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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member wants presents for all the children

318 replies

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 09:53

I have a family member that has 6 children. Every year she expects that she will buy for my 3 and I will buy for her 6. We have tried in the last few years to stop this but she is refuses.
We have suggested that we take the kids out for a special day near Christmas and make it a tradition to do this, or else but one larger family present.

The budget is about €10/15 per child. As they are getting older it is much more difficult to buy anything decent for this amount so I end up spending more. Every year we end up receiving and buying plastic tat for the children. Its a waste of money and so bad for the planet.
She is very much into Christmas and birthdays and thinks its very important to buy each child a present. I honestly cant think of a single present for them as they are just into computer games. They dont read, play board games, sports, etc.
I am at a loss, does anyone have any suggestions please?

I dont want to offend her, she is already pi**ed as us for forgetting one of her kids birthdays earlier this year so dont want to rock the boat anymore.

OP posts:
pollymere · 04/12/2022 18:25

She is spending €30-45 on yours. I would plan to spend the same by looking at 50% off deals or looking for as new items on marketplace or in charity shops. What you actually pay and what it seems you spent don't need to match.

milkandchocolat · 04/12/2022 18:27

I have a family member like this. I have learnt to just ask her exactly what her children want now which certainly has made it easier.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 04/12/2022 18:27

what ages are the DC?
agree that it's nice to get them all some personal chocolate
and for a group gift, why not something they wouldn't otherwise have - if they spend all their time playing on computers it'd be good for them to do something more active than going to the cinema - what about a Swingball set for the garden? (£25 incl bats - should last for years - most kids love it)

Summerfun54321 · 04/12/2022 18:27

Can anyone actually remember the meaning of Christmas anymore? Or have we all just drowned in the consumerism of it all? Give them all a card and say you’ve donated ** amount each to children who have nothing and are in need this Christmas.

Luckyducker · 04/12/2022 18:32

Nobody can tell somebody that they must buy each of their children a Christmas present. This is even worse when there are 6 children in their family. I'd either stop buying them anything, give them a tenner each or buy a group present.

whynotwhatknot · 04/12/2022 18:34

just give them a tenner each or something-i dont have dc but my newphews and neices -i know its harder when youve got your own kids but its not their fault really

Grrrrdarling · 04/12/2022 18:36

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 09:53

I have a family member that has 6 children. Every year she expects that she will buy for my 3 and I will buy for her 6. We have tried in the last few years to stop this but she is refuses.
We have suggested that we take the kids out for a special day near Christmas and make it a tradition to do this, or else but one larger family present.

The budget is about €10/15 per child. As they are getting older it is much more difficult to buy anything decent for this amount so I end up spending more. Every year we end up receiving and buying plastic tat for the children. Its a waste of money and so bad for the planet.
She is very much into Christmas and birthdays and thinks its very important to buy each child a present. I honestly cant think of a single present for them as they are just into computer games. They dont read, play board games, sports, etc.
I am at a loss, does anyone have any suggestions please?

I dont want to offend her, she is already pi**ed as us for forgetting one of her kids birthdays earlier this year so dont want to rock the boat anymore.

YANBU. Personally I would just give each child £10 or £15 cash or a voucher of a shop they like. All 4 one is a great one or Smyths is a good one for toys.
If she complains that is her problem. I’d tell
her straight that i can’t afford anymore & explain that your kids would be very happy to receive that as a gift.
If you aren’t given any ideas of what to get the children, within that budget, you have to made an executive decision & this way the kids can put the money towards something they want or need instead of filling the house with plastic tat or unwanted gifts.

As for forgetting the birthday I am awful for doing that so I am always forgiving when people miss dates. It happens.
I suffer with fibromyalgia & the brain fog side of it is super bad for me so if no-one, they know about my memory impairment, reminds me a birthday is coming up 9/10 I forget.
I even have reminders on my phone & 3 calendars but still forget 😝

BobbyBobbyBobby · 04/12/2022 18:36

Get a backbone and either buy nothing and return her gifts before your children see them or just buy small token gifts or one family gift for them all.

Wrinklydinkly · 04/12/2022 18:37

This is an awful situation to be in. You must put your foot down and say no more. Ask her if she's noticed the cost of living crisis. Don't feel guilty, she's mugging you off. Happy Christmas op.

NegroniLover · 04/12/2022 18:41

I would give a £10 book token or a pj set from primark.
I also used to buy a friends kids a nice t-shirt in H&M each year with age appropriate design - v cheap. And maybe a selection box
Keep it simple

Sennelier1 · 04/12/2022 18:45

YANBU. My go-to present for children of all ages is a set of pencils-crayons-pens-brushes (depending on their age and ability). Not very original, bit you have a choice on how much to spend on it (artist-material or toystore) and it's never a total waste as everybody needs something to write with.

ohmyohmy123 · 04/12/2022 18:45

I would buy a tub of sweets each and some fluffy socks.

They will either appreciate the gifts or tell you not to bother next year!

Toria33 · 04/12/2022 18:48

Some could consider 3 a lot to buy for family is family, gift vouchers for certain things like Xbox or steam if into games, but don’t go over limits. We have a massive family over 18s only get cards unless siblings /parents/grandparents. Some of my aunts didn’t have children but still gifted to put in perspective parents both one of 5 most have children, some 3 most 2 odd ones and some none. Yes 6 is a lot but it’s kids and family but if their like 20 years old yup time to stop their not babies

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 04/12/2022 18:48

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:14

Family cinema voucher is a great idea too, they love the cinema or maybe I will just organise to bring them with my children for the day out

I think that’s a good idea. Better than some plastic tat.

GettingStuffed · 04/12/2022 18:49

Get them a tin of sweets each

cherish123 · 04/12/2022 18:52

The budget should be the same for the total number of children,not per child.
So if she spends £30 - you have 3 children so £10 per child.
You would spend the same and divide by 6 so £5each. Although, I don't know what you can get for £5. It's not your fault she has 6 kids!

Plunger · 04/12/2022 18:57

£10 Amazon voucher

SoCalledManHatingFeminist · 04/12/2022 18:59

She is being unreasonable. But as a gaming nerd, if you still feel pressured, I suggest at this point you just get them steam gift cards. That way you can choose the amount. If they complain that it’s not enough money tell them they can use it to buy DLC content.

daisy46 · 04/12/2022 19:04

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:14

Family cinema voucher is a great idea too, they love the cinema or maybe I will just organise to bring them with my children for the day out

This is a great idea. Or 1 gift for the family. A board game, tickets to an event, etc.

Merryclaire · 04/12/2022 19:06

Tell her (don’t ask her) that the budget for each child is now £5 and just get them some chocolates - eg a chocolate santa or box of celebrations each. I’m sure they’ll be happy with that, it’s not their main present!

I feel your pain though as we have 12 nieces and nephews to buy for.

On my side of the family we only buy for the children now, but the in-laws still like to do presents for adults. I’ve suggested a secret Santa but no one else fancies it.

XingMing · 04/12/2022 19:18

A small value token to the same value as your family. I faced the same issue with DsiL, who had 3 kids, and we had one.

HelloDaisy · 04/12/2022 19:22

Aprilx · 03/12/2022 09:58

Well we have four nieces and nephews but don’t have any children ourselves. So it is always a one way street and we don’t mind, they exist and we are happy to buy for them regardless of it not being a one gift for one gift exchange scenario.

Ours are teens now and we go for vouchers, which I would never get for an adult but I think suits teenagers.

My db doesn’t have any children but always get for my dc.
They get him lovely presents too which used to be small according to pocket money, or home made, but more now they are earning.

BatsAtHome · 04/12/2022 19:25

I'm torn here. I do agree with those who have said you need to put your foot down and just tell her you are only buying for immediate family this year, there is a cost of living crisis and her response is her own problem.
However, you have left it too late this year for that I think.
An even bigger however, you say they are lovely children and they are your nieces/nephews who you seem to have a nice relationship with.
I would enjoy picking out thoughtful, individual gifts that are as planet friendly as possible. It would be good to pick out things as you see them through the year, in the sales etc. Spend £8 per child.
Pair of socks with favourite animal/design on
Small toy
Book they'll love
Bath bomb
Plus, bag of sweets or chocolate bar

MeridianB · 04/12/2022 19:26

She sounds horribly bossy and grabby. You really don’t need to play this game.

A voucher or joint cinema gift card if you can afford it. Not sure of age range.

B1993 · 04/12/2022 19:29

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/12/2022 09:55

Could you put that £15 per child into a cinema gift voucher? So she could take them cinema?

Then say after gifting later down the line "next year we'll just be doing birthdays for the kids, it was such a struggle to know what to get them this year and with the prices of everything rising...." Wink

I think a cinema voucher is a great shout! The kids will love being able to watch a film but isn't over budget.

That, or just ignore what she says and get a family present they can all enjoy. A Disney Plus subscription might work well if they don't have this. I'm sure it'll be appreciated by the whole family and is only £60 for the year so at the bottom end of your budget.