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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

306 replies

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:17

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 03/12/2022 22:49

Regarding the comments about the babysitter, I must precise that it's been difficult to say the least to find a good babysitter we can trust and who my kids love. So I compensated because I wasn't sure she would find another job within such a short notice, but also because I want her to continue babysitting for us when possible.
Also, she's not a teenager, she works as a teaching assistant during the week and babysits for extra, so she needs the money as much as I try to save some 😅

OP posts:
London77 · 03/12/2022 22:50

Some of these comments are ridiculous!

You are with in every right to spend YOUR money as you wish. You found out yesterday it was in a restaurant you can't afford and that's not on you that's on THEM. With current times we should all be mindful of other peoples financial situations. They should have told you ahead of time.

This reminds me of when I was younger a friends bday meal was booked and the week before my car broke down. I had to get it fixed to go to work and I said I wasn't able to attend because I literally did not have the money anymore for some fancy restaurant in Mayfair. She was annoyed and that was the end of our friendship. If your friend is annoyed they weren't a good one in the first place. Of course you should put your own families needs before a friends dinner party. It's a luxury not a necessity.

Peoples comments saying you are being unreasonable is ridiculous. Don't even listen to them

MissTrip82 · 03/12/2022 22:58

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

You’d be pissed off if a friend of yours going through the incredible financial, mental and emotional stress of redundancy bailed on your fancy dinner that only wealthy people could afford?

Surely not. Nobody’s that much of an arsehole, surely.

Baker0104 · 03/12/2022 23:02

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/12/2022 21:23

£60 for a babysitter? !!!!

Show quote history

I charge £12 per hour for babysitting so yep £60 isn't far off...

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 03/12/2022 23:40

A similar experience OP, my friend organised a birthday meal in a large London restaurant, which turned out to have a ridiculous policy like this - our party ended up being 2 ppl fewer than the booking (well over a dozen ppl) - the restaurant charged us 2x£60=£120 for those 2 "no-shows", which they added to the bill that the rest of us had to pay. Furious.

Backtoblack1 · 03/12/2022 23:53

Orangepolentacake · 02/12/2022 14:20

Nah, that could easily costing around £300, you’re in a delicate financial situation.

never spend money you don’t have to keep up with appearances/appease people. Ignore the pp. you have a legitimate reason to cancel

This

SofaLola33 · 03/12/2022 23:56

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

imagine being pissed off with a friend in these circumstances… Redundancy on top of the current COL!

hopefully if you find yourself in a similar situation, your friends will have a little more compassion!

Hesma · 04/12/2022 06:44

YANBU given the circumstances and a good friend would understand. Seems odd you didn’t discuss costs sooner 🤷‍♀️

Pipsquiggle · 04/12/2022 07:13

@TheQueenOfHearts

Did you tell the birthday hosts that your DH had been made redundant?

rookiemere · 04/12/2022 07:38

"DH paid about £85 in the end, with wine, he must have been drinking quite less than usually.
He's not sure if the deposit for me was charged, the organisers didn't mention it."

That's a pretty decent result OP. I was expecting his bill to be absolute minimum of £100, so he must literally have only had one glass of wine, which is good as it would have been unfair for him to be living it up whilst you stayed at home. So this is good - he celebrated his friends birthday, but didn't break the bank.

Shame that all of this could have been avoided by friend choosing a more reasonably priced venue.

Blueseasky · 04/12/2022 08:15

Definitely cancel, helluva lot of money to spend on a dinner party when finances are tight. Don’t feel pressured to keep up appearances and friend should understand your situation, if they can’t then not so much of a friend! are they? You don’t owe an explanation to anyone. Compensate baby sitter and get the deposit back if you can.
I hope your partner finds a job soon and then you can celebrate without feeling worried or guilty.
good luck 🤞

RampantIvy · 04/12/2022 08:21

The OP's DH went. It was yesterday @Blueseasky

Heyhoitsme · 04/12/2022 08:23

You're absolutely right to cancel. Why should you be out of pocket for someone's birthday?

Wimin123 · 04/12/2022 08:32

There always are 🙄

Senegal1 · 04/12/2022 08:33

i’m assuming the dinner party is with several friends. If it was something arranged with one other couple then cancelling at short notice wouldn’t be a good move. However only you know the impact attending will have on your finances. Sometimes when things are tight you have to go with you gut feeling. I would give my apologies (Someone is unwell!).

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/12/2022 08:36

Very weird and wrong of friends to not mention the venue and cost

NO ONE I knows EVER pays for a deposit before checking with people

I organised a meal last night and was £23 with £10 deposit. I told all the cost up front - one couldn’t afford it so pulled out - not a problem

I collected peoples money. Then paid the deposit prob 6w ago

that’s normal behaviour

glad dh went @TheQueenOfHearts

You were right to cancel and save money

you were also very decent and paid bs half

and for thr person who asked why pay the bs, as they saved the date for op

when I used to bs I had a cancellation fee as if a good bs you would be asked to bs for other people and turned the work down so only fair she gets something

hope your dh finds a job soon op

ginexplorer · 04/12/2022 08:56

Completely sensible thing to cancel. If I was your friend I would totally understand. When my husband was made redundant a while ago now I did everything I could to reign in our expenses.

Its a large group so not as if the friend will have no one to celebrate with.

Nice of you to compensate the babysitter. I’m used to babysitters cancelling on me last minute but if you have a good one then it’s nice to offer. If I was your babysitter and knew the circumstances I wouldn’t have accepted the money though. Unless it was my regular job.

Letti9 · 04/12/2022 09:01

If there was a deposit it would have been for the whole group not individually. I would not bother compensate anyone. As for the babysitter tell them you will give them an extra fiver next time. Don't get yourself worked up about this...you can't afford to go, then you can't go...end of!

Blueseasky · 04/12/2022 09:06

Thanks for the update 😊

SnowyNoey · 04/12/2022 09:34

Personally i think given your situation a friend would be understanding, not knowing the venue therefore not being aware of the the costs being high makes it harder to plan ahead. im sure if you’d known about an upcoming event you would of forecast and budgeted the cost for the babysitter. However if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. Feels shitty now but if means being able to have dinner on the table at the end of the month I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it.

Tadpoll · 04/12/2022 09:38

The couple invited us a month or so ago, asked us to save the date, it's for someone's birthday.
They were not sure about the details yet, but had to book the date to get in laws to babysit for their kids.
There were talks of a restaurant, but to be honest we thought a gastropub sort of things.
Ended up being a really fancy restaurant with a private dining room...

This is awful. Who does this? Terrible, terrible behaviour assuming everyone can suck that up.

Landladyissues · 04/12/2022 09:42

Doesn't your friend realise your financial worries? I don't know how other people arrange things, but I have brought up a couple of kids single handed (husband up and left and his income vanished) and know how difficult it is to juggle... especially as most of my friends are couples - two incomes etc. So I always asked up front - or it was clear from my friends - what the cost of things would be. Finances can break friendships especially if both sides aren't honest.

Tadpoll · 04/12/2022 09:45

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 18:29

I would think they tell the truth, yes. Maybe the deposit isn't charged until bill is settled? As in minimum spend £50pp?

Show quote history

I have a friend who does this. Asks people if they want to do something, books and pays for it then tells everyone how much it’s going to be.

Drives me mad as people don’t always know what they’re signing up for and there are ALWAYS extras (e.g. ‘Oh, shall we all go to this cocktail bar first too?)

And it’s awkward to always be the one saying, ‘Sorry, how much is this going to cost me exactly?’ beforehand.

MarshaBradyo · 04/12/2022 09:45

I’m glad the bill wasn’t just split and he could pay his own way as others will have spent more

Re deposits we’ve had a minimum spend for large group (eg £500) but if someone doesn’t attend it’s fine

JEKL · 04/12/2022 11:45

I think it is completely reasonable to cancel. It's annoying that it's short notice but I'd imagine that it takes time to work out. I would completely understand if a friend did this and so would my close friends.

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