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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family member wants presents for all the children

318 replies

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 09:53

I have a family member that has 6 children. Every year she expects that she will buy for my 3 and I will buy for her 6. We have tried in the last few years to stop this but she is refuses.
We have suggested that we take the kids out for a special day near Christmas and make it a tradition to do this, or else but one larger family present.

The budget is about €10/15 per child. As they are getting older it is much more difficult to buy anything decent for this amount so I end up spending more. Every year we end up receiving and buying plastic tat for the children. Its a waste of money and so bad for the planet.
She is very much into Christmas and birthdays and thinks its very important to buy each child a present. I honestly cant think of a single present for them as they are just into computer games. They dont read, play board games, sports, etc.
I am at a loss, does anyone have any suggestions please?

I dont want to offend her, she is already pi**ed as us for forgetting one of her kids birthdays earlier this year so dont want to rock the boat anymore.

OP posts:
MrsWeasley · 04/12/2022 21:10

I think I’d buy a family ticket for the four children to go to cinema or bowling or laser tag (or similar -trampoline park etc) and then a selection box each. I wouldn’t pay for the adult tickets though.

or I’d buy them a good popular book each or a book token. Could it be that they don’t read because they haven’t got any books that interest them.

or a joint gift of a selection of nice colouring pens and pencils

blackpearwhitelilies · 04/12/2022 21:15

Buy each child a book and a bar of chocolate - that’s 10 or 11 quid and a nice present.

Learnsometjingeveryday · 04/12/2022 21:29

We have decided this year we aren't buying kids presents and habe told all family not not buy ours , now in our situation we would be the ones getting less as have 4 kids 2 will also be 16 xmas eve and one will be 12 on the 28th ,but i think with that we are spending enough and everything has gone up ,my partner wants to still buy for hes sisters kids( she isnt only family member with kids) and have her over but told her not to buy for our kids ,i said toy DP how id that right they sit opening gifts but your sister gets ours nothing ,even though her and her DP earn more ,have less to pay out but can not budget and are always skint and lending money , its stupid , i could do a post of my own !! . ..but for u i would say lets not buy for each others this year or agree on a set amount regardless of children and let the parent choose something their kids will like they will see its not so easy when its half the amount they spend !

LaughingCat · 04/12/2022 21:30

Cash! There’s an age you hit where cash in a card from your aunties and uncles (and maybe a chocolate selection box on the side to unwrap) is literally the best present. If the kids are gaming on Xbox or Playstation, maybe it’s a Store voucher for whichever platform or something similar so they can save up for their own game (or even club together with their vouchers if they want to buy the same one).

Harsh that she has six kids so you spend double but them’s the breaks. If my OH and I do have a kid, it will always be one of ours vs the three my SIL/BIL have…but that won’t bother us. We’ll still buy them something every year. But it will, in the next few years, move to cash in a card!

Sushi7 · 04/12/2022 21:46

AlexandraPeppernose · 04/12/2022 20:17

I have 3vand their cousin is a only. They spend a tenner on each of mine and I spend 30 on theirs. We feel that is fair

This is how it should be!

Greenshed · 04/12/2022 21:47

Time to stop, in my opinion. There’s far too much emotional blackmail goes on at Christmas.

T1Dmama · 04/12/2022 21:59

This drives me mad!! After fertility issues I only have one child, my friends and siblings all have 2…. So while everyone spends a set amount on my daughter, I spend double….
As kids are getting older they’re all harder to buy for… personally I’d buy them a family ticket to the cinema… or Amazon vouchers each. If she isn’t happy with that tell her you will gift what you feel appropriate, and as you’re buying for 6 it’s easier to buy vouchers etc so they can save for something they actually want…
Someone can’t insist you gift for their children then whine about what you chose to spend your money on!
As kids my uncle always got us vouchers… we loved a trip to town to spend them on something we really wanted x

Peachy2005 · 04/12/2022 22:05

@FancyFanny tell all your friends “we are just doing cards not gifts anymore”. There’s no need to be stuck in this trap with friends as well as family!! I bet loads of them will be relieved. At least warn them for next year if you’ve already bought your 16 gifts and can’t return any…

T1Dmama · 04/12/2022 22:24

How old are they? Could you buy something useful that won’t be thrown to the side the next day… toiletries… sweets… food?
vouchers

Pinkfluff76 · 04/12/2022 22:40

Why are you scared of offending her when her behaviour is offensive…

Merlin3189 · 04/12/2022 23:03

Somebody has to have sense and be responsible - seems that's you.

If you really want presents both ways, agree that she buys for her kids and labels it from you, and you buy for your kids and label it from her. After all, you both know your own kids best.

lornesausage20 · 04/12/2022 23:31

YANBU ultimately. Something I really used to love doing was Operation Christmas Child shoebox appeals. I used to go with my mum and pick out presents to put in it. This is something you could do as a day out with all of your children and then take them home for hot chocolate, a Christmas film and then fill up the shoeboxes/bags. If not OCC then there will be loads of local appeals. I think giving for givings sake is stupid. At the end of the day, do any of us need any of this?

stevec711 · 04/12/2022 23:40

Unless you stop being scared to rock the boat, things will never change.

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 04/12/2022 23:43

lornesausage20 · 04/12/2022 23:31

YANBU ultimately. Something I really used to love doing was Operation Christmas Child shoebox appeals. I used to go with my mum and pick out presents to put in it. This is something you could do as a day out with all of your children and then take them home for hot chocolate, a Christmas film and then fill up the shoeboxes/bags. If not OCC then there will be loads of local appeals. I think giving for givings sake is stupid. At the end of the day, do any of us need any of this?

If ever there were an activity not to be encouraged

have you not seen any of the info about the organisation behind it?

lornesausage20 · 04/12/2022 23:50

Yeah I was looking into the shady goings on of a charity aged 6.

That's why I said "if not OCC" there will be loads of appeals locally 👍

Looby57 · 05/12/2022 01:26

She sounds a nitemare

Looby57 · 05/12/2022 01:30

Give them family planning advice 😂😂😂

Dotcomma · 05/12/2022 02:01

Buy the kids some smellies for bath & some chocolate.

My sister has 4 kids & I gave them money, token amount prob £5 each, youngest is now early 30s. I have 1 child who is 14 years younger & she gets £10 spent on her by my sister. I'd never thought about the disparity before I read this thread.

kiwigeekmum · 05/12/2022 04:13

Honestly I think you're being a bit mean-spirited, although I can see I'm in the minority.

My brother has 5 kids, I have 2. We still buy for all his kids, no worries. Conversely, my SIL has no kids and still buys for our two. Families come in all shapes and sizes, why should the kids be punished?

I think the key is that YOU end up going over your budget and then feel frustrated about it. Reduce your budget to an amount that you're happy with, and STICK to it. As pp have mentioned, a 10quid voucher in a card is perfectly acceptable - older kids would prefer that anyway. Or buy them something cheaper. You don't need to blow your budget.

poefaced · 05/12/2022 05:01

Opting out of presents exchange is not ‘punishing kids’, the kids will receive presents from their parents. It’s not up to other people to ensure your kids have lots of things to open.

Kitkatcatflap · 05/12/2022 06:05

kiwigeekmum · 05/12/2022 04:13

Honestly I think you're being a bit mean-spirited, although I can see I'm in the minority.

My brother has 5 kids, I have 2. We still buy for all his kids, no worries. Conversely, my SIL has no kids and still buys for our two. Families come in all shapes and sizes, why should the kids be punished?

I think the key is that YOU end up going over your budget and then feel frustrated about it. Reduce your budget to an amount that you're happy with, and STICK to it. As pp have mentioned, a 10quid voucher in a card is perfectly acceptable - older kids would prefer that anyway. Or buy them something cheaper. You don't need to blow your budget.

Be interesting to what your childless SIL really thinks about the 'acceptable' £10 in a card for the combined 7 kids. But doubtless you and your brother make it up her show your appreciation with a thoughtful well chosen gift.

RoachPussy · 05/12/2022 06:27

I have 2 DC, my older brother 1, younger brother 2, BIL 1. Their ages 23, 21, 23, 28, 26, 13. I buy for all my nieces and nephews and have always spent a little extra on the only children as I’m aware their parents were buying for 2. My younger brother stopped buying for his nieces and nephews once they turned 18 which is fine. My personal view in regards to my gift giving is that they’re my nieces and nephews, I love them all like my own and I will always get them a gift for Christmas. OP you want to get them something which is lovely, don’t be dictated to by your SIL regarding the gift.

xmaswiththeinlaws · 05/12/2022 07:39

I feel your pain, we have 2 and my brother has 5, but then we have my husband's family (he has 6 siblings who have 8 kids between them so far). We don't do presents with his side of the family unless we are seeing them as they all live abroad so we all agreed it's a faff.
I have been giving DBs kids a tenner in a card and something small for the past few years as I got fed up with seeing their presents on Ebay within a week or having to witness the meltdown of one of the kids getting something he didn't like and having had to open it in front of us. I struggle with the youngest as he's still quite small and has LDs so I'm not sure he understands the concept of money so I try to get him something instead, trouble is we don't see him much so struggle to know what he'd want.
Invariably they get random stuff for our kids every year. DS usually does ok as they have boys but DD has had some odd things, not always age appropriate or just not her. I'd love to agree not to do presents.

OffToJoinTheCircus · 05/12/2022 08:20

We have 3 nieces (to our one ds). They are now all in their 20's. We never give to receive, but it does feel uneven.
Since their teens we have gone for a voucher of £10/15 and one of those tubes of sweets - smarties, rolos, etc..
As they are given before Christmas, as we don't see them on Christmas day, they love having the tubes of sweets to open and eat as breakfast - they still do!!
I would suggest a card with a voucher or cash and then something little - say a selection box - that they can open.

liarliarshortsonfire · 05/12/2022 08:30

I agreed with my brother and friends this year that we'd opt out of buying presents for the dc due to increasing costs. We agreed to do something, like a cinema trip, or a day trip out instead. This year we've decided to go to a light show at our local park, and treat all the dc to hot chocolate instead. The dc are really excited.