordinate dependant position

However if you want to stay tell him you will be organising childcare and paying for it half the time. and the other half, which happens to fall when he's not working, he will have to organise and pay for and that's on him

But honestly leave him.

Does he realise the maternity pay needs paying back if you don’t return?

The house is in your name?

He's basically a lodger with serious notions about himself.

Pack his stuff in bags and leave it all outside. Change the locks. Text him a Dear John letter.

“Does he realise the maternity pay needs paying back if you don’t return?” @DohaDragon I don’t see where the OP says that?

Most places ask for you to pay back mat leave if you don't return to work

I hope youu have told him that you are going back to work, and if he doesnt want to pay nursery bills then he can be the SAHP

tell him fine but he pays the days he is off and he could watch his child, but chooses not to.

Wow. I can't believe he actually said this.

Explain why it's his responsibility too, and that you'd never give up your independence to rely on him.

If he still insists then it's LTB time.

He is awful OP. I would not be sticking around for a man who thinks it's okay to treat me and my child like this. You are a unit and everything should be shared. He clearly does not see a future with you if he is happy for your to be financially disadvantaged and he refuses to have a joint account. Also, him not looking after his own child on his days off is shocking IMO. I couldn't move past this.

Well I call that a lucky escape. Another awful man.

Keep your independence and tell him to go.

I’m not berating, I just cannot fathom how women sleepwalk into these grossly unfair financial situations
@PorpoiseWithPurpose I know, sorry, it's just I can see both sides, I've been the naïve person who just didnt see the red flags for what they were
predators select victims whom they sense will be easy marks for them, the victim cant see it when they are in the midst of it....imo

@Sarahlll
I mean didn't you discuss this with him before getting pregnant even???

My view is he's selfish and unrealistic and id LTB if it was me and send him a request for child maintenance

Do not give up your job and become reliant on him

100% bell end. Run

What the hell kind of madness is this?

Your child is your join child! So obviously childcare is a joint expense as you’re equally responsible for caring for them.

You can’t rely on him to support you as you aren’t married, end of.

So you both have to work, and both have to pay for childcare to enable this.

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work.

This is easily dealt with. if he doesn’t want to pay half nursery cost then he stays home half the time and has baby instead. It’s his decision whether to do this or not as the baby is his as well as yours to look after. If not happy going part time after he has had a baby, he needs to fork out in lieu. Problem solved.

Yes this in spades

you tell him it’s a joint expense or he leaves. Go big and go first. You’re not trapping him, this was a joint decision and is a joint responsibility

if he’s not going to support you in this, he can leave.

So apart from anything else, he’d rather you gave up work and went on benefits, just so he doesn’t have to pay nursery bills, which is only for a few short years.?? .. right…
Does he realise that you may not even qualify for benefits and also that as a couple you’d be financially worse off?..
What absolute fuckwittery..

So her pension is worth loosing?
When/if she finally returns to work unless she’s fucking lucky she won’t be able to walk back into her current role.

depending on her current job she may have professional fees to pay yearly.
In work training to keep up with whatever changes.

On a lesser income it would be possible for him to make a claim on her house.

Just a couple of reasons why it’s a bad idea for anyone to give up their financial independence, earning potential and future retirement fund

All because some wanker thinks he shouldn’t be contributing to expenses.

@Slv199 I hope you are planning to force changes or leave as well. You deserve an equal relationship.

Why do men do this sort of thing?
I think it's driven by resentment, that she is spending time investing in herself rather than doing his bidding, and he cant bring himself to support anything which might reduce his power over her, her career/earning capacity is a significant threat to that.
Obviously most men are decent and there are [a minority of] women who also behave in these ways, but a significant amount of men seem easily triggered into predatory/controlling behaviour...or so it seems to me

Why do men do this sort of thing?

I think the vast majority of them who do shit like this are fully prepared to risk losing their children and are gambling on the fact the vast majority of women are not

The OP could call her partners bluff by saying that if he doesn't pay half for childcare she will walk out and let him sort out the entirety of childcare and she will have their child one night a week and every other weekend. But understandably she probably won't because she doesn't want to risk going through with it

But men like this, are fully prepared to risk having no/low contact with their children on the offchance it works and they can get what they want, which usually ends up being a full time parent to their child, housekeeper, someone they berate if they don't get sex when they want it, and someone they can financially control.

They know full well if they lose all contact with the child they will just use the 'my ex is a psycho bitch who took my children away from me and I can't afford to fight her' line, whilst doing their best to avoid paying child support

I'm pretty sure there would be a cross over in a Venn diagram with the other delightful subsection of men we hear about regularly on here who have unprotected sex and then if the woman gets pregnant 100% blame it on her as if she can somehow eject their sperm and actively chose not to

@deeperthanallroses aw thanks. Currently attempting to get divorced. Though he’s refusing to move out. DD just told me he said it’s better for her and DS if we all live together.