Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

281 replies

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:52

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

OP posts:
Detectorists · 02/12/2022 10:53

How much is he left with per month? If it's more than £150 then YANBU.

AdoraBell · 02/12/2022 10:54

Who did you buy presents for?

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:55

He's left with £400..... of which he does put a lot into savings for us.
I also did save what I could whilst I was working full time before we had my son. But I feel that he resents me for not being able to save currently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:55

I bought presents for my immediate family who we spent Christmas Day with

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:57

Not another woman bringing up a child as her contribution to the family, and not getting equal access to family money. This must be the fifth post about this, this week

All money in one pot, equal personal spends. You have a shared child, and are sacrificing your future financially

I am so worried this is so common

chezpopbang · 02/12/2022 10:58

When you are only working part time to look after his child you should both be putting all money into a joint account. Having the same spending money to pay for things like fuel and phone bill. Then any money left can go in to joint savings. Christmas presents for family should be bought together and you buy equally for your side as you do for his.

isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:58

And DP, not DH.

Get back to work full time, pay into your pension to make up for the lost years and share child care costs or prepare for a penniless future.

AdoraBell · 02/12/2022 10:59

I was wondering if you’d bought presents for his family.

It sounds like he is being unreasonable, you are a family but he’s behaving like you aren’t.

Katapolts · 02/12/2022 10:59

Is the savings account in both your names?

Work out what your total household bills are, including tax and fuel, food etc, savings, and then split the remainder equally between you.

Loki01 · 02/12/2022 11:00

What do you mean by borrow? He can work full time as you are looking after your child! Say you will go full time and he will contribute equally to the childcare cost.

Whiskyvodka · 02/12/2022 11:02

isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:57

Not another woman bringing up a child as her contribution to the family, and not getting equal access to family money. This must be the fifth post about this, this week

All money in one pot, equal personal spends. You have a shared child, and are sacrificing your future financially

I am so worried this is so common

It’s so depressing isn’t it.
Why do women put up with this.
I’ve never worked more than part time since the dc.
I’ve always had access to all the money in our house and dh would never comment on my spending.

Trll your dh that you’ve decided to work full time and he can go part time and take the financial hit.

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 11:03

Why aren’t you married and sharing money?

It's nuts to give up your financial independence to subsidise your boyfriend’s childcare.

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:03

This is why it's usually a good idea to be married before you play house with a man (unless you are by far the higher earner).

You are subsidising his lifestyle and career progression by covering the lion's share of childcare. Meanwhile you get the indignity and stress of having to grovel for a bit extra money.

Not fair.
But it's the setup you chose...

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:04

He believes that I am bad with money because I haven't saved as much as him. I've always saved as much as I reasonably can. I've never had any debts ever, I'm not sure where his idea comes from that I am bad with money.
And by borrow I meant I would pay the money back to him after my pay day.

OP posts:
PeeJayDay · 02/12/2022 11:05

"He's left with £400..... of which he does put a lot into savings for us."

He puts into his savings. For whatever he wants, you've no rights to that money, it's not savings for you.

BeautifulDragon · 02/12/2022 11:05

You need to start working full time.

He'll leave you high and dry with nothing, especially since you're not married. What's your housing situation like? Please don't say he owns the house.

I can't imagine 'borrowing' money from my DH. We are a team.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2022 11:05

Why are you borrowing money from him?
You provide childcare so should have access to the family money.
Same story over and over from women who aren’t married but have compromised their career and earning potential to have babies with men who object to sharing “their” money with them

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 02/12/2022 11:07

Why aren’t you sharing money?

Needing to borrow money for everyday things (and Christmas) from someone you live with and them expecting you to pay it back like some business transaction is kind of grim.

All money into one pot. After expenses have come out (bills, kid stuff, savings etc) then any left over money should be shared equally.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 02/12/2022 11:07

Maybe start charging him for half your time looking after his dc.?

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:07

BeautifulDragon · 02/12/2022 11:05

You need to start working full time.

He'll leave you high and dry with nothing, especially since you're not married. What's your housing situation like? Please don't say he owns the house.

I can't imagine 'borrowing' money from my DH. We are a team.

No we jointly own our house

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 02/12/2022 11:08

Marriage is at the end of the day a legal contract that protects you. If he ups and leaves you’re fucked, if you were married you would be less fucked. It’s nothing to do with not wanting a wedding.

What is with all these threads on the same vein. How many times do women need to be told
to bloody protect themselves and stop having kids with men who won’t marry them.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/12/2022 11:08

Spend some of the money that he 'saves for us'. It's shared money, so you don't have to 'ask to borrow it', you just spend it.

If you can't do that, then it's not you that's the problem. If you work PT because you're doing most of the child and house related stuff, you need equal access to and say in the household finances.

Alternatively, you both work full time and share house and child duties 50/50 and preferably have the same amount of personal spending money.

Snugglemonkey · 02/12/2022 11:08

He is acting like you are dating, not behaving like you are a family. You should not need to borrow money from him to cover expenses like gifts.

HadEnoughOfBears · 02/12/2022 11:09

isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:57

Not another woman bringing up a child as her contribution to the family, and not getting equal access to family money. This must be the fifth post about this, this week

All money in one pot, equal personal spends. You have a shared child, and are sacrificing your future financially

I am so worried this is so common

100% this