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Original poster

Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

281 replies

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:52

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

OP posts:
ThatEdgyFeeling · 02/12/2022 11:34

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:16

@LaLuz7 Nope I don't have access to it. I am aware that I sound absolutely mad to everyone on here.... I get it, I do! Sadly it's not always that clear cut. There are many reasons as why someone not feel able to leave somebody. I just wanted to see what peoples reactions would be because sometimes he makes me feel like I'm being selfish, bad with money etc, not caring about saving for the future etc etc

He would say that, wouldn't he?🙄

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/12/2022 11:34

As PP have said

You should have equal spending money
If he doesnt ask if he can go out for a meal then neither should you
The savings as his, not yours, unless you're married or named on the account
He is benefiting from you sacrificing your career to save on childcare costs. You are subsiding the family much more than him.
If you don't have equal access to money you need to go back to work full time, making sure he pays his proportionate share of childcare costs, to build up your savings pot
Make sure all spends on children (days out, clothes and everything) come out of the joint account
Dont have any more children with him until this has sorted

emilydickinsonscat · 02/12/2022 11:35

Your situation is crazy!

Are you housemates who had a ONS and that resulted in a child?
Which you decided to keep against his wishes?

Because thats what your financial set-up reads like.

Families are completely different - everyone working together and supporting each other as a team a unit.
This is why people often get married before having children, I know you can be financial abused within marriage, but at least the intention is you operate as a unit.

Mirrorcell · 02/12/2022 11:35

Woman - sacrifice career. Clean house. Limited free time. Cook. Child rearing. Skint. What are the pros?

man - advance career. More money. Savings. Cooked for. Cleaned after. No financial disadvantage. What are the cons?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/12/2022 11:36

Also consider if you really want to be staying in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to share, and wont even lend you (rather than give) the money for one meal

AccioChocolate · 02/12/2022 11:37

Marriage isn't for everyone. Some women can't get past the historical ties to what was basically women passed from father to husband as a maid, sex doll, and childcare provider

I am completely sympathetic to that view.

However you have chosen to be the maid and childcare provider without even the protection that women who were married were provided. He is not being your provider. He has all the benedits an of a traditional relationship where you are a 50s housewife but he has none of the obligation to provide

That's crazy.

Boshi · 02/12/2022 11:37

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:10

Yes I do all the cooking, housework, child care etc

Marriage is not for you but you do all the cooking, housework, childcare. What exactly did you escape by not getting married?

Ragruggers · 02/12/2022 11:37

Have you bought presents for his family? If so tell him how much he owes you same with presents for your son he gives you half and so on.Work out how much you have spent on Christmas he needs to pay half.He s treating you badly which you know.Do you enjoy his company does he love you do you love him.That is your answer.Do are better than this.Take care of yourself.

Dictionaryencyclopedia · 02/12/2022 11:37

Do you understand the legal differences between marriage/civil partnership and living together OP?

A "wedding" is optional and irrelevant.

You would be financially better off as a single parent claiming UC because you have no access to your partner's money.

This is financial abuse.

AccioChocolate · 02/12/2022 11:38

Boshi · 02/12/2022 11:37

Marriage is not for you but you do all the cooking, housework, childcare. What exactly did you escape by not getting married?

Show quote history

A ring she could pawn to pay for Christmas

Sunnyjac · 02/12/2022 11:38

What @isthewashingdryyet said
It's not his money vs your money. It's money. Someone earns it, someone takes care of the child. Both access the money.

HadEnoughOfBears · 02/12/2022 11:38

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

Your name is on the house though isn't it?

Rhythmisadancer · 02/12/2022 11:40

Can I just add my voice to the exasperated people struggling to believe that in 2022 women of child bearing age in the developed world are still putting up with this shit.? He isn't earning more from working full time by some giant fluke. Between you, you are both raising a child and trying to generate enough income to support 3 people. That is a joint venture, and so all of the money is family money. It takes two of you to earn it, even if your £ contributions are not exactly the same, all of the money in the pot is as much yours as it is his. Unless you want to work out how much his contribution to childcare would be if you went fulltime, and get him to pay that to you.
If these "savings" are for you both, tell him you want your cut now, and you'll spend some on what you want at Christmas.
Don't. Be. A. Mug.

Devoutspoken · 02/12/2022 11:41

You working part time and doing child care allows him to go to work full time and earn more. that money is yours too. He's a selfish mo fo

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2022 11:41

I also despair at all the men, who treat women, who’ve provided them with a child and work part time to give their family a nice life, as a nuisance. So you’re cooking, cleaning and doing the childcare while he lines his pockets and complains about you. Nice.

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:41

Boshi · 02/12/2022 11:37

Marriage is not for you but you do all the cooking, housework, childcare. What exactly did you escape by not getting married?

Show quote history

Butbutbuuuut she gets to call herself emancipated because she won't subscribe to the patriarchal antiquated concept of marriage. Such strong feministic attitude!

The mind boggles 🙄

LimeCheesecake · 02/12/2022 11:42

OP - marriage isn’t for everyone, but as well as all the historical crap, it is a legal contract. A legal contract many woman never need - but your DPs behaviour suggests you might. He doesn’t see you as an equal unit.

Ask your employer about going full time. Being part time with your dc is a luxury your dp won’t support and as you aren’t married you are in a difficult situation.

BruceAndNosh · 02/12/2022 11:42

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:16

@LaLuz7 Nope I don't have access to it. I am aware that I sound absolutely mad to everyone on here.... I get it, I do! Sadly it's not always that clear cut. There are many reasons as why someone not feel able to leave somebody. I just wanted to see what peoples reactions would be because sometimes he makes me feel like I'm being selfish, bad with money etc, not caring about saving for the future etc etc

If you don't have access, he's not putting money into savings "for us". He's saving for him

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:43

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2022 11:41

I also despair at all the men, who treat women, who’ve provided them with a child and work part time to give their family a nice life, as a nuisance. So you’re cooking, cleaning and doing the childcare while he lines his pockets and complains about you. Nice.

They only do it because they're able to find women who allow it.

It's us who need to smarten up.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/12/2022 11:43

If you have savings why can't you take it out there? Or is he lying to you and it's really his savings?

Either way he sounds selfish!

gamerchick · 02/12/2022 11:45

liarliarshortsonfire · 02/12/2022 11:26

I'd be telling him that you're going back to work full time as you can't afford part time and he's going to have to pay his % of childcare and 50% of all childcare, housework etc

This is the only conversation you can have it looks like.

Original poster
Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:46

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I know, you are right. I have tried and failed before.
Obviously there is a lot more background/story to the situation that anyone could know and it would take a bloody book to explain.
But thank you everyone for your honest opinions

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 02/12/2022 11:46

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 11:43

They only do it because they're able to find women who allow it.

It's us who need to smarten up.

Show quote history

100% @LaLuz7

Men these days can have their cake and eat it. And it's us women enabling it.

TheOrigRights · 02/12/2022 11:47

He's left with £400..... of which he does put a lot into savings for us.

You then go on to answer a poster's question asking whether you have access to the savings, to which you say no you don't.

So, this us then. Do you honestly think if your relationship breaks down, he'll still regard the savings in his name as yours as well?

You know he's being an arse. You know you will not be financially protected in the event of a breakup. Wise up woman!

HomemadePickle · 02/12/2022 11:47

This is so depressing. Either go back to work full time and he pays his share of childcare (ie more if he earns more than you) or get married and have joint access to savings and personal spends. What you’ve outlined is financial abuse - which you’ve enabled by agreeing to the set up and having a child whilst unmarried.