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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

281 replies

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:52

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 02/12/2022 11:09

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:07

No we jointly own our house

Show quote history

You also jointly have a child. Start charging him for looking after the kid and for cooking meals and housework and washing his clothes.

Remainiac · 02/12/2022 11:10

PeeJayDay · 02/12/2022 11:05

"He's left with £400..... of which he does put a lot into savings for us."

He puts into his savings. For whatever he wants, you've no rights to that money, it's not savings for you.

This should come with a klaxon. You aren’t married, it’s his money. You are subsiding him and enabling him to save whilst impoverishing yourself. Stop doing that.

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:10

Yes I do all the cooking, housework, child care etc

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 02/12/2022 11:10

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 02/12/2022 11:08

Marriage is at the end of the day a legal contract that protects you. If he ups and leaves you’re fucked, if you were married you would be less fucked. It’s nothing to do with not wanting a wedding.

What is with all these threads on the same vein. How many times do women need to be told
to bloody protect themselves and stop having kids with men who won’t marry them.

Exactly . Go to work full time and start splitting the childcare with him equally , the set up you have is not fair .

Remainiac · 02/12/2022 11:11

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

You’re paying quite a price for that though aren’t you?

daisyjgrey · 02/12/2022 11:12

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:04

He believes that I am bad with money because I haven't saved as much as him. I've always saved as much as I reasonably can. I've never had any debts ever, I'm not sure where his idea comes from that I am bad with money.
And by borrow I meant I would pay the money back to him after my pay day.

He's literally handing you the red flags.

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:13

He's left with £400..... of which he does put a lot into savings for us.

Is that a shared savings account? Do you have access to it, @Ajaal?

Pjsandhotchoc · 02/12/2022 11:14

Why are there so many women in this position and questioning if they’re being unreasonable? Of course you aren’t! I can’t believe it’s even a question.

My husband and I have the roughly the same earning potential, however since my son is only 18 months old I am currently working part time. We have worked out our earning and what each of us pay for bills so that we are both left with the same amount of “disposable” cash. We also have an agreed amount that we contribute to savings, obviously* *he can commit to saving more since he earns more.
If a man wasn’t willing to pool together our earnings as a household income I wouldn’t have had a child with him.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/12/2022 11:14

isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:57

Not another woman bringing up a child as her contribution to the family, and not getting equal access to family money. This must be the fifth post about this, this week

All money in one pot, equal personal spends. You have a shared child, and are sacrificing your future financially

I am so worried this is so common

I agree.

The number of men who think that their earnings should be "theirs", and that giving anything towards the joint household income is doing their family a favour is shocking.

TumbleFryer · 02/12/2022 11:15

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

I’m afraid you don’t have the luxury to have a moral view on marriage. You are in a very precarious financial position. You have no capacity to save for your future and I assume very little pension. You have sacrificed all of this to bring up a child. If you split up you will be entitled to nothing. Your husband, meanwhile, has his own savings, his own pension and his own career progression, all of which he only has because of your sacrifice to raise his child.

Marriage is a legal contract. Nothing more.

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:16

@LaLuz7 Nope I don't have access to it. I am aware that I sound absolutely mad to everyone on here.... I get it, I do! Sadly it's not always that clear cut. There are many reasons as why someone not feel able to leave somebody. I just wanted to see what peoples reactions would be because sometimes he makes me feel like I'm being selfish, bad with money etc, not caring about saving for the future etc etc

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 02/12/2022 11:16

Floralnomad · 02/12/2022 11:10

Exactly . Go to work full time and start splitting the childcare with him equally , the set up you have is not fair .

Show quote history

This ⬆

At the moment you contribution to childcare is saving HIM a lot of money, and costing you a great deal - not just in actual cash but in potential career progression.

User839516 · 02/12/2022 11:17

You have a child with this man and yet you are ‘borrowing’ money from him? Or trying to! That is just weird - where is the partnership? I am a SAHM, DH’s salary gets paid into our joint account, after bills etc we have equal spending money, savings are in my name, car is in my name, house in both our names. And I have 100% faith that he isn’t going to up and leave me and the DC. But it’s just good sense.

CourtneeLuv · 02/12/2022 11:17

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:52

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

I really dont understand how people live like this, you are supposed to be a partnership Confused that means pooling all your resources.

I'd consider this financial abuse.

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 11:18

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

Marriage is a legal contract that provides financial security for you, and your child.

You are 100% entitled to opt-out of entering into that contract, but you can’t then moan that it’s all unfair where you’re the one who has created and enabled this unfair set-up.

This man has no legal or financial connection to you. He doesn’t need to give you money.

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:18

You don't have to leave him. You could marry him...

Right now you have zero legal right to his earnings, including what is in that savings account.

Could you buy him out if he decided to split up tomorrow and sell the house? Or would you be out in the streets?

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 11:18

isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:57

Not another woman bringing up a child as her contribution to the family, and not getting equal access to family money. This must be the fifth post about this, this week

All money in one pot, equal personal spends. You have a shared child, and are sacrificing your future financially

I am so worried this is so common

100% this

Sort it as a priority OP, while you are on good terms - the longer it lasts the harder it will be.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2022 11:18

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

Marriage certainly isn’t for anyone who wants to have a child and have legal protection if their relationship fails.
This isn’t a moral judgement it’s about ensuring you and your child have legal rights.
What is it exactly you’ve never desired? A share of a house you are contributing to? The right to maintenance?

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 11:18

And get married, so you have financially equality should you split.

spare123 · 02/12/2022 11:19

FFS. Why have you downsized your earnings to bring up this man's child with no legal protection, when he sounds financially abusive. You need to get married, or get your career back on track and he pays for half the childcare.

wigywhoo · 02/12/2022 11:20

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:03

This is why it's usually a good idea to be married before you play house with a man (unless you are by far the higher earner).

You are subsidising his lifestyle and career progression by covering the lion's share of childcare. Meanwhile you get the indignity and stress of having to grovel for a bit extra money.

Not fair.
But it's the setup you chose...

This. Before and after we got married, even before our child was born total salaries into the pot and then the same "allowance" each month for each to spend as they wished, no questions asked!

XmasElf10 · 02/12/2022 11:20

If you don't have access to the savings then they are HIS savings and not joint savings. This means that every month he has more disposable income than you which he saves for himself or spends on himself. That sounds very unfair.

CourtneeLuv · 02/12/2022 11:21

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

Why?

Why wouldn't you want to protect yourself, and your child?

PeeJayDay · 02/12/2022 11:21

"I've never desired a marriage"

You've never desired financial protection for you, and as a result your child? You've never desired equality and legal recognition of that? Well, more fool you.

He thinks you're a mug and you're proving him right.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 11:21

Marriage is a contract that gives you equal financial rights.

It's not to do with weddings or rings. If it makes you feel better check with a solicitor if a civil partnership covers you.

Do some reading on here OP, so so many women get shafted financially, by reducing their earning potential and pensions by going PT to raise kids, but not arranging equal access to family cash (like you), and not being married to protect them in a split (like you).