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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member wants presents for all the children

318 replies

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 09:53

I have a family member that has 6 children. Every year she expects that she will buy for my 3 and I will buy for her 6. We have tried in the last few years to stop this but she is refuses.
We have suggested that we take the kids out for a special day near Christmas and make it a tradition to do this, or else but one larger family present.

The budget is about €10/15 per child. As they are getting older it is much more difficult to buy anything decent for this amount so I end up spending more. Every year we end up receiving and buying plastic tat for the children. Its a waste of money and so bad for the planet.
She is very much into Christmas and birthdays and thinks its very important to buy each child a present. I honestly cant think of a single present for them as they are just into computer games. They dont read, play board games, sports, etc.
I am at a loss, does anyone have any suggestions please?

I dont want to offend her, she is already pi**ed as us for forgetting one of her kids birthdays earlier this year so dont want to rock the boat anymore.

OP posts:
B1993 · 04/12/2022 19:31

I also agree that after gifting this year, you need to be firm and say that you won't be doing gifts next year.

anotherscroller · 04/12/2022 19:31

I really like the cinema voucher idea. Going to the cinema is so fun but it costs a bucket if you’re a big family.

Taillighttoobright · 04/12/2022 19:33

Tatws · 04/12/2022 18:01

Tell her you spent £60 on planting a tree to carbon offset the carbon emissions of her large family.

Oh this. Please, OP; this ^

Wrongsideofpennines · 04/12/2022 19:38

Cinema voucher is a great idea. Or you could do a hamper for them. A couple of card games/board games, their favourite sweets, popcorn, hot chocolate. It wouldn't add up to much but would be a bit different and something they can enjoy together.

hyder · 04/12/2022 19:44

I suggest an age appropriate book and some chocolate each, make it a tradition and stick to it every year! You can pick up books for about a fiver on amazon!

Han99 · 04/12/2022 19:44

This year we've got family friends a voucher for the cinema (local independent one so a bit more thought went it) and a box full of sweets/popcorn to take with them. They have a few kids and couldn't afford a family cinema trip normally.

MrsG31811 · 04/12/2022 19:46

Depending on how many children are in your family, could you perhaps organise a secret santa? This is what we do on my husband's side as there are so many of us, one for the kids and one for the adults..That way the kids aren't given a ton of presents that they won't play with but they all get something special and you will only be buying 3 gifts from your dc x

Havehope21 · 04/12/2022 19:46

what about some nice choccies - a big box of LINDOR or Hotel Chocolat?

Snoopystick · 04/12/2022 19:47

I’m a lazy sod so haven’t read all the suggestions but as there are 6 I would probably do the 3 for 2 at Boots on some smelly sets

ScruffMuffin · 04/12/2022 19:59

Stick a bit of money in a card, or buy something all six can use, e.g. a new computer game/ replacement controllers etc. They would all benefit and it wouldn't have to cost £60-100. Cinema gift card also good, which a PP suggested.

MrsMiddleMother · 04/12/2022 19:59

I'd do a selection box each and £5 in a Christmas card taped to the front with their name on.
Kids love A. Chocolate and B. Money. Even just £5 is a great thing as they can spend it on what they want

Justbefair · 04/12/2022 20:09

Selection box and a tenner. X

ScruffMuffin · 04/12/2022 20:11

Taking them to the cinema with their cousins is a lovely idea actually. You could put tickets in cards and give them popcorn wrapped up if you liked. I bet they would be so excited and remember it for ages. You don't need your sister/ SIL's permission. Just do it! The kids will love it.

AlexandraPeppernose · 04/12/2022 20:17

I have 3vand their cousin is a only. They spend a tenner on each of mine and I spend 30 on theirs. We feel that is fair

Mybestyear · 04/12/2022 20:21

I am at a loss, does anyone have any suggestions please?

HRTFT. I suggest telling her to fuck right off! Refusing to stop this arrangement - you need to woman up OP and just say no.

My thinking is though that she may try to call your bluff and give your DC stuff to show you up as a meanie/no fun etc. so have something handy just in case - money in a card if you can stretch to it or even just a biggish bag of sweets/bar of chocolate - or maybe even a shower gel/deodorant combo. personally if she did this I’d front it out and say “sorry DC, I’d discussed with Family Member that we wouldn’t be doing individual presents any more so I’ve not got you anything. Here’s a tenner to get yourself something for this year.” It’s up to you if you want to add more detail eg your getting older/cost of living crisis/presents for DC your age are too expensive etc.

I hate it when people do this. I told my nephews I’d be stopping individual presents (including birthdays) as their DC have so much crap and instead I give them a decent amount “for the family” at Christmas and they can do what they want with it - I think they mainly save it for the DC cos like I say, they’ve got more than they need.

let us know how you get on.

TaysideTeuchter · 04/12/2022 20:28

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 04/12/2022 17:59

Christmas is about the birth of Christ and without sounding too preachy, why are parents subjected to the tyranny of having to buy meaningless tatt (and being judged for it) by others, because ‘they love Christmas’. It’s such a distortion of the spirit of Christmas. Just be honest with the Tiger mother and say ‘I don’t want more than a token gesture for the kids and ideally we’d like a charity present so that the kids learn the true spirit of Christmas’. If she objects …stick to your guns. She can buy her darlings whatever takes her fancy.

'Christmas is about the birth of Christ'

The pagans would like to have a word with you...

Agree the commercialization is out of control.

Oneruleforone · 04/12/2022 20:29

ShandaLear · 03/12/2022 10:27

Get them a big Toblerone each. They’re about £3.50 in Home Bargains. Seriously. They will LOVE a big Toblerone far more than any plastic tat.

Actually Home Bargains is great for buying gifts and you could definitely get them all something for less than a tenner!

Nancydrawn · 04/12/2022 20:30

I know this sounds petty, but it's really worrisome that none of the six children read.

I mean, I assume they're literate. But how utterly depressing that she's brought up six kids and none of them would enjoy a book.

mandlerparr · 04/12/2022 20:34

If you bake, make them cookies or something. If you don't, make a little gift. Fill a mug or cup with chocolates or candy, wrap a tissue around it. Get them a few cheap items that are usable like body sprays or cheap candles. Get them a group gift for Christmas, like 6 months of a streaming service they don't have. Most kids don't have any problem getting gifts they can eat or use. It is not up to you to get that present they really want; it is up to the parents. If the parents hold up their end, the kids should have no problem with small gifts from relatives. And all need to stop worrying about who has to buy more items than someone else. Why do they need to know how much you spent? I think people forget that when gift limits are set it is supposed to be an amount you don't go over, not an amount you have to spend. Just do your best to tailor the gift to each child and keep in mind that most kids would love a bag of goodies to eat.

17caterpillars1mouse · 04/12/2022 20:45

I would just go with a pair of pyjamas each or a character t-shirt at least then you know they will get used

earsup · 04/12/2022 20:48

Large box of nice chocs for all of them.....i only buy for 2 friends.....dont need any more tat or crap gifts in my world....I have a childish rich friend who buys me a mountain of unwanted and unsuitable stuff each year....its a bin bag full of childrens board games etc....all useless....i donate the lot to local food bank...i get her some fresh flowers each year....!!

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 04/12/2022 20:50

Same as others on M/N I put £10 in each of my neice and nephews cards and wrap in Christmas paper, unless they are very young then I get them a present (under 7) I don't ask the parents what to get them as that leads to more trouble for me and becomes more expensive. The kids like it as they can save it up with other Christmas money they get.

AmmarettoSours · 04/12/2022 20:52

A day out or group voucher for something they like sounds like a great idea!
Let her get pissy all she likes

This is why in my family we only buy for our own dc. I'm one of 6, each sibling has 3/4 dc each and now several of the dc have there own dc. If we tried to buy for everyone every year we would go bankrupt!

BlueMongoose · 04/12/2022 20:54

She can 'refuse' all she likes. I'd do what you thought was right ad fair, she would just have to suck it up. If she won't sit down with you and come to a sensible and fair arrangement you can both afford, she and her kids will just have to get what they're given, like it or not.
We have no kids, and we always get presents for nephews and nieces. For me, gift giving is not really a question of everyone spending the same, or all the kids getting the same. Gifts are voluntary expressions of what you wish to give, within the resources you have. They should not be bargaining counters. Sometimes I give an expensive present because it's just right for the person, sometimes a cheap one for the same reason. To keep it feeling fair to the kids, we try to keep things evened up during the year within each family- if someone gets a more expensive birthday present than a sibling, they get a smaller Christmas one to make up for it. None of their parents have ever been ungrateful in any way either.

FancyFanny · 04/12/2022 21:10

I feel your pain. We have one child, all our friends/family have at least 2, 3 and even 4 children. So our dd gets around 6 gifts and we have to buy around 16 children gifts. It's not really fair. I wouldn't really mind if families with four children gave dd a better gift- but in general they don't.