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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

306 replies

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:17

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 16:15

UsingChangeofName · 02/12/2022 16:03

Of course YANBU.
I wouldn't be surprised if others cancel too.
Even without the redundancy, a meal at that cost is quite a commitment for most. I wouldn't be surprised if it has taken others by surprise either.

If you are gathering people to go out together, then you should ALWAYS let people know what they are committing to in advance.

I'm not sure why so many posters are saying it is poor of the OP to cancel with short notice, when the people arranging it only gave them the information about costs yesterday. That is on the organisers.

I wouldn't be offering to pay any deposit either.
This is totally down to the people organising it.

As an aside, are your in-laws really charging you £60 to babysit their dgc ? Hmm

Not my in-laws I was talking about, but organisers in-laws.
I don't have family around to babysit my child, so need to pay for a babysitter

OP posts:
Desdem · 02/12/2022 16:15

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 16:13

I don't know exactly but I would say 10-15

Show quote history

I'd say it's okay then.

If it was a smaller gathering - just you and two other couples or something - I think its a bit late to cancel.

itmustbemyage · 02/12/2022 16:17

i wouldn’t have committed to going in the first place before I knew what I was saying yes to. Even if you were okay for money, that is a lot of money to pay out especially at this time of year and very unfair to spring it on everyone at the last minute.

TheShellBeach · 02/12/2022 16:17

Orangepolentacake · 02/12/2022 14:20

Nah, that could easily costing around £300, you’re in a delicate financial situation.

never spend money you don’t have to keep up with appearances/appease people. Ignore the pp. you have a legitimate reason to cancel

Exactly.
It sounds like the hosts haven't made it clear that this alleged diner party is actually a get-together at a restaurant, where everyone pays for themselves.

This is not a good time for you and DH to be spending a few hundred quid.
I would just cancel.

MarshaBradyo · 02/12/2022 16:21

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:23

I don't know about a deposit but will of course enquire and compensate. I also compensated the babysitter for cancelling.

Show quote history

How much did you spend in the end and save op?

whattodo1975 · 02/12/2022 16:21

Obviously abolsutley reasonable not to go given financial siutation.

However has anyone else pulled out yet? Just be aware that people don't like to be the first to bail, and if you go first, others may follow, with the organiser maybe holding a grudge at you.

SkylightSkylight · 02/12/2022 16:24

@TheQueenOfHearts

Its on them if they paid a deposit before asking you if you wanted to go to an expensive restaurant, all you'd been asked to do was keep the date free, which you did, and any deposit malarkey was their doing.

the babysitter, depends really. I would if they are a good babysitter and you booked them a while ago, if you hadn't had them booked long I wouldn't.

SkylightSkylight · 02/12/2022 16:25

Ooops, but as your question was are you unreasonable cancelling, no, no way!!

you kept the date open to celebrate with them, you didn't agree to a £300 night out.

they seem tone deaf!

5foot5 · 02/12/2022 16:33

SkylightSkylight · 02/12/2022 16:25

Ooops, but as your question was are you unreasonable cancelling, no, no way!!

you kept the date open to celebrate with them, you didn't agree to a £300 night out.

they seem tone deaf!

This.

That is an awful lot of money for a night out, even if your DH hadn't been made redundant.

I think the organisers are being rather thoughtless setting something like this up without having first given the invitees some idea of what it was likely to cost.

I would be very surprised if you are not the only ones cancelling.

PigletJohn · 02/12/2022 16:33

If you cancelled the day after being told it was in a posh restaurant, you cannot reasonably be told you were "late" cancelling

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 16:37

If its that price before drinks yabsolutely nu! You do know some bright spark will say 'oh we can't let the birthday couple pay! We'll all chip in to cover! Let's get some champagne too!'

Togoodtobeforgotten · 02/12/2022 16:38

If you don't have the money to go then just don't go.

TheTeddyBears · 02/12/2022 16:39

No I wouldn't go. I'd be careful with money if u only have enough to last a few months.

I don't think it's rude I think everyone should understand your situation. Maybe they shouldn't have picked somewhere so expensive. I imagine it will end up being close £300.

welshpolarbear · 02/12/2022 16:40

Op I think it's totally understandable and I wouldn't be upset with a friend, especially with redundancy.

Especially considering that they've been so late in informing you of venue and set menu.

Please don't worry op. You've not done anything wrong.

amonsteronthehill · 02/12/2022 16:41

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:20

I genuinely didn't know where until yesterday, and then we were told it was a large party so a set menu instead of a la carte.

YANBU

You didn't know they'd pick a restaurant that will easily leave you £100 out of pocket for yourselves including drinks, PLUS potentially a portion of the birthday person's meal/drinks which could add up. And that's on top of £60 minimum for a babysitter.

You can no longer afford the evening out; your friend will understand if they're actually a friend.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 02/12/2022 16:43

Check with the restaurant whether deposits come off the bill or are refunded separately. If they come off the total bill there's no need to refund the host yourself - she'll be profiting off you if you do.

Mumrey · 02/12/2022 16:43

A true friend will understand and accept your decision to drop out

sjxoxo · 02/12/2022 16:44

I think it’s sensible. Who hosts a dinner party but at a restaurant..?! Wierd. And I think it’s a bit rude to have a party yet expect your guests to pay £70! It’s not the end of the world for the host. Don’t feel bad xo

Itloggedmeoutagain · 02/12/2022 16:44

Ridiculous of them to book somewhere so expensive without checking

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 02/12/2022 16:44

Yanbu. Your friend should've indicated that they were thinking of booking something so expensive when inviting you. I expect lots of the guests will have to cancel.

Venetiaparties · 02/12/2022 16:46

In my experience the cost of the actual food is the least of it, these nights tend to be very boozy and the cost of the wine is going to be eyewatering.

You have to get your priorities right, and that generally means making sure you are just as careful for nights out. You have given enough notice. It is poor form to choose such an expensive place and expect your friends to pay!

I would invite a handful of friends including the birthday couple over in the new year for an Italian night - simple pasta dish and some Italian wine

Dox9 · 02/12/2022 16:46

I had similar recently and cancelled. However check the notice period for the restaurant. The one I cancelled was full charge (95 for set menu) for no shows unless cancelled with at least 72 hours notice.

WinterFoxes · 02/12/2022 16:50

How well do you know the friends? Can you be honest? If someone explained this to me I would understand 100%. But if they just made vague last minute excuses, I'd be upset.

I think it is pretty tone deaf during the current financial crisis to have a birthday party then spring a £70pp charge plus booze on every guest. By the time you have added a present, travel, babysiting, tips to waiting staff, you are spending £300. Wealthy people can afford this but the vast majority can't. Why not just push back the furniture, tunr the lights down and the music up and get everyone to bring a bottle? More fun too.

You are incredibly generous to offer to compensate the babysitter. Why not just say to them you are shifting the booking to another time? Or go out anyway for a couple of hours for a starry walk and a drink somewhere.

44PumpLane · 02/12/2022 16:50

You've done the right thing op, £70 a head for the set menu, then it'll end up being a "shall we just split the bill for ease" situation where you've had one glass of wine and others have been downing bottles of prosecco and cocktails, someone will order coffees and it can all get out of hand.

The restaurant deposit will be a drop In the ocean and if they call the restaurant today to cancel out your spaces it may be waived (depends on the restaurant).

JoyeuxNarwhal · 02/12/2022 16:51

Bit crap to cancel the day before but equally it crap to only let you know where you're going/how much a couple of days before as well..
Any chance the friend is footing the bill for everybody's food?