Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

[TheQueenOfHearts]

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

I’d like to amend my post as I’ve just seen the deposit was £100 - I think they were unreasonable to assume you’d all afford that type of venue without checking (unless high end dining is very usual for your friendship group).

Double agree! How bloody rude and laughable they'd expect you to pay £100 to NOT get a meal!! Bollocks to that!!

It is definitely not the type of places we normally go to. Which is why it was a surprise really!
As it's friend's partner's milestone birthday I suppose they wanted to do something memorable?
Redundancy or not, if I had known, I wouldn't have committed to it considering how bills and food prices have gone up!

BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

Seriously? She's backing out of a dinner party, not backing out of giving someone a kidney. They'll all live!

I'd hate to think that any friend of mine felt obliged to spend more than they could afford on an event I'd organised.

OP, I agree with PP that the organisers of this meal have handled things really badly. They should have been upfront about the costs. They are clearly oblivious to the fact that friends may be less well off and have only themselves to blame if people cancel now and they're stuck with the deposit.

Do the friends know about your circumstances? They’re the unreasonable ones not you. Expecting you to spend £300 on their birthday! They’re entitled CFs.

A pity you had not found out earlier, or even cancelled yesterday, but YANBU to cancel.

I don't go for all this milestone birthdays stuff which I think is nonsense. The day is 24 hours long the same as any other one.

Oh, I'd missed that it was a milestone Birthday. That's a factor. Your friends are STILL in the wrong here, but did you ask at all what the arrangements were?

@Desdem we tried to get some details yes but weren't told about the restaurant and the fact it was a set menu until yesterday.
We never ever thought it could be this type of restaurant to be honest.

Do something memorable but have everyone else fork out! Wondering if they're insta folk who'll try and pretend they hosted? 🤔

Jeez op I’m so sorry. It must be so hard to deal with hurdles like this at the moment.
they are being totally UR.
I agree with others though,if he goes he’s likely to spend even more on drinks,rounds etc.
fingers crossed your dh gets sorted soon.don’t give up.and tell him to put himself anywhere and everywhere.

I'd be very disappointed in these friends if I were you. Not only were they inconsiderate in organising a pricey event, then not warning you of the likely cost, but are now accepting your cancellation ungraciously.

They should be ashamed of themselves and feel bad for putting you in this position.

Hope things take a turn for the better very quickly.

It’s certainly a memorable thing to do to only let people know prices and set menus this late in the day! What were they thinking?!

If the deposit was £50pp are you only expected to pay the difference if you attended the meal? The hosts were stupid not to let people know the cost before paying the deposit

The thing is, if they want to do something special "as it is a milestone birthday" then they treat friends or they ask the friends in advance what everyone thinks about going somewhere that is so expensive / outside the range of places you normally see them.
What you don't do is get people to come along to something then tell them it is going to cost an arm and a leg, but if they drop out when they find out it is something they can't justify spending the money on, then 'someone' still needs to pay an extortionate deposit.

Even without the redundancy, I wouldn't be paying this. Any money lost or disappointment that not many come on the day, is entirely the fauly of the organisers.

@stuntbubbles my guess is they didn't want anyone to pull out, so didn't make it clear until last minute.
It is totally rude.
I am in a difficult position as the friend whose partner is celebrating birthday is my DH's friend, so I feel like I cannot openly voice my disappointment. DH is too polite. I had to talk him into cancelling once we got all the details.
I felt a bit guilty but think we should prioritise paying the bills and mortgage rather than fancy food...

So they shelled out, what, £500 deposit and didn't make it clear what was going on, so didn't know if people could afford it? This is crackers.

Are you sure they're telling the truth?.

I've had to do this before. If you can't afford it, you cant afford it.

It annoys me when people book something really expensive without thinking or checking others budgets. Or whether they would be ok paying it.

I would think they tell the truth, yes. Maybe the deposit isn't charged until bill is settled? As in minimum spend £50pp?

My experience booking these types of parties in restaurants is that you pay a fixed amount, which is then applied to whatever the final bill is, and you give a final count to the restaurant a day or two before the event. Let the host know immediately if you haven't done so. They may not be out of pocket at all for you not showing.

Are you absolutely sure the friend didn't share the restaurant details with DH and he forgot- possibly with everything going on because if the redundancy?
It's the only explanation that makes sense from the organisers side.

You made the right call as money is tight plus you prioritised what you can, can’t do 👍👍

I would check with the restaurant if the deposit really is £50 pp, then I would tell the organisers that due to the redundancy you just can't afford to pay this.

Quite frankly, they are piss takers for assuming that everyone has this kind of money for a meal out. You don't owe them anything.

Your bank balance and marriage is more important than they are.

There's no way that was booked yesterday ... someone organising fucked up in not letting you know sooner where it was and how much it was costing. Or has deliberately withheld the info for fear of people cancelling.

Don't make the mistake of thinking your DH may as well go. That's the "sunken cost fallacy" - it's costing £125 to cancel so he might as well go and then we've 'only' lost £75. The £75 (babysitter and your deposit) is gone. If he goes, he will spend way more than £50 and that's money you don't have.

I'd offer to pay half the lost deposit, but it's not like you agreed to this cost weeks ago and are now pulling out. You found out yesterday and your circumstances mean you simply can't afford it.

If you were my friends I really wouldn’t expect you to spend money in this situation. I think redundancy is a far more stressful situation than a different dynamic around the dinner table.

I doubt I’d like anyone who found it “shitty” and I love the expression not to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Dont let this add to your worries. True friends will understand and I hope your husband finds a new role soon.

But it's too late for the babysitter to find another job isn't it?
I presume a lot of babysitting is 'black', but in any official/declared work, there'd be a clause that you'd have to pay if you cancel last minute.