Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

[Ajaal]

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

Seriously this is so infuriating and worrying.

Very strange dynamic here.

I don't have to ask, If I need money I just take it from our joint savings.

Obviously if its a substantial amount we discuss the reason behind it.

We are married 5 years, together 7 and have a child.

I make peanuts compared to what he makes so obviously he contributes more than I do but he has never made me felt like its HIS money and not mine.

So this is strange to me.

If he is paying into joint savings why can't you just withdraw from that? Do you have access to it?

I understand this. I mean, it’s not for me, but I do understand it. However, you’ve put yourself in a really dangerous position. He’s not saving for your family’s future. He’s saving for his future and you’re just hoping he’s going to let you share it with him. As he’s already claiming you’re bad with money, I wouldn’t bank on him being willing to do this, even if your relationship is one of the small number that goes the distance. Judging by the tiny bit you’ve written about him, I don’t think you’ll be sat next to each other in your rocking chairs.

If you don’t want to get married for financial protection, then you must get yourself in a better position. Tell him you’re going back to work to earn more money and pay into your pension pot, so you expect him to start doing half of the housework and paying half towards the childcare. Otherwise, you are simply a lodger he has sex with.

Hi @Ajaal

You need to decide what you want and then sit down & discuss it.

Car & phone expenses should surely come out of the joint bills account? ANY child expenses come out of the joint pot.

You need to be paying a fairer split - i.e. you less, him more. Do a spreadsheet with everything on it. It's harder for him to argue you are bad with money when it's in black & white in front of him that actually it's a ruddy miracle you manage at all.

Can your name be added to the savings account? If it's "us" savings there is no reason not to. Otherwise he gives you your half & you put it in your own account.

Is there any chance you could both change your hours? Some employers will let you condense 5 days into 4. You both do 4 days & still only need 3 days childcare. I know some employers will say a definite no chance, but if you don't ask, you don't get. If you do want to go full time, make sure it is financially worth it with the extra tax, NI & (your share of) childcare costs.

I hope he see's what fair looks like. Otherwise you have far more serious decisions to make.

Best of luck @Ajaal .

So do I . We talk about big spends, but even if I spent a lot, he would not be so mean as to take away my works dinner. So mean and petty.

At the same time they could teach young men that they are also responsible as a parent, not just the child's mother.

Sometimes it seems like it has never occurred to some men that children need looking after while they're at work as they seem to see it more like the woman is sitting at home indulging in childcare and housework as a leisurely hobby while they slave away at work to pay for it all.

My ex never wanted to share finances and resented it when we did even though we earned the same- I earned more at one point. In my case it was because he was cheating for years and had one foot out the door. He needed spare cash for things without me knowing. Obviously that might not be the case for you... but when your income drops because of having children with someone and they're happy with you surviving on less despite carrying the entire caring load of the family... its a serious red flag. You're not equals.

This.

Then he isn’t saving money for you both unless he puts it in a joint account.

He is saving his money for himself.

Why kid yourself he is doing it all for you both

I don’t think a bunch of flowers is a measure of commitment or of spoiling someone.

In nearly 17 years I’ve not had one bunch from my DH.

He did however buy me two horses last year…

OP, posters are not recommending marriage because it is "the norm". They are are recommending it because too many women get financially fucked over when they have children by their partners.

I’m so glad mine sticks with flowers - which do make me feel spoilt. Horses would feel like a punishment!

Pro rata the household expenses, childcare, commute costs for both of you and start putting less in so you can save money.

Or go back to work full time and tell him he needs to stump up more childcare money and be available for his share of nursery and school pick ups and drop offs.
He can’t have it both ways.

He is only ending up with money over at the end of the month because he isn’t paying his fair share of the household expenses.

The fact that you can’t you are being shafted is so sad, OP.

In your shoes, I’d start working full time asap and make sure all childcare is paid from joint money, not your wages.

His savings are in his own account I bet 🙄

Do you live in his house or is the property in joint names

Yes! Truly frightening.

Depressing indeed. It is incomprehensible why people have this ridiculous arrangement. If you are truly a couple and parents to a shared child then you should have all the money in one pot with equal access.

In my case: joint account from day one, which paid everything - proportion from each fluctuated with changing work circumstances - but the principle that we could draw from it as we wished was always the same, because we trusted each other. We would consult each other over any major unusual expenditure.

I have read each and every response. Thank you all for replying. You're all right.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone that I had to ask to borrow money from.

if you live together, have a child together, all money is pooled together.

Begrudging you money is a nasty trait.

Of course you do.

You probably should do more of this if you work part time, but I'll bet a pound to a penny he comes out top in free time as well.

Why do you not want to get married? Are you aware of the protections it offers you?

And the number of women foolish enough to go along with this!

Is there a bang head against desk emoji?

does that savings account have your name? If not, it’s not your savings. It’s his. You are not legally entitled to any of it.

does he cover his income adjusted share of all child expenses? Does he pay his share of clothing? Does he pay for his share of trips to soft play, classes, your travel expenses while caring for the child? Did he pay his income adjusted portion of your maternity clothing or pads to catch postpartum bleeding?

or are most of the child expenses falling to you with your reduced earning power both from lower hours and by taking a job that allows you to provide all child care?

I’m really running out of patience for women who sleepwalk themselves into such ridiculous situations. All the information is out there on how to protect yourself, are we really this fucking stupid? No wonder men rule the world.

OP, you made the choice not to marry and protect yourself financially.
You made the choice to go part time AND become the household skivvy.
You made the choice to contribute to HIS savings, savings that you have no legal entitlement to or access to.
You made the choice to sacrifice your earnings.
You decided to have a child without getting a fair division of finances and labour agreed to first.

What do you expect? You’ve been a doormat. He doesn’t want to lend you money, and he doesn’t have to. If you want more money, go back to work full time. That’s the only option you’ve left yourself with. Should he be helping you out? Of course he fucking should, but you picked a selfish man to be with, so it can’t be a surprise to you.

Im sorry to be harsh, but you need to take responsibility for the choices you’ve made so that you can make better choices moving forward. You need to protect yourself and your child.

You are an established family. No vows perhbut it should still be an equal relationship with one family pot of all income used for all outgoings. Maintain a small personal pot each, perhaps with agreement about what that covers but otherwise everything should be shared.

You are saving him significant childcare costs. Your contribution is invaluable. It (and you) should not be cheapened by treating your input as of lesser value.

He is being selfish. You are disadvantage yourself.