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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
Bodyisbuggered · 01/12/2022 16:33

I'd be going round and offering a cup of tea. Could be any reason but I couldn't hear someone be upset and not do something.

BumbleNova · 01/12/2022 16:33

I’d go round and offer her a cup of tea.

she sounds like she could do with a friendly face. Having a new baby is bloody hard without a horrible partner in the mix.

bravelittletiger · 01/12/2022 16:34

100% go round there. It's a bloody hard time having a newborn and she sounds like she needs some support.

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 01/12/2022 16:34

I wouldn't intervene now. Lots of 20-something couples fight like cat and dog, and the rows are is something and nothing. But keep an eye on it, listen out, see if it gets any worse, and see how much you can hear the baby crying and if the cry sounds desperate...

Me and DH had quite a few rows when we were in our 20s, and a lot when DD was under 18 months old. I would not have appreciated a neighbour coming around to find out what's wrong tbh.

Your heart is in the right place though, and that's just my opinion.

Dotingmumandgranny · 01/12/2022 16:34

Go round, ask if she's ok and put the kettle on.

LumpyandBumps · 01/12/2022 16:34

Could you go round on a pretext?
Checking if they received a parcel in error or something?
She might not answer of course but if she does it’s natural to ask if she is ok. She might be grateful to have someone to talk to.

MakeItRain · 01/12/2022 16:34

Go round with milk and teabags and ask if she wants a cup of tea. I guess you might want to keep out of it, but on balance it would be better to see if she's OK I think.

bravelittletiger · 01/12/2022 16:35

P.s I actually don't think it matters if she knows you can hear. If you can hear her then she will be able to hear you so she will know that's the case.

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 01/12/2022 16:35

Although... as pps have said, you could still knock her door and ask if she wants a coffee or tea with you. Don't pry though. Again JMO.

PreparationPreparationPrep · 01/12/2022 16:35

Could you do above and with a small gift for the baby. Then it doesn't seem too much like you are intruding. But could get your foot in the door - so to speak.

Whataretheodds · 01/12/2022 16:35

Take some biscuits round, ask if she fancies a cuppa.

There's also a lovely thing about asking if you can borrow some sugar, so it feels more balanced if the other person needs to ask you for help.

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 01/12/2022 16:36

Dotingmumandgranny · 01/12/2022 16:34

Go round, ask if she's ok and put the kettle on.

I don't agree with this. You can't just push your way into her home and 'put the kettle on.' Knock and ask if she wants a coffee at yours one day soon. Don't push your way in!

Greatbiggoldfish · 01/12/2022 16:36

Go round knock on the door and ask if she and baby would like to come back with you for a cup of tea . It’s tough having a new baby regardless of any issue with the partner

MummyofTw0 · 01/12/2022 16:37

Go on round and ask if she wants a cuppa

WaltzingWaters · 01/12/2022 16:38

just go over and generally make chit chat, ask if she wants a cuppa. You don’t have to say you heard her, just that you wanted to see the baby and check up on how she’s getting on.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:38

Yes @WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff I don't think she'd appreciate me knocking on when she's mid-sob and full of snot but I will try and speak to her next time I see her and ask if she's ok - we do have a good relationship as far as being neighbours go, our dogs love playing with each other and run in and out of our houses when we stand outside chatting (it's hilarious) and I've told her we're always happy to help if she's ever stuck for anything

I think I'll keep my ears open and see how it develops

OP posts:
Original poster
FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:40

PreparationPreparationPrep · 01/12/2022 16:35

Could you do above and with a small gift for the baby. Then it doesn't seem too much like you are intruding. But could get your foot in the door - so to speak.

I've already bought for baby, as soon as she brought him home Smile I like being on good terms with my neighbours

The elderly couple on the other side knocked the other night asking if DH could change a lightbulb for them - we're all really friendly

So I couldn't use baby as an excuse really, but I'm definitely keeping a close eye/ear

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 16:40

Can’t believe how many are telling you to go round, if a neighbour did this to me I would think nosey git, she’s in her own home is private she is obviously unaware you can hear, how embarrassing it would be to have a neighbour show up and ask what’s wrong! Bloody nosey

MrsThimbles · 01/12/2022 16:43

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

you were asking if you could do something and you were told yes, you could go round. You then decided you couldn’t. . Just why did you ask in the first place?

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:44

SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 16:40

Can’t believe how many are telling you to go round, if a neighbour did this to me I would think nosey git, she’s in her own home is private she is obviously unaware you can hear, how embarrassing it would be to have a neighbour show up and ask what’s wrong! Bloody nosey

I know, and if she is having problems with her partner, I don't want to be making anything worse, but I won't/can't just turn a blind eye

I'm genuinely not being nosey either, I am concerned for her and baby's welfare because there is a possibility she is in an abusive relationship and I would never just ignore that type of situation!

OP posts:
PreparationPreparationPrep · 01/12/2022 16:45

Oh good that other neighbours are looking out for them as well. Maybe she is exhausted especially if she doesn't have family around. I think it would be nice for you to pop round

SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 16:47

Couples argue, doesn’t mean he is abusive, you have no idea why she is crying, I honestly don’t believe the people on MN who actually claim they would knock on a neighbours door because they hear crying, no one would do that irl.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:48

MrsThimbles · 01/12/2022 16:43

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

you were asking if you could do something and you were told yes, you could go round. You then decided you couldn’t. . Just why did you ask in the first place?

Because it isn't a black and white situation is it?

For all I know she's watching a sad film and having a bit of a cry (and me going round would be beyond embarrassing)

Or her partner has given her a smack (in which case my going round would only make things worse)

Or, and heaven forbid, something has happened to baby (cos you just never know, cot death happens to 1 in 3000)

Forgive me for voicing my concern on an anonymous public forum - if you don't like it, scroll away

OP posts:
soundsofthesixties · 01/12/2022 16:49

I went round when I heard my young neighbour sobbing. She was just overwhelmed at the time with 2 young babies and had a row with her partner. She was really happy that I had knocked, had a good long chat and she felt much better. Mind you I'm the same age as her Nan, so perhaps that helped.

Thesearmsofmine · 01/12/2022 16:49

I wouldn’t knock and ask what’s wrong right now but next time you see her, invite her over for coffee, be a friendly neighbour who she can chat too and empathise about how hard it can be with a tiny baby.

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