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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
bellabasset · 01/12/2022 18:23

I wouldn't want to butt in either, you could always suggest she pops in for coffee or ask her if she'd like to pop out for lunch. She may well have PND, might have had to give up a career or alter plans to look after the baby. But so many are struggling financially and I think it's one of the hardest times I've seen in that food, energy costs, rents are so high.

Brightstarowl · 01/12/2022 18:27

I'd have to go round...

I'd offer help with the baby and a cup of tea (at mine if she fancied a change of scene!).

What have you got to lose?

She's young, being in a shitty relationship and having a young baby can be so very lonely....I still remember my dear neighbours who offered me tea, biscuits, advice and tissues when I was a lone young mum with a young baby in a new place I didn't want to be in.

Reach out OP.

Perinnialdreamer · 01/12/2022 18:27

I feel you should go around and check, life with a newborn baby is hard and sometimes it feels as if the whole world revolves around the baby. If she is mid-sob, she might choose to not open, but then you are giving her the choice, letting her make it instead of assuming how she might react. She doesn't know you can hear her right? She'd probably think you've just been paying a visit for something. If she opens, you could just say that you were heading to the shops and wanted to check with her if she wanted anything, knowing she's had a baby and it might be tough for her to get out to get stuff. People with newborns always need stuff. don't have to talk about her sobbing at all, just give her gentle strength that you're here.

MarrymeKeanu · 01/12/2022 18:33

I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d be knocking and gently telling her “When our Tv is off we can sometimes hear and I’ve just heard you crying and as one mum to another I just want to check you’re ok. Would you like to grab baby and come in to my house for a cup of tea?”

EweCee · 01/12/2022 18:34

I'd go round in the next day or so (workday though) under the pretext of her helping you ifswim e.g. saying something like '...when I work from home, I miss social interaction/ exercise (whatever) so if ever you need a break, or fancy a walk, or even me taking the baby out for a walk for you, just let me know'

If she is fine, she may not take you up on the offer. But if she isn't and doesn't want to admit or feel you are intruding/ listening, it opens the door in another way.

anythinginapinch · 01/12/2022 18:35

Risk of mild embarrassment versus potential for really helping someone - it's a no brainier to me. Sounds like you're on v good terms. Absolutely go round

PotterLottery · 01/12/2022 18:37

I think arguing 'a few times' especially with a newborn is nothing! Gosh when I think back to mine and DH's sleep deprived shouting with dd1 (sometimes even in the middle of the night 🙈) it seems a bit much to jump to her being abused?! Unless the shouting is particularly violent.

I remember walking up and down the living room, sobbing, with dd1 who cried all day and wishing one of my neighbours would somehow hear me come round and offer to hold her for 10 mins while I had a wee. That was in my real desperate moments. Id be tempted to knock on...

LadyFushia · 01/12/2022 18:38

You sound very kind and thoughtful. I'd pop my head round the door on a pre text, you can ask her if she would like to have a cuppa sometime. She may not share anything, but having some contact may help with some of what she's feeling.

I wish my neighbour was like you. Mine wrote me a threatening letter last week about the noise my disabled child makes, and one of the incidents she mentions in her letter I remember crystal clear as I was also sobbing.

Mabelface · 01/12/2022 18:40

Make some mince pies and pop them round with a Christmas card. Start from there.

FabFitFifties · 01/12/2022 18:45

I voted YABU - but I meant YABU to think you can't go round.

Branleuse · 01/12/2022 18:50

Id take her round a gin and tonic or a cup of tea and a chocolate bar.

RosaGallica · 01/12/2022 18:53

If it’s a friendly area surely a newborn baby is excuse enough to pop round and ask how things are going? Coo a bit and offer some general chat about how hard things can be with the cute little tyrants.

Nosleepforthismum · 01/12/2022 18:56

No need to go round tonight unless you hear anything escalate. As you say, she could be crying for any number of reasons. I think your plan of chatting to her when you next see is good or wait a couple of days and then pop round when her partner is out. Although I’d actually tell her I’d heard her crying the other night and say although you don’t want to pry, your door is always open for a cup of tea/chat/help whatever she needs. You sound a lovely neighbour OP.

oakleaffy · 01/12/2022 18:57

SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 16:40

Can’t believe how many are telling you to go round, if a neighbour did this to me I would think nosey git, she’s in her own home is private she is obviously unaware you can hear, how embarrassing it would be to have a neighbour show up and ask what’s wrong! Bloody nosey

Glad I don’t live in your area- It’s not nosiness to ask if a distressed new mother is OK

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 01/12/2022 19:06

pattihews · 01/12/2022 17:21

19 years ago I used to see a really sad-looking young woman walking in the lanes around my house with a young baby. I'd wave and say hello if we passed and wonder about her but did nothing. Then one day she seemed particularly tearful and unkempt and without thinking about it I asked her to come in and have a cup of tea. She ended up having a bath and washing her hair while I sat with the baby. She said it was the first break she'd had in weeks. She came round every few days for a couple of months until things improved.

She and her daughter send me a Christmas present every year. They moved away, but the daughter is at university an hour away from me and they've visited recently.

How lovely! Sorry I cant work out how to send flowers now. But sending you a bunch. You were very kind (in the proper sense of the word).

Prescottdanni123 · 01/12/2022 19:06

Absolutely nothing wrong with popping around to see if she is ok or inviting her over the next time you see her. She might enjoy a bit of friendly support and sympathy.

Is this the first time that you have heard her crying? If not, it might just be that she is having a bad day. Or maybe she has received some bad news unrelated to the baby that has upset her. I wouldn't automatically jump on the PND bus.

How bad are the arguments you've heard her have with her partner? Horrible blazing rows? Couples argue sometimes, it might be nothing to worry about. I don't know exactly what it is you've heard between them so I don't know whether you should jump on the abusive partner bus either.

If you chat to her a bit over the next few days/weeks she might open up a bit more.

PickyEaters · 01/12/2022 19:06

Hmm, I would be careful in this situation. Call me heartless but let's suppose:
(a) She is sobbing because she has serious depression or other problems. (Realistically what can OP do about this? A cup of tea isn't going to help; whe probably needs therapy and/or psychiatric medication.)
(b) She is highly strung and/or has emotional incontinence. (The cup of tea might console her but this will be a never-ending obligation.)
(c) Abusive relationship. (Again, realistically what is OP going to do about it? Offer this woman and her child a place to live? Beat up the husband?)…

I would be wary of getting involved.

CarefreeMe · 01/12/2022 19:10

Please don’t go round!

As someone who had PND my home was my safe space where I could cry and get away from the judgement of the rest of the world.

Even now I will sometimes come home and have cry and it’s good to get it out of my system but feeling like I couldn’t cry in my own home and that I had to put on a front would be absolutely awful!!

By all means get chatting to her when you see her and become friendly with her but do not go round, even if she’s not crying.

EastLondonObserver · 01/12/2022 19:11

Don’t go round. Making someone feel they have no privacy and their private business can be heard through the wall may well do more harm than good.

Layersoftaytoes · 01/12/2022 19:20

I think if you hear that again, absolutely go round and lend an ear/a shoulder/a hug. Postpartum is so tough, especially if family are far away AND struggling with a boyfriend. She might even just appreciate someone else holding the baby for a second as I imagine dad is back at work now.

i have 2 young kid and I feel like if someone overheard me crying I’d like to think/hope they’d come see if I was ok. I wouldn’t feel intruded. I’d feel grateful someone was there to pick me up when I needed it most ❤️

ICanHideButICantRun · 01/12/2022 19:21

So her partner wasn't in? What time would he normally be home?

If she's off work tomorrow and he's out at work, I would definitely go round then and ask if she wanted the baby minding while she had a bath or some time to herself. I really feel for her - it should be such a lovely time being that age with a partner and a new baby, but there are so many things that can make it feel like the end of the world.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/12/2022 19:22

MarrymeKeanu · 01/12/2022 18:33

I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d be knocking and gently telling her “When our Tv is off we can sometimes hear and I’ve just heard you crying and as one mum to another I just want to check you’re ok. Would you like to grab baby and come in to my house for a cup of tea?”

God this is awful. Nosey & patronising in one.

She's in her home. In private. She should be able to cry if she wishes, the idea of a neighbour deciding what is wrong with her is all kinds of wrong.

The other suggestions of checking in & arranging a coffee another time are good. OP you sound v kind.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/12/2022 19:23

It’s not nosiness to ask if a distressed new mother is OK

It is if she's in her own house & has an expectation of privacy!

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 01/12/2022 19:24

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:38

Yes @WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff I don't think she'd appreciate me knocking on when she's mid-sob and full of snot but I will try and speak to her next time I see her and ask if she's ok - we do have a good relationship as far as being neighbours go, our dogs love playing with each other and run in and out of our houses when we stand outside chatting (it's hilarious) and I've told her we're always happy to help if she's ever stuck for anything

I think I'll keep my ears open and see how it develops

Sounds fab! Smile

Nevermind91 · 01/12/2022 19:25

I would be going round and casually asking if they need anything, as you are popping to the corner shop. Or even pretending you've run out of tea bags, something like that.
No one could possibly be offended by that, and it would put your mind at rest and offer perhaps a timely reminder to your neighbour that there is a friendly face next door.
Hope all's well...