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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asked to borrow some money from DP over Xmas period

281 replies

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:52

Hi, me and DP have been together for 8 years. We have a 1 year old child and I work part time and care for our child, him full time.
We both pay into the joint account, him obviously more than me but I contribute what I can. After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses. This month I have nearly run out because of Christmas and buying people presents. I asked him if I would be able to borrow some money and then pay it back to him after pay day, so that I would be able to go out to my works Christmas dinner. He had a less that happy reaction to me asking for some money.
Am I being unreasonable? He seems to think I am living a life of some sort of luxury ..... which couldn't be further from truth

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 02/12/2022 11:22

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Just to add we are not married because neither of us has the desire to be married. Marriage isn't for everyone - I know it's the norm, but I've never desired a marriage or a wedding from ever since I was younger

You are naive in the extreme.

Like fuck would I put up with your set up...you are acting like his wife when he can't be arsed to marry you. He gets all the benefits of having a wife and you get none of the benefits of having a husband.

He holds all the cards.

deeperthanallroses · 02/12/2022 11:22

I don’t understand why any woman would do all the housework and cooking. What is the point of having a partner if you have to look after the whole house on your own? Single men have to eat and clean too.
you know this set up isn’t fair op. He puts you down so you don’t feel like you can demand changes. How old is your dc? I would start with having your dp doing MUCH more around the house and say I need the mental energy it frees up to consider upping my earning potential, since I can’t afford Christmas. Step 1 is dropping anything just for him, like a lead balloon. Including any meals you would prepare for his family for Christmas .ok dp we are going to your family on Boxing Day , I usually do a ham and a pudding, I’ve messaged your mum to say youre cooking it this year just to manage expectations. So don’t worry, they won’t expect a masterpiece.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/12/2022 11:23

Yes I do all the cooking, housework, child care etc

Nope I don't have access to it

How on earth did you get yourself into this situation?

You need to get a full-time job ASAP. He can sort out the christmas presents for his family... or are you doing that too?

User359472111111 · 02/12/2022 11:24

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 10:55

He's left with £400..... of which he does put a lot into savings for us.
I also did save what I could whilst I was working full time before we had my son. But I feel that he resents me for not being able to save currently.

Just to be clear, if you aren’t married, he’s not saving “for us” , he’s saving for himself, which he may choose to spend on you jointly.

Blossomtoes · 02/12/2022 11:25

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Then you’ll continue to be ripped off and will have no recourse when he disappears into the wide blue yonder with his savings accumulated at your expense. Marriage isn’t a wedding, it’s a legal contract that protects women like you.

Mirrorcell · 02/12/2022 11:26

If you have £150 a month left to pay for fuel and all other personal spends how can you be bad with money? You have no money to be bad with. You are not a magician!

Are you overdrawn? In debt?

Do you buy food from your £150? Ie milk and top up shops?

If you think you are bad with money write out your incoming and outgoing to the penny and we will help you work out if this is the case. Or whether you are living with a greedy mcgreedyson - of which there seems to be many.

I worked FT DH PT and we have joint accounts. I am by far the higher earner and I am fully aware he could contribute only a small amount so joint accounts but mainly used one each.

It’s easy to berate you for being crap with money but what does he mean crap with money?

Yesnoormaybe · 02/12/2022 11:26

Surely you must have known that he was a nasty selfish bastard before you decided to have a baby. Did you discuss how finances would work when you Would be working part time. As pps have said you need to work full time and he can pay half the child care. Then you need to ltb.

MulderSmoulder · 02/12/2022 11:26

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 11:18

Marriage is a legal contract that provides financial security for you, and your child.

You are 100% entitled to opt-out of entering into that contract, but you can’t then moan that it’s all unfair where you’re the one who has created and enabled this unfair set-up.

This man has no legal or financial connection to you. He doesn’t need to give you money.

Show quote history

Exactly. It’s unbelievable how many women buy into the idea that marriage is this fairytale nonsense, that they don’t need a bit of paper to prove commitment or love.

Then they have a baby, drop work & end up financially dependent on someone with no legal protection.

Could there be a connection between the men who don’t believe in marriage and the ones who don’t want to held fully responsible for the costs of procreating?

TrixJax · 02/12/2022 11:26

After paying the joint account, my phone bill, my car tax monthly payments I am currently only left with about £150 per month to live on which has to pay for my fuel and daily living expenses

I would consider all the above should come out of the joint account. They are all household costs which the family benefits from. Your phone is needed for nursery or childminder to contact you, car and fuel needed for family shop, ferrying DC around, commuting to work. These are all essential spends for your household.
So you both need to pay the same proportion of your salary into joint account eg 70% and pay everything out of that except PERSONAL spend like clothes for you, hair, nails, gifts, nights out. I would not class family car and petrol as a personal spend.

liarliarshortsonfire · 02/12/2022 11:26

I'd be telling him that you're going back to work full time as you can't afford part time and he's going to have to pay his % of childcare and 50% of all childcare, housework etc

Catflapping · 02/12/2022 11:26

Why do have a joint bank account if not to share money? With my DP all our wages go into our joint account and all our bills come out of it. DP earns 3x my wages. We have spending pots for different things and more long term spending and that comes out the joint account too. Whatever’s left it for us to spend as we see fit, we don’t ask about clothes and small treats,lunches and what not. If one of us wants to buy something big we’ll have a discussion about it, still not asking permission, but just a check that we think our finances are ok for it, e.g. DP bought a £500 BBQ on sale last month.
It sounds awful to have to ask for money, and doesn’t feel like a good base for a long lasting happy relationship either. I would have an open discussion about how this is making you feel. If you can’t have a comfortable discussion about money then I can’t really see you can be in a happy relationship. I would feel trapped.

DenholmElliot11 · 02/12/2022 11:26

He should have offered to pay for the meal for you for a treat. Just out of curiousity when was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

peaceandove · 02/12/2022 11:27

Why, why, why do women willingly put themselves in such a vulnerable position? Why on Earth have a child with someone when you clearly don't agree on how finances should be split.

Twenty years ago when I had DD1, we agreed I would work part time, but all our money went into a shared account, my name was on the mortgage and on our savings account.

I would never have had a child with DH if he wasn't happy with this.

Bookworm20 · 02/12/2022 11:27

You are not being selfish OP. He is.

You have reduced your working hours (and therefore pay) to look after your child (HIS child) and also do all the house stuff.

Yet his life has carried on absolutely as normal. No sacrifice for him anywhere in sight.

Money should be shared equally given that you are doing all the house stuff and childcare. Why should that leave you worse off financially? I bet if you suggested switching roles he'd think you were mad.

And you have no access to the savings. That is because they are his savings. So he gets to carry on his career, save loads of money, and this leaves you, the mother of his child, worse off.

So, who do you think is the selfish one here?

Tell him finances need to be shared. Or get yourself back to work FT and he can cough up half the childcare (although I suspect if you suggested that, he would say you'd have to pay it all because YOU want to return to work).

And he shouldn't be lending you some money to go on your xmas work thing. He should be giving it to you. I bet you he is going on his work xmas thing without a second thought.

SurpriseSparDay · 02/12/2022 11:28

JFC …

How are you ‘together’ - given the financial circumstances you describe.

And you’re deluding yourself about your own and your child’s security going forward. This is no partnership.

beachcitygirl · 02/12/2022 11:28

isthewashingdryyet · 02/12/2022 10:57

Not another woman bringing up a child as her contribution to the family, and not getting equal access to family money. This must be the fifth post about this, this week

All money in one pot, equal personal spends. You have a shared child, and are sacrificing your future financially

I am so worried this is so common

I literally couldn't agree with this poster more!

Young women doing this!

Give your heads a bloody wobble.

All FAMILY money into one pot. Set amount in different account for bills & food etc

Then what's left split EQUALLY in half.

You are working part time to bring up his child/children.

🛑 STOP being taking for a bloody mug .

NerrSnerr · 02/12/2022 11:29

Of course marriage isn't for him, why would it be when it works out well for him this way doesn't it?

You need to get back to working full time, make him pay his share and protect yourself.

NoSquirrels · 02/12/2022 11:29

Work out how much you would get paid for working FT, and how much childcare would then cost.

Then ask to sit down and go through household finances with him.

If you would be left with more money every month once you’d paid a share of the childcare and living costs in proportion to your income, then you can start the discussion about how you should get more money each month/contribute less to overall living costs because you are doing childcare and housework.

Bananarama21 · 02/12/2022 11:29

Hes financially abusive and by not being married you are not protected by law including savings and if the house is in his name regardless if you share a child.

Proudofitbabe · 02/12/2022 11:30

Unless he's actually also skint, he should GIVE you the money and wish you a great night out. Anything else is being a total tightwad. Why do people tolerate this, it's such an awful quality in a partner/father.

beachcitygirl · 02/12/2022 11:30

Ajaal · 02/12/2022 11:06

Then you're a bloody mug. Marriage protects women who go part time. You don't need the party or fancy ceremony but you (evidently ) need the protection of the law.

Marriage is a contract & it makes sure NOONE is left worse off should relationship end.

011899988I9991197253 · 02/12/2022 11:30

He gets all the benefits of having a wife and you get none of the benefits of having a husband.

This is such a great way of putting it, @Dacadactyl

beachcitygirl · 02/12/2022 11:31

More red flags than a communist parade.

honeylulu · 02/12/2022 11:32

Sigh. If marriage isn't for you, get a civil partnership fgs. Otherwise you're literally enslaving yourself to the bloke while he sits on HIS pile of cash. If he gets fed up and dumps you, you won't see any of it I bet.

There's nothing cool/ modern/liberated about that!!!

IncompleteSenten · 02/12/2022 11:33

You are being mugged off

You need to tell him that you are going to go back to work full time because you are absolutely sick of his attitude about money and you want financial security and independence.

And that of course this means he will be doing 50% of all things domestic and child related as well as paying half of childcare fees.

When he complains about that, suggest he outsource his share of responsibilities to you for a grand a month.

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