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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member wants presents for all the children

318 replies

Diorama1 · 03/12/2022 09:53

I have a family member that has 6 children. Every year she expects that she will buy for my 3 and I will buy for her 6. We have tried in the last few years to stop this but she is refuses.
We have suggested that we take the kids out for a special day near Christmas and make it a tradition to do this, or else but one larger family present.

The budget is about €10/15 per child. As they are getting older it is much more difficult to buy anything decent for this amount so I end up spending more. Every year we end up receiving and buying plastic tat for the children. Its a waste of money and so bad for the planet.
She is very much into Christmas and birthdays and thinks its very important to buy each child a present. I honestly cant think of a single present for them as they are just into computer games. They dont read, play board games, sports, etc.
I am at a loss, does anyone have any suggestions please?

I dont want to offend her, she is already pi**ed as us for forgetting one of her kids birthdays earlier this year so dont want to rock the boat anymore.

OP posts:
SoundsOfThunder · 03/12/2022 11:53

Book and €5 each.

poefaced · 03/12/2022 11:53

This is a perfect year to stop, due to the cost of living crisis.

You don’t want more plastic tat.

So just tell her due to the cost of living crisis, you will not be doing presents anymore.

CulturePigeon · 03/12/2022 11:54

How unreasonable and demanding! I cannot imagine insisting on presents when someone has tried to honestly explain it will be difficult.

Definitely a tenner in each card, at most. Don't waste anymore worrying about it. If she protests, ask her if she's heard of the cost of living crisis on her travels.

Whiskyvodka · 03/12/2022 11:55

Do you see the dc on Christmas Day?
When my dd got a bit older but still had birthday parties I decided instead of doing party bags I would make a bran tub and each dc had a dip starting with the youngest.
The fun of doing this was more exciting than the actual gift.
So buy simple but ok gifts eg hair bobbles, lip salve, a chocolate orange, a matchbox car etc.
Wrap them all up individually into perhaps 12 gifts and use 6 different coloured wrappings.
Find a large box and fill with shredded paper and put the gifts in.
Allocate a colour to each dc and get them to dip in turns and to put back the gift not in their colour.
It will keep them occupied for a while and they won’t much care what they actually get.
They’ll remember the fun for ever though.

AnotherLogOnTheFire · 03/12/2022 12:01

Been through all this - had one sister in Australia who refused my suggestion that we stopped buying gifts - her kids apparently loved getting gifts from overseas - my kids didn't the stuff she sent was absolute tat. The rest of my siblings were relaxed about it. I had met her kids twice - no idea what they liked, even who they were, I pressed on and managed to quit buying and posting 16 presents overseas for nieces and nephews who didn't even acknowledge the gift with a thank you text. Honestly, there was no joy in giving - it was a massive chore, and if it caused upset it was worth it.

Mrsuntidy · 03/12/2022 12:10

My siblings have double the children I do but obviously I would buy all four.... YABU. If you can afford it though- get a huge movie hamper. Put together sweets, popcorn, drinks and a movie voucher (Amazon or something).

Willmafrockfit · 03/12/2022 12:11

i got the idea of a family cinema voucher and i refuse to believe that it isnt one of the Best ideas.
go for it

Wheatandchaffinch · 03/12/2022 12:12

I think in this case you just have to be firm and say ‘We will not be doing it at all this year’. If she still buys for your children so be it, but then as you’ve been spending £60+ every year and she has been spending half of that that only seems fair. Tell the kids you’ll take them out and just don’t do it.

If you keep giving in then she will just tell you every hears it’s happening. She’s bullying you, just don’t do it and the problem is solved.

skyeisthelimit · 03/12/2022 12:14

The control is in your hands, she can't physically make you spend money!

If money is an issue, you can go online, somewhere like Poundshop.com and put together a parcel for each child, 3-4 things for under £10 if you want. They have a parcel to open and you have spent less money.

They have branded items like Disney, perfume, makeup, toys, all sorts of things.

Claire's sell a lot of stuff reduced if you have little ones. The Works sell a lot of things for £2-£3.

There are lots of options out there to save a bit of money.

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2022 12:14

It is hard on kids from large families - there is obviously less money and hand me downs are more common rather getting things in their own right.

I think money or gift vouchers each is a good idea, so they have each had something. Or give money /vouchers to older ones and little toys for the younger.

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 03/12/2022 12:19

I suspect she’s using you to supplement her kids’ experience as she can’t afford it herself and thinks you must have more cash, what with “only” having 3. Seen this a lot in large families - a sense that everyone else needs to help with it because otherwise the kids they chose to have will go without. And it works because it’s emotive.

Cinema voucher or tenner in a card. Don’t spend a penny over your budget. You’re not the kids’ parent!

poefaced · 03/12/2022 12:19

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2022 12:14

It is hard on kids from large families - there is obviously less money and hand me downs are more common rather getting things in their own right.

I think money or gift vouchers each is a good idea, so they have each had something. Or give money /vouchers to older ones and little toys for the younger.

That’s not OP’s problem though, her family member shouldn’t have had 6 kids then. And I say that as the youngest of 6, in a poor family.

Mince314s · 03/12/2022 12:20

How old are they? Mine would be thrilled with a chocolate treasure hunt, clue each and have to find a decent sized lindt bear or similar.

Itsabitnotcold · 03/12/2022 12:23

Buy a family board game, couple of big bags of popcorn, big tub of chocolate, big tub of sweets. Wrap it all up as a family fun night for everyone. She can't demand or refuse anything you gift what you gift.

Gatehouse77 · 03/12/2022 12:24

I've done cinema token and a small bag of sweets to take with them.
Book token and a hot chocolate sachet and a Christmas biscuit.
This year it's a book token, a gonk and a strawberry cane cane.

Small, simple and something to unwrapped no need to go over budget.

RampantIvy · 03/12/2022 12:28

I think that at this late stage of the year it would be unfair to spring a no presents rule on this family. The discussion needs to be had straight after Christmas and at a few points during the year.

I agree it is unfair on the children, but the parents chose to have 6 children, and it is a big imposition on other family members to expect them to dig deep into their pockets every Christmas, especially now.

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 03/12/2022 12:29

I've got 5 and they'd always be happy with more chocolate!

Workawayxx · 03/12/2022 12:31

Yes definitely a cinema voucher and we gave each child a fiver each for sweets/popcorn if that’s in budget. Or cinema voucher plus Lidl chocolate reindeer if you want to give them something physical too.

DotDotaDash · 03/12/2022 12:35

Start them a cactus or succulent collection. One plant each add a couple of google eyes or a comedy nose 🤷‍♀️

Wiluli · 03/12/2022 12:35

That’s what you get when you start giving gifts just because you expect to receive , I give to family and friends who never buy us anything , it’s should not be about getting back . If you don’t what to buy stuff for them don’t buy , you should not be doing out if obligation but you should also never expect any back from anyone .

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2022 12:50

If you want to buy them one big present to share, do that. Your sister doesn’t get to dictate.

daisychain01 · 03/12/2022 12:50

She is very much into Christmas and birthdays and thinks its very important to buy each child a present.

But as it's your money, why does your opinion not count? What she thinks isn't the only opinion on this earth. Stick to your guns, she sounds self-absorbed.

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2022 12:50

poefaced · 03/12/2022 12:19

That’s not OP’s problem though, her family member shouldn’t have had 6 kids then. And I say that as the youngest of 6, in a poor family.

Show quote history

Well no it’s not the OPs problem - but these aren’t strangers, these children are part of her family. Some small for each and treat each child equally. Its not the kids fault.

StEval · 03/12/2022 12:51

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 03/12/2022 12:19

I suspect she’s using you to supplement her kids’ experience as she can’t afford it herself and thinks you must have more cash, what with “only” having 3. Seen this a lot in large families - a sense that everyone else needs to help with it because otherwise the kids they chose to have will go without. And it works because it’s emotive.

Cinema voucher or tenner in a card. Don’t spend a penny over your budget. You’re not the kids’ parent!

Absolutely this!
My Sil has 4 DC they can't afford and she was insistent they only needed new PJs and dressing gowns for Christmas.
I wondered why we never got any thank yous and found out she relabelled from her and Bil Hmm
Stopped that immediately and sent a gift basket each year, popcorn, cinema etc

getmesomewater · 03/12/2022 12:53

Me n my sister were doing this until I explained it was getting too expensive for me on a single parent wage, so I offered her a choice of birthdays or Xmas. So we do birthdays! They appreciate it more then, at Xmas then she still buys for mine but I jus get hers a small
Token gift. Like really cheap.
It's her choice then if she wants to spend a lot more on mine, as she knows the score. Can u do this ? X