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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

306 replies

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:17

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 02/12/2022 16:51

MrsJBaptiste · 02/12/2022 16:10

Do people actually compensate the babysitter if they cancel before the night? Surely these things just happen? 🤷‍♀️

I would hope so! Why should the babysitter be out of pocket?

I'm a dog sitter/walker and I charge in full if people cancel on me with less than 24h notice!

SkylightSkylight · 02/12/2022 16:54

Dox9 · 02/12/2022 16:46

I had similar recently and cancelled. However check the notice period for the restaurant. The one I cancelled was full charge (95 for set menu) for no shows unless cancelled with at least 72 hours notice.

@Dox9

its not down to @TheQueenOfHearts to check the cancellation policy. They never agreed to go to an expensive restaurant.

they were asked to 'save the date' which they did, then when informed of the venu/cost they declined the invitation.

it's down to the organiser to check with invitees first, or suck up the cost of their impulsive decision.

Notcontent · 02/12/2022 16:54

The friend should have made it very clear at the outset what was involved.

it’s not a “dinner party” is you invite people to a restaurant and expect them to pay. If you invite someone to something, you pay. Otherwise it’s “we are thinking of going out to dinner and having a £70 set menu - are you interested in joining us? Here is the menu and drinks list”.

RampantIvy · 02/12/2022 16:55

I think it is pretty tone deaf during the current financial crisis to have a birthday party then spring a £70pp charge plus booze on every guest.

I totally agree.

If I was organising a birthday meal out the conversation would be along the lines of "we are thinking of going to xx restaurant/pub for x's birthday and would love you to join us." The invited people would then have an idea of what it would cost before committing.

You are definitely not BU, and any posters who think you are must be as tone deaf as the organisers. £70 pp for a meal excluding drinks is a lot of money for most people.

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/12/2022 16:57

Completely reasonable to cancel.

If you expect your guests to fork out £70pp for dinner you need to let them know that at the time of the invitation.

luckylavender · 02/12/2022 16:59

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:20

I genuinely didn't know where until yesterday, and then we were told it was a large party so a set menu instead of a la carte.

Entirely reasonable. These things happen. Look after yourselves.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/12/2022 16:59

It's not really hosting a dinner party if you're making your "guests" shell out that kind of money for a set menu. Surely you either cater for your guests or it's a more casual, "we are meeting at" and people buy what they can afford.

You won't be the only ones cancelling I bet.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/12/2022 17:00

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 02/12/2022 14:18

I think cancelling at that short notice is shitty. Surely you knew the venue more than two days before?

If you read the OP, you’ll see that she’s already said they only found out yesterday that despite it being termed a ‘dinner party’ it was an expensive restaurant.

RampantIvy · 02/12/2022 17:01

I hope your DH finds a new job soon @TheQueenOfHearts 🍀

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/12/2022 17:03

I would 100% cancel - if times are tight you just can't spend so much on a meal out, and anyone should understand and accept that.

Bonbon21 · 02/12/2022 17:04

Bit rubbish to invite folk to a birthday celebration and then slap a mega bill on them.. at any time...but I am sure you will not be the only ones to cancel.. families are really struggling.

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 17:05

To answer a few comments:

  • The babysitter is a good one we are hoping to be able to rely on in the future (for a reasonable night out), and I feel she shouldn't be left out of pocket, I paid her £25 which is half what she would have got I reckon, and hope she can find another job for tomorrow.

  • We told the friend's partner we wouldn't make it, he made it pretty clear it was annoying as the deposit was now non-refundable... and it's £50pp! The craziest down deposit I've ever heard for a restaurant! DH offered to pay for it, but being £100 he may as well go by himself and get fed?

I feel like we got ourselves into quite a tricky situation.
Also, paying £25 + £100 is still probably 50% less than what we would pay if going.

A good lesson for DH and I regarding how we should anticipate better in these tough times I suppose...

OP posts:
dcut · 02/12/2022 17:06

Not unreasonable at all.
They should have told the guests earlier that it was going to be at a restaurant like that and approximately how much it was going to be.
They made it sound like it was a dinner party at their place, then they changed their minds and said a restaurant, OP thought it was going to be a gastro pub and then at the last minute they say oh yeah, it's this restaurant and it's a set menu 70 quid pp. I wonder what planet they are living on that they seem to have no idea that their "guests" might not be able to afford that.
I'd have cancelled too. Not affordable.

Fleurdaisy · 02/12/2022 17:06

Ok so it’s not a great thing to do but you can’t spend £200 you don’t have, or £200 that’s better spent elsewhere.

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 17:06

RampantIvy · 02/12/2022 17:01

I hope your DH finds a new job soon @TheQueenOfHearts 🍀

Thanks so much!
We've never been in this situation before, it takes a toll on our relationship too... Hopefully this gets sorted soon

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 02/12/2022 17:07

I'd be tempted to keep the babysitter and do something within budget.

HolidaysAreComin · 02/12/2022 17:08

I'd have cancelled too, you can't spend upward of £150 on a meal when you don't have another job to go to. I'd say if you were made redundant but knew you had a new job starting in x months time and had everything covered from any payout up to then, well fine, but if you've got some uncertainty I wouldn't be blowing money like that on just a meal.

It might mean a last min drop out but if you can't really afford it it'd be silly to go.

Murasakispillowbook · 02/12/2022 17:09

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

If you were my friend, we wouldn't be friends any more if you were VVV pissed off I didn't spend hundreds on a restaurant I didn't choose when my husband had just been made redundant.

My friends wouldn't ever judge. They're nice people.

dcut · 02/12/2022 17:09

We told the friend's partner we wouldn't make it, he made it pretty clear it was annoying as the deposit was now non-refundable... and it's £50pp!

But they should have told people earlier before the deposit was due. If they've already paid a non-refundable deposit they must have known a while ago (ie. not just yesterday) what the meal was going to cost and they should have checked with everyone.
I'd be kicking off about having to pay the deposit to be honest.

ICanHideButICantRun · 02/12/2022 17:10

£50 deposit pp means the restaurant is used to people dropping out. If your husband goes he'll still have to pay the extra £20 and for drinks - he can't use your deposit for that.

Your friends are completely tone deaf if they know your husband's lost his job.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/12/2022 17:10

They sound like unreasonable people from the start so I wouldn't expect them to take it well when people cancel.

UsingChangeofName · 02/12/2022 17:12

Notcontent · 02/12/2022 16:54

The friend should have made it very clear at the outset what was involved.

it’s not a “dinner party” is you invite people to a restaurant and expect them to pay. If you invite someone to something, you pay. Otherwise it’s “we are thinking of going out to dinner and having a £70 set menu - are you interested in joining us? Here is the menu and drinks list”.

This.

There is no way I would have paid the deposit.
Clearly the couple organising it should have confirmed with people if they wanted to go, after sharing what it was they were committing to and before making the booking. It is in no way anyone else's responsibility and no-one else should be out of pocket because one couple thinks it is okay to spend other people's money without checking.

Merryoldgoat · 02/12/2022 17:13

A. That’s not a dinner party

B. It’s outrageous to invite people to something that expensive without proper notice

C. YANBU

TurkeyTeeth · 02/12/2022 17:13

They're out of order. If they had to pay a deposit they should have checked everyone was okay with the cost before they went ahead and spent £50 in each of your names. So cheeky! I would be refusing to pay it at all on the grounds that if they'd checked first you'd have said no.

ICanHideButICantRun · 02/12/2022 17:14

I agree - I love how it's down as the couple holding a dinner party - well, yes, if that means having it in a place that the guests haven't chosen and where the guests have to pay the bill.