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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

306 replies

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:17

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 02/12/2022 14:18

I think cancelling at that short notice is shitty. Surely you knew the venue more than two days before?

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

Damnautocorrect · 02/12/2022 14:19

Sounds sensible.
shitty to have to. But sensible.

Dd has a friends party next week, she’s a teen so has pay to attend the event, and pay for food, and get a present. I’d cancel it if I could.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 14:19

No, you shouldn’t go if you can’t afford it, and I imagine with Christmas coming up there are other places you want to put your money.

If your friend described a gathering in a restaurant as a dinner party, then that is misleading in terms of cost.

Orangepolentacake · 02/12/2022 14:20

Nah, that could easily costing around £300, you’re in a delicate financial situation.

never spend money you don’t have to keep up with appearances/appease people. Ignore the pp. you have a legitimate reason to cancel

Damnautocorrect · 02/12/2022 14:20

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

I’d understand my friend couldn’t afford it. I wouldn’t be pissed off.

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:20

I genuinely didn't know where until yesterday, and then we were told it was a large party so a set menu instead of a la carte.

OP posts:
My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 02/12/2022 14:20

In your place I would have cancelled too. It's an awful amount of money when your DH has been made redundant

monsteronahill · 02/12/2022 14:21

Have they paid a deposit for you / will it cost them any money for you not to attend?

I think YABU to cancel with this little notice, there's been a few weeks to make a decision and the prices will have been the prices for a while.

I don't think your reason is bad though - totally understand your point of view and it's probably sensible.

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:23

monsteronahill · 02/12/2022 14:21

Have they paid a deposit for you / will it cost them any money for you not to attend?

I think YABU to cancel with this little notice, there's been a few weeks to make a decision and the prices will have been the prices for a while.

I don't think your reason is bad though - totally understand your point of view and it's probably sensible.

I don't know about a deposit but will of course enquire and compensate. I also compensated the babysitter for cancelling.

OP posts:
greenhousegal · 02/12/2022 14:23

I heard a great line recently -

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"

Pity you didn't bow out earlier, but needs must now. The days of extravagant dinner parties like this are dwindling for most ordinary folk now anyway.

OovoofWelcome · 02/12/2022 14:24

It would be foolish to go.

BlancmanegeBunny · 02/12/2022 14:24

YANBU
Very wrong of the organiser not to be upfront about the cost, £70 pp before drinks is an expensive evening out for most people!

mathanxiety · 02/12/2022 14:26

YANBU.

It's nice of you to cover your portion of the deposit and to compensate the babysitter. You're doing the right thing.

BatshitandBonkers · 02/12/2022 14:28

From your thread title I was all set to say YABU but with DH being made redundant then I think you are right to cancel. If they are pissed off about it then they aren’t very good friends.

How was it sold to you as a party but only now been revealed where and how much? That’s not something I’d do to my friends.

TakeMe2Insanity · 02/12/2022 14:28

If you are compensating everyone you may as well attend 🤷🏻‍♀️

Outfor150 · 02/12/2022 14:33

You are doing the right thing in difficult circumstances. It’s not “shitty”. I wonder what goes through the minds of people who write things like that.

Ramble0n · 02/12/2022 14:37

Don't go. Your friends would be pretty shitty if they didn't understand your reason for cancelling.

There are some shitty replies on this thread.

Outfor150 · 02/12/2022 14:39

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

Just why would you say that? Of course the OP isn’t unreasonable. No decent friend would be pissed off.

iklboo · 02/12/2022 14:52

If you are compensating everyone you may as well attend

Paying the babysitter and possibly a deposit isn't going to cost anywhere near as much as attending.

Upwiththelark76 · 02/12/2022 15:03

Cancel of course . Money is tight. Don’t feel guilty for prioritising heating your home of feeding the family over an expensive night out . Cancel and crack on

kiwiandcherries · 02/12/2022 15:07

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

Why? It's not at the friend's house. It's a large group of people paying their own way at a restaurant - it doesn't inconvenience anyone or waste anyone's time or money so all that the host has a right to feel is a bit disappointed that one couple can't make it, but in light of a redundancy, I would hope that they would be more understanding than you seem to be.

caringcarer · 02/12/2022 15:08

You are making a sensible decision. Just tell organiser your husband lost his job and you have to prioritise bills with money you have.

Sonyrecording · 02/12/2022 15:09

It's fine. People sometimes have to drop out of things for a variety of reasons. It's a big group, your friend will understand. (If they don't they are no friend).

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 15:14

BatshitandBonkers · 02/12/2022 14:28

From your thread title I was all set to say YABU but with DH being made redundant then I think you are right to cancel. If they are pissed off about it then they aren’t very good friends.

How was it sold to you as a party but only now been revealed where and how much? That’s not something I’d do to my friends.

The couple invited us a month or so ago, asked us to save the date, it's for someone's birthday.
They were not sure about the details yet, but had to book the date to get in laws to babysit for their kids.
There were talks of a restaurant, but to be honest we thought a gastropub sort of things.
Ended up being a really fancy restaurant with a private dining room...

OP posts: