Page 11 | Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

Ajaal · 2022-12-02T10:52:34+00:00

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time. We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money. Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

Lovetok · 03/12/2022 16:50

I’m in the same situation. We each contribute a percentage share of our wages to cover bills, but because I’m usually buying everything for the DC I have very little or nothing left at the end of the month. The difference is that I take any money I need out of the joint account as there is always an excess. DH uses any excess in his account to go into our offset savings account and pays for all groceries and holidays/days out or meals out.
Not ok for him to be unhappy about you needing money.

LaDamaDeElche · 03/12/2022 16:54

He’s gaslighting you about being bad with money. Trying to make you doubt your own sense of reality about this is reason enough to leave him. It sounds like you would be financially ok if you do. Go and live instead of just existing with this joyless, miserly prick.

sugarrosepetal · 03/12/2022 17:01

deeperthanallroses · 03/12/2022 13:56

What do you mean by suggest this? You aren’t a very junior underling to tentatively say what if we did this… and he says I don’t think so and you say ok and creep back under a skint rock.
You can however say our financial split isn’t working for me. Im not bad with money, im very careful with money because I have much less than you. I know you love me and baby (probably not true but a good way to say it) but you don’t seem to have paid any attention to the fact that you can earn more because I work part time to look after our child. I don’t see you volunteering childcare hours. From now on, some things will change. We are a family and I will buy presents from the joint account from our family. My rental income will go into my personal account just like your salary goes into yours, and with a fairer split of money between us I won’t have to ask you for any extra. Whcih is demeaning, and I’m done with being demeaned in my relationship.

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This!

butterfliedtwo · 03/12/2022 17:22

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 03/12/2022 16:30

What a drip feed.

You have an income and you voluntarily pay it all into the joint account that you feel like you can't take money back out of.

Don't be so daft, I have zero sympathy. Stop being a martyr.

Yeah, I don't get this either.

danblack87 · 03/12/2022 17:24

Ajaal if you are putting into a 'joint savings account' it needs to be in 'joint' names otherwise you will have no claim on that money - irrelevant how much you put in. I would open my open private one without his knowledge - without being married you are up 'shite creek' to be honest. This is not a fair relationship - you are being taken for a ride and as a fool. Believe me I know - try to get the money you equally put in to that bank account in his/her name AND believe me, IF he dies, you won't get a penny .... happened to me and we were together 16 years. If not married and bank account not in your name you will receive NOTHING.

Ibizamumof4 · 03/12/2022 17:30

I earn the most money in our relationship and therefore put more money in but also have more money spare. I don’t agree everything needs to be completely equal one person is allowed to have slightly more spends if they earn more. I tend to spend my spends, so to speak, on kids stuff and save towards things in the house. If we split everything equal there is no way my DH would do this and I know I would then resent him for spending the money in a way I didn’t agree with. for me there’s a compromise based on your circumstances some autonomy.

abs12 · 03/12/2022 17:49

How fucked up. OP why the hell should you be married?! How horrendously antiquated. I'm not in the UK anymore but where I am if you have lived together for two years, de facto, you are married in the eyes of the law when it comes to finances and if the relationship ends all assets are split 50/50. This goes some way to protecting women and children financially. Is it REALLY not like that in the UK?! That puts people in marriages they don't want to be in, and women and children at risk. Misogyny at it's finest.

OP he's being a dick. Begrudging you for a Christmas dinner, some you time?! You take money for it, and you go and have the best time. When you food shop, take extra money out as cash to make up the loss to your finances. You keep doing this and taking a little of your pay each week and keep it in a secret account. Do this forever. Or, all money, both sides, in a joint account. Now.

I really feel for you, being reduced to something you are not. You're worth a Christmas dinner and so much more x

ScreamingBeans · 03/12/2022 17:55

deeperthanallroses · 03/12/2022 13:56

What do you mean by suggest this? You aren’t a very junior underling to tentatively say what if we did this… and he says I don’t think so and you say ok and creep back under a skint rock.
You can however say our financial split isn’t working for me. Im not bad with money, im very careful with money because I have much less than you. I know you love me and baby (probably not true but a good way to say it) but you don’t seem to have paid any attention to the fact that you can earn more because I work part time to look after our child. I don’t see you volunteering childcare hours. From now on, some things will change. We are a family and I will buy presents from the joint account from our family. My rental income will go into my personal account just like your salary goes into yours, and with a fairer split of money between us I won’t have to ask you for any extra. Whcih is demeaning, and I’m done with being demeaned in my relationship.

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This.

He is exploiting your free labour. Don't stand for it, you've got one life. Just the one.

ScreamingBeans · 03/12/2022 18:04

The more I read about him the worse a parasite this man sounds

PrestonNorthHen · 03/12/2022 18:05

CourtneeLuv · 02/12/2022 11:21

Why?

Why wouldn't you want to protect yourself, and your child?

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Op owns another property. I would advise her Not to marry this man until this is sorted out.
If he's unwilling to see he's been unfair, don't get married.
He would be entitled to half

SuperCamp · 03/12/2022 18:08

Give him a bill for childcare.

FFS. He can earn full time only because you look after the baby.

Do not have another child with him while this is his outlook. Make this clear.

karendrury · 03/12/2022 18:30

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piesforever · 03/12/2022 19:16

Sexist pig!

marmitetoastie · 03/12/2022 19:27

Take it out of the joint account. Don't even ask next year. Start your own savings account and put £15 a week in. Keep quiet about it

xxxxxxxxxx

TheGamesThatPlayUs · 03/12/2022 20:07

I know you say you own the house jointly, but is your name actually on the title? If it's not, please get it on there asap.
His actions regarding money leave you in a very precarious position.

Purple52 · 03/12/2022 21:39

isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:57

Not another woman bringing up a child as her contribution to the family, and not getting equal access to family money. This must be the fifth post about this, this week

All money in one pot, equal personal spends. You have a shared child, and are sacrificing your future financially

I am so worried this is so common

Absolutely this!

we put all our money in one pot & have £100 each we don’t have to account to the other one about each month. (We’ve had £100 each a month for 20 years, we are discussing increasing it!)

id like to think it’s for buy each other presents! - but really he spends his in Greggs and I have my hair done occasionally! 😂

when the children were little he aren’t more than me. Then we were level. Now I earn double what he earns. It’s has NEVER effected what each of us does or spends as a proportion of our income.
when we had less we discussed more carefully before spending. Now we don’t need to discuss a new £20 light for the front garden, it could just be replaced, it all comes out of the same pot.
the previous conversations were never about permission to spend, but checking availability.

I don’t understand how you can share you life with someone and not share your finances, especially when it causes you to lead just financially unbalanced lives.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/12/2022 22:50

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:04

He believes that I am bad with money because I haven't saved as much as him. I've always saved as much as I reasonably can. I've never had any debts ever, I'm not sure where his idea comes from that I am bad with money.
And by borrow I meant I would pay the money back to him after my pay day.

Does he grasp that you can’t save as much as him because you don’t earn as much as him because he’s in full time employment and you are not?
Does he need it spelling out you’re working part time because you have a child.
Is your little one in nursery when you are at work? If so who pays for that or does he contribute? If he doesn’t then he needs to.
Who pays for your child’s clothing, toys, etc? Does it come out of the joint account or do you pay for it all?

Joyfuljolly · 03/12/2022 23:04

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/12/2022 22:50

Does he grasp that you can’t save as much as him because you don’t earn as much as him because he’s in full time employment and you are not?
Does he need it spelling out you’re working part time because you have a child.
Is your little one in nursery when you are at work? If so who pays for that or does he contribute? If he doesn’t then he needs to.
Who pays for your child’s clothing, toys, etc? Does it come out of the joint account or do you pay for it all?

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Of course he realises, he’s tight not an idiot. The your bad with money is just a line he’s using to justify his behaviour

Kattiekat · 03/12/2022 23:38

You should be putting an equal percentage into the pot.
on occasions such as Christmas and birthdays he should be giving extra.
he has a flipping cheek.
does he have any idea how much you are saving by working part time and not paying childcare?!
I work part time and my husband give me £200 a week. Because if I worked full time I would be earning double what I am now and we can bet that holidays clubs, breakfast clubs and after school clubs would be costing a damn sight more per year than what he gives me.
you need to put your foot down.
you aren’t married why do have a joint account?
you’ve got yourself into a pickle.

Welshmonster · 04/12/2022 02:39

Put less into the joint account or start paying your bills out of it eg petrol etc as that’s not being bad with money. If he is saving £400 then start doing the same. It’s not unreasonable if you are soooo bad with money that you take steps to change this. He won’t like it.

starray · 04/12/2022 02:56

You have to borrow money from your partner/husband?! That's shocking.

Talkingfrog · 04/12/2022 07:04

We both have our own accounts and put into a joint account which pays all the bills etc.

I went part time after our daughter but am nearly full time now. We adjusted the amount we pay so we have the same at the end of the month.

Money goes from that account to a credit union Christmas account, which funds gifts for family, joint friends and their children.

If the gifts are people you are close enough to be spending Christmas day with, they should be jointly paid for, not just by you.

If the friends thank dp for the gift, would he say it wasn't from him, or take the shared credit for giving it ?

VeganStar · 04/12/2022 11:35

I really don’t understand this at all.
when my DH was alive we had a joint account.
He claimed a sickness benefit which when he collected it from the post office, would come home and hand every penny over to me which went into my purse which was put into a drawer for us both when we needed it.
I had a part time job and my wages were paid into our account.
he’d ask me for money for his tobacco and he also put a bet on the horses a few times a week not much just a few pounds and if he won it would go into my purse.
all bills and shopping would be taken out of our joint account and any left was considered as both our savings. None of us were particularly big spenders so our savings mounted up. We just always thought of every penny that came into the house as ours.
It really makes me wonder how some people can be so at odds over who’s money is who’s when they’re supposed to be living as a partnership and in the same house eating the same food more or less and using the same energy.

beachcitygirl · 04/12/2022 13:00

VeganStar · 04/12/2022 11:35

I really don’t understand this at all.
when my DH was alive we had a joint account.
He claimed a sickness benefit which when he collected it from the post office, would come home and hand every penny over to me which went into my purse which was put into a drawer for us both when we needed it.
I had a part time job and my wages were paid into our account.
he’d ask me for money for his tobacco and he also put a bet on the horses a few times a week not much just a few pounds and if he won it would go into my purse.
all bills and shopping would be taken out of our joint account and any left was considered as both our savings. None of us were particularly big spenders so our savings mounted up. We just always thought of every penny that came into the house as ours.
It really makes me wonder how some people can be so at odds over who’s money is who’s when they’re supposed to be living as a partnership and in the same house eating the same food more or less and using the same energy.

If you both thought of the money as belonging to you both - why did he have to "ask you for money for tobacco" - how demeaning.