Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

306 replies

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:17

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 02/12/2022 17:14

Wow - originally I was all set to say YABU but the friends are incredibly rude for booking a place with a £50 non refundable deposit without confirming with all of the party in advance.

No way round paying it I suppose, but it's a pretty dick move to commit your friends to that level of expense without at least confirming it.

I agree though, at that price for the food, alcohol is likely to be same again on top for costs.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 02/12/2022 17:14

If the friend didn't want to lose the deposit they should have told you where you were going/how much before it became non-refundable! That's on him, not you op.

Pipsquiggle · 02/12/2022 17:15

You have done the right thing.

It's bad form to cancel so late, however, the hosts are making some bloody big assumptions about disposable incomes at a tricky time for most households even if you hadn't been made redundant.

Does the host know your DH has been made redundant?

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 17:15

Also, we found out yesterday what it was and that it was a set menu, only because they asked us yesterday if we had any dietary requirements...

OP posts:
Bizzyone · 02/12/2022 17:15

YABU I would be annoyed at having even the £100 deposits sprung on me last minute!

Tone deaf from your friends

FridayNightIsWineNight · 02/12/2022 17:15

I would be honest and say your husbands been made redundant and it's far too much money. That's very pricey.
I would do it quick though - at that price I think others will also pull out so get in first before others do and you've given the guilt trip.

Bonbon21 · 02/12/2022 17:21

Less concerned about your so-called friends dumping this on you than you saying the job loss is affecting your relationship.
Please remember this situation will be temporary, your husband will find a job, you are a team... focus on staying that way.
Good luck with the job hunting!
X

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 02/12/2022 17:24

Frankly, if you fall out over this it's all their fault for being a pair of right royal clusterfucks.How dare they presume to commit other people to spend so much money?

rookiemere · 02/12/2022 17:27

I don't understand why they booked an expensive restaurant without at least letting people know what it was and what the deposit and cancellation policy was.

I can only guess that under normal circumstances everyone in this circle must be loaded, because we're fairly well off and there's zero way I'd be paying £300 for one night out so close to Christmas.

SkankingWombat · 02/12/2022 17:28

Are these people close friends? I'm guessing not as they don't seem fully aware/care about your financial situation. I would be sending a very robust response and not paying. If you had known about the cost earlier and had cancelled last minute, you should indeed cough up the deposit but this is not the case here. I wouldn't want these people as my friends.

crussont · 02/12/2022 17:29

Fair enough. Explain situation to friends and apologise that you assumed it was the cheaper menue

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/12/2022 17:33

Your friends are total cheeky fuckers! Inviting people a month ago but only springing it on them yesterday that they'd have to pay £70 per head plus whatever a fancy restaurant charges for booze? They're very keen to spend other people's money for them!

If they want to have a 'dinner party' - this is not it. A dinner party, you cook, your friends bring booze, you all have a nice night. This? Outsourcing the cooking and passing all the expense to your friends? NOT a dinner party.

"We told the friend's partner we wouldn't make it, he made it pretty clear it was annoying as the deposit was now non-refundable... and it's £50pp!"
Well let's hope he learns from this. Learns not to stick people with an exorbitant and unexpected £140 per couple cost. I'd be considering leaving them to pay it, because frankly I doubt the deposit was that much.

ShandaLear · 02/12/2022 17:37

YANBU. Choosing an expensive restaurant and then informing you at the last minute while expecting you to pay is outrageous behaviour, and I would have no problem cancelling under those circumstances. I’d likely refuse to pay the deposit as I hadn’t agreed to it too.

KillingLoneliness · 02/12/2022 17:38

I had to cancel attending a party recently as we couldn’t afford it, I still feel so quilts that we didn’t get to attend but it just wasn’t an option anymore.

Fleabigg · 02/12/2022 17:40

That’s an enormous amount of money for a meal if you’ve got concerns about money, you’ve done the right thing.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 17:41

I think it’s a bit unlikely it’s £50 Pp if most of the party show up. Most restaurants world live with a party of 12 rather than 15

I would say something like

So sorry to cancel at the last minute, it was quite a bit more expensive than we anticipated and things are quite tight right now.

As it’s quite a big party hopefully they won’t charge a cancellation fee for us, but if they do we will of course cover so please let me know.

I hope you have a great night

RampantIvy · 02/12/2022 17:45

So sorry to cancel at the last minute, it was quite a bit more expensive than we anticipated and things are quite tight right now.

No, I don't think this is the right tone. It's a bit wishy washy. I would say "sorry we can't attend. DH has lost his job and this is an expense we just can't afford right now"

And don't offer to pay the deposit. This is entirely on the organisers for springing such an expensive place to eat on you.

MarshaBradyo · 02/12/2022 17:47

Agree with pp I’d be direct about job situation

Ponderingwindow · 02/12/2022 17:48

The organizers are really responsible here. You don’t plan an event where people have to pay and put down a hefty deposit without checking the amount with your guests before committing. Honestly, I don’t think you have any obligation to compensate them for the deposit. Their behavior here was incredibly rude.

RampantIvy · 02/12/2022 17:51

Honestly, I don’t think you have any obligation to compensate them for the deposit. Their behavior here was incredibly rude.

This ^ with bells and whistles on.

Bizzyone · 02/12/2022 17:53

Bizzyone · 02/12/2022 17:15

YABU I would be annoyed at having even the £100 deposits sprung on me last minute!

Tone deaf from your friends

YANBU i meant 😅🙈

BotterMon · 02/12/2022 17:56

YADNBU. They are being unreasonable in booking such an expensive do for somebody's birthday and expecting others to pay. It's not a friend's dinner party is it?

GreyGoose1980 · 02/12/2022 17:59

If they didn’t give you notice of the venue then I think it’s okay to cancel as you need to, but I think you could have checked earlier.

Landmark2022 · 02/12/2022 18:02

Agree with other pp that price seems extortionate for a meal but depends if it's normal for your friendship group (assuming not if you were expecting a pub meal?).

Can't believe some of the replies you are getting about late cancellation. Redundancy in this climate must be terrifying and there is no question you would cancel. Your friends are rude booking without checking first, but if you value their friendship and this is just a blip then I'd reluctantly pay the deposit.

Definitely don't send DH as it will probably annoy them and they'll think you just didn't want to go, plus once there it will be more difficult to resist joining in with rounds of drinks or even covering the birthday couples meal.

user68901 · 02/12/2022 18:06

I'm surprised the restaurant didn't ask for menu choices a week in advance.
I think you are doing the right thing. This is exactly where you need to cut back on spending . We went to a birthday meal for a friend's birthday and she and her husband paid for all the drinks so it ended up being a very good value night out! set menu wasn't as much as OPs though .