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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member wants presents for all the children

318 replies

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 09:53

I have a family member that has 6 children. Every year she expects that she will buy for my 3 and I will buy for her 6. We have tried in the last few years to stop this but she is refuses.
We have suggested that we take the kids out for a special day near Christmas and make it a tradition to do this, or else but one larger family present.

The budget is about €10/15 per child. As they are getting older it is much more difficult to buy anything decent for this amount so I end up spending more. Every year we end up receiving and buying plastic tat for the children. Its a waste of money and so bad for the planet.
She is very much into Christmas and birthdays and thinks its very important to buy each child a present. I honestly cant think of a single present for them as they are just into computer games. They dont read, play board games, sports, etc.
I am at a loss, does anyone have any suggestions please?

I dont want to offend her, she is already pi**ed as us for forgetting one of her kids birthdays earlier this year so dont want to rock the boat anymore.

OP posts:
whataboutya · 03/12/2022 10:04

Vouchers.

It's not the children's fault that their parents had so many kids, it's a shame they'd miss out on a Xmas gift from their aunt (or whatever the relation is)

Actually, what relation they are is important. If they are nieces and nephews then yes get them a voucher/cash. If they are cousins kids then I don't think gifts are necessary so my answer is dependent on that.

barneymcgroo · 03/12/2022 10:04

My DB has 5 kids. I told him that after 3 I'd be buying a joint present...
I don't actually do that, usually get them a small something each (books) and then maybe a family board game or something.

Original poster
Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:04

We have been trying to stop this for years and she just keeps saying “well im buying present for all of your children”. I cant have the poor little six faces looking at me expectantly. They are lovely children and I dont mind buying them something or the fact that we spend more as she has double the children, its the fact we can only buy crap for that money that I know gets thrown in the corner a day later. Id much rather one large present or a day out.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 03/12/2022 10:05

Yabu.

Every year she expects that she will buy for my 3 and I will buy for her 6. We have tried in the last few years to stop this but she is refuses.

This isnt for her to dictate. You tell her 'this is my budget and this is what I am doing'. As a gift receiver she can like it or lump it.

The control and decision is in your hands or you can choose to be a doormat and mug.

SemperIdem · 03/12/2022 10:05

You need to manage your tendency to feel unnecessarily guilty here and just stop buying presents.

6 kids is bloody loads to buy for!

lifeinthehills · 03/12/2022 10:06

You need to stick to your budget. If that means a fiver in an envelope, a cheap book, some stickers, a small voucher, a sweet treat, a shirt, you do that. You don't have to spend more than you can afford. If there's an issue with that, I'd just say that's it, no more gifts. But that's me.

Original poster
Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:07

They are nieces and nephews, its not her though its the fact the children have the expectation as they know they bought presents for mine and will expect a present each in return. I dont want to let them down, as I said they are really lovely children.

OP posts:
VisitingThem · 03/12/2022 10:07

Cash or gift vouchers then.

Sushi7 · 03/12/2022 10:07

DrMarciaFieldstone · 03/12/2022 10:00

Just halve the budget for her kids so you spend the same. She’s a CF.

Agreed! OP spends £60-90 because the family member has 6 dc. Meanwhile the fm spends £30 on OP’s dc because she only has 3.

NadjaCravensworth · 03/12/2022 10:08

You're an adult.
Just tell her, no presents this year.

If she gives you presents say thank you but we agreed not to do presents moving forward. She'll get the message

Allsnotwell · 03/12/2022 10:11

We have been trying to stop this for years and she just keeps saying “well im buying present for all of your children”.

Then you say ‘well I can’t afford it’

Or you say ‘kids gets your coats were going to see the new movie!’

Job done

ScrambledOrPoached · 03/12/2022 10:11

I stopped all this bollocks years ago for the reasons you have given. I’m past caring if they’re offended, giving for the sake of giving is pointless and I’d had enough of thoughtless shitty gifts arriving (and being sent!).

TrixJax · 03/12/2022 10:12

Just give them £10 in a card each and tell everyone this is last year you're doing it as you can't afford it anymore. Make sure you repeat from October onwards so there's no expectation next year.
Surely anyone with 6 children realised how expensive this is to buy for all 6!

Original poster
Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:12

Thanks I think I will go with vouchers, at least the kids get something and can buy something they like.

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 03/12/2022 10:12

six children?
and she insists?
i would get a family cinema voucher
or clothes

MzHz · 03/12/2022 10:12

What everyone says… just tell her. Don’t ask her permission

”we’re not buying presents for anyone other than ourselves this year. It’s just too much and I’d far rather pay for something we can do together than just buy more stuff that ends up in landfill”

”oh but we’ve already bought your kid’s presents..”

(probably have not)

“I understand, and I’m sure they are lovely, so feel free to gift to someone else, and we’ll plan something for when we’re together next.”

be firm. She’s bullying you to buy stuff you don’t want to buy and actually the recipients don’t want either.

dementedpixie · 03/12/2022 10:13

£10/15 in a gift wallet thing
It's what I do for my SILs 6 kids

crussont · 03/12/2022 10:13

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:04

We have been trying to stop this for years and she just keeps saying “well im buying present for all of your children”. I cant have the poor little six faces looking at me expectantly. They are lovely children and I dont mind buying them something or the fact that we spend more as she has double the children, its the fact we can only buy crap for that money that I know gets thrown in the corner a day later. Id much rather one large present or a day out.

If you are willing to spend the same on hers as she is on yours then split the amount she spends on yours between her kids in the form of vouchers or one big voucher for them all to share.

Original poster
Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:14

Family cinema voucher is a great idea too, they love the cinema or maybe I will just organise to bring them with my children for the day out

OP posts:
Athenen0ctua · 03/12/2022 10:14

Do you buy for any other nieces or nephews? If so, I would treat all the same regardless of how many siblings they have. Other than that, I'd see it as my decision how much I spent or who I bought for. You could buy a decent token gift for less than what you are spending.

MilkyYay · 03/12/2022 10:16

Tell her you can't afford that budget per child & it needs to reduce.
Buy them a book each or a selection box of chocolate.

Other things you can usually get for more like £7-8 each:

  • galt kit boxes
Lego mini bags Packs of pens/crayons etc Card games/orchard games

Amazon or itunes cards for older ones.

MistletoeandBaileys · 03/12/2022 10:16

Do all six play PlayStation or XBox? I was thinking buy then points for the XBox or something. Can buy them online and don’t even need to spend that much on them. €10 each.

Why is she insisting on it? Kids in my family when they get out of the baby stage I buy them vouchers for the toy shop. It usually helps towards the Lego sets that Santa brings but didn’t have enough room in the sleigh for the rest of it!

Runnerduck34 · 03/12/2022 10:19

If they are nieces/ nephews I would buy for them individually tbh.
I dont think the I've got 3 kids and you've got 6 so it's not fair I have to spend more is reasonable in this instance, they are all individuals and deserve a Xmas present regardless of how many siblings they have, in fact it might be even more important to them.
It's seems a bit mean to resent buying them all a gift tbh.
It's fine to stick to a £15 budget per gift if that's what you can afford.
Ask for ideas within this range, bath bombs, pyjamas, books, games etc. It should be possible to buy a gift for £15.

Poppyblush · 03/12/2022 10:21

You need to stick to exactly the same budget as she spending on your kids she’s never gonna relent.

crussont · 03/12/2022 10:22

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 10:14

Family cinema voucher is a great idea too, they love the cinema or maybe I will just organise to bring them with my children for the day out

I mean if you can do that I think that's an amazing gift