Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

[Ajaal]

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

But having your own money is a big thing on mumsnet, especially if you're a big earner. Split household costs and hang onto whats left as yours.

Personally we've always been an 'its all family money' couple which in mumsnet terms was probably good at the start as he was the main earner and bad later when i started being the main earner.

It is a bit shit however irrespective of how their finances are organised to be mean to your partner over money especially if its not the norm to need more.

How can more background information make it any more acceptable?

And don't have more babies with him @Ajaal. It's very common for women in your situation to double down and really commit to their mistake by popping out a few more kids.

Sadly it's not always that clear cut. There are many reasons as why someone not feel able to leave somebody.

Do you want to leave him? If you can tell us a bit more about your situation then I'm sure there are many on here who would be able to help.

I'm a SAHM to our two children. DC is a high earner I guess. All our money is shared and I have access to it all, except some savings that neither of us can get to as they are fixed. We're married. I don't borrow money, it's mine just like it's his.

Go back full time and work on your career. It’s the best and only way to look after yourself and your child. Splitting up or a partner dying or being critically ill or long term sick can happen to any couple. Your capacity to earn money protects you and your child.

It could be him who is sick and needs to rely on you in the future, if so would you treat him the same? Would he allow it?

Not true.

I have certainly read threads that were reversed and women were told their money way family money. It's just rare that women have kept their careers and had their male partners sacrifice theirs and then do all the cleaning, cooking and childcare.

Women that are the higher earner, have no children and the husband does nothing in the home and is a cock lodger are told differently.

Share a baby but not finances. Willnever understand this.

You need to wake up. He has an unpaid housekeeper.

The savings, if only in his name, is legally his money. There is no us, legally.

No, a man shouldn’t pay for his partner’s Xmas do as a treat. She should have access to enough money to pay for it - and any incidentals like extra drinks or a new pair of shoes etc - herself.

OP this situation is fucked up. As everyone else has advised, you’re in a very sticky situation and saying you can’t afford to LTB means that if he leaves you, or does something unforgivable, then you’ll be shafted without even having the time to plan your way out.

If you won’t leave him for being selfish and financially abusive, then at least do as has been suggested, get back to work, demand he does 50% or all house tasks, childcare etc and that you both come out of it with equal access to spending money. Otherwise you’re better off single, with access to single parent benefits, single adult discounts on things like council tax etc and child maintenance from him if he does less than 50% of overnights, enabling you to work 50% of those evenings if you need to.

Not to.pile on OP but echoing what everyone is saying about marriage to protect yourself. It doesnt have to be a big fancy do you can quietly get married at the registry office. Is the issue that he doesnt want to get married?

I think you are being unreasonable. You have said you don't want to marry your boyfriend and have the legal protection it provides you and your child, instead of asking him for money go back to work full time and look after yourself.

As your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you either he should be taking half the load of childcare unless he doesn't want to look after your child, which I would guess he doesn't.

If your relationship was serious enough to have a child (you probably should have got married first) you didn't but you can still have 1 pot of money. You aren't really living as a family if you still treat money as you would when you are dating. As soon as we got engaged and bought a house money became ours, we earn similar (me slightly more) and I saved a much bigger house deposit but as we are a family everything is joint, there's no mine and yours.

I can't believe you agree to go part time and take on childcare with this setup. I'd be saying we have 1 account and we pay bills etc from that, you could always both take x amount into another account for savings etc, but that amount is the same, you are a family not casually dating.

Ask for the money you’ve historically put into the savings back. Then charge him for the childcare you do.

Good,for you, I’m sure the op is delighted for you, , do you actually have any advice for the op?

op, I don’t know how you’ve got yourself into this mess, but if you want money you need to earn it . Your relationship is very unequal, only you know why you were so keen to get with this guy you’d live like this , but id be not doing all the chores and I would be working full time

This!
and what’s this nonsense I keep reading on MN where it seems to fall on the mother to pay for childcare and anything for the child…. 🤨

This is shocking. How could he treat someone he loves in this way? And why are you doing everything around the house?

When I was a sahm, I obviously didn't earn any money and I never had to 'borrow' anything because we both had free access to our money. I'm now the higher earner and i work full time while he is part time around the children. He does the majority of household chores and we both still have full access to money. I'm currently undergoing cancer treatment so not sure how much I'll be working. He's nursing me and doing everything and we both still have free access to money!

These things should be fair to both of you no matter how your situation changes. I can't get my head around being so selfish with the person you are choosing to share your life with.

Yes. Skip the Wedding and just get the certificate.

You shouldn't have to borrow it... you live together, have a child, imo it should be one pot and what's left is everyone's, not his, not hers.

sorry op, it sucks for you. I couldn't live like this.

You do realise a marriage isn't an expensive day getting dressed up right? Sounds like you don't want a wedding, you can get married without the big wedding bit and then have the legal protection a marriage offers. It's not just a day and a meaningless piece of paper!!!

Why are there so many women on here that don't realise how important it is to get married and look after your financial security before they start popping kids out with their boyfriend?!

If this is true, then you need to get really fucking serious about your financial future, because if this relationship goes tits up, you are screwed.

Marriage might have been better for your finances.

You should be billing him for childcare.

Presumably you work part time because you are carrying a greater burden of childcare and housework.
While he has someone to look after his child when he is working?
Can you not see how unfair this is?
In fact it is financial abuse.

I honestly thinks this needs to be taught to women in school. The amount of single mothers who never married and are now financially fucked is endemic.

This. What is this "his money" and "my money" BS.