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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
jtaeapa · 01/12/2022 16:49

Hmmm I think I would not interfere.

a cup of tea is not going to fix anything.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 16:50

Personally I wouldn't go around. It's a nice thought but if I was her I'd be embarrassed that you could hear me and feel extra pressure to put a face on to make small talk.

Young couples fight, it's not a cause for concern at this point.

Squashpocket · 01/12/2022 16:54

The advice to go round on the pretext of asking her for something is a good one. It evens the playing field if she needs to ask for help or if you offer help, she'll feel more comfortable accepting.

Something like, oh I'm just in the middle of making a cake and realised I've run out of milk, do you have a cup? Oh by the way, how are you and little one etc etc...

Ivyruin · 01/12/2022 16:56

Why don't you go round with something and say it's a present for the new baby? And then start a chat? I was a young mum and my neighbour did this to me as she saw me upset in the garden once. I would of been mortified if she told me she saw me crying at the time, she told me years later though!

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2022 16:57

But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

If you're serious about wanting to help her during a heated argument, would it not be better to tell your DH and DSD what you're really going to do?

It might help to have an actual plan?

Mochatatts · 01/12/2022 17:01

Of you're on good terms and chat anyway why not knock on the door. Ask if she wants to come for a brew or go out for a coffee. Being a new mum is isolating and miserable at times. I would have appreciated a listening ear when all of mine were little. I don't understand why people don't look out for each other. It's not being nosey it's showing support.

Pjsandhotchoc · 01/12/2022 17:02

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2022 16:57

But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

If you're serious about wanting to help her during a heated argument, would it not be better to tell your DH and DSD what you're really going to do?

It might help to have an actual plan?

Agreed. If you don’t want to go round there when you think she’s home alone and sobbing (I wouldn’t either btw), you’re not going to barge in mid-row and pull the bloke from his house are you?
Discuss with DH and DSD what you’ve heard. Sounds weird but might be helpful to keep a basic log. Not “10:55 heard the kettle go one” kind of thing but maybe just note down dates if you hear any raised voices for example. And if any of your ever you hear what sounds like a physical fight, or property being damaged, call 999.

Iamclearlyamug · 01/12/2022 17:02

If it was me I'd knock the door and leave a little note on the mat asking if she was OK and I'd be there if she needed anything. Might leave my phone number too.

I'd find it really embarrassing if I was crying and my neighbour just dropped round

Dogscanteatonions · 01/12/2022 17:02

I wish to god one of my neighbours had done this when I was married years ago. My exh used to come home drunk and verbally abuse me for hours and hours, wouldn't let me go to sleep, would often keep me up till 4/5am when he eventually passed out. I'd often be sobbing in the morning when he'd gone off to work. I never told anyone but if someone had just asked if I was ok I think it would have. I was desperate for help but didn't know how to reach out.

goodness knows what your neighbour's situation is but I just wanted to say not everyone would be mortified or think you're being nosey

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 17:03

It's all gone quiet now and their car is gone

I'll just have to watch and listen and hopefully get a chance to ask her if she's ok without letting on that I heard her crying

OP posts:
GlassDeli · 01/12/2022 17:04

Make friends with her. Tell her you know it can get really tiring having a new baby, and you thought she might like some tea/biscuits. She may open up to you over time.

Georgeskitchen · 01/12/2022 17:05

Leave it until a day when you can't hear her sobbing and knock on to see if she fancies a coffee and a chat. I was alone with small children,threw out my arse of a husband and would have given an arm and a leg for a friendly face and a chat

gogohmm · 01/12/2022 17:06

I agree with others don't go when you hear her sobbing, instead on a pretext speak to her when she is not going to be embarrassed eg take home baked goods around - then ask her how it's going, lament how hard you remember it being (if you have birth dc, or how hard your dh says it was when dsd was young - giving her space to open up. Leave her with an open invitation to pop around if she needs anything, even a listening ear.

Montague22 · 01/12/2022 17:06

It’s awkward but I would go round today. Take a ready meal/cake as an excuse. Invite her for a walk or offer to watch the baby for an hour if she wants to nip out. Just break the ice somehow and then do it again.
I am always super protective with my babies but I used to leave my first with the elderly couple next door for an hour (not saying you are old), but I didn’t actually leave him with anyone else for months. I used the time for my own Dr appts or to wash my hair!

MrsThimbles · 01/12/2022 17:06

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:48

Because it isn't a black and white situation is it?

For all I know she's watching a sad film and having a bit of a cry (and me going round would be beyond embarrassing)

Or her partner has given her a smack (in which case my going round would only make things worse)

Or, and heaven forbid, something has happened to baby (cos you just never know, cot death happens to 1 in 3000)

Forgive me for voicing my concern on an anonymous public forum - if you don't like it, scroll away

Show quote history

Your reasons for justifying not going round are ridiculous.

she’s crying because she’s watching a sad film? You can laugh about you going round.

She’s a victim of domestic violence? All the more reason to go round even if you have to wait till her abuser goes out.

Her child has passed away? You won’t know till you go round and see why she’s crying and she might just need a hand to hold till family arrive.

And you didn’t voice concern. You started a nonsense thread and decided almost immediately not to take on board the suggestions from the majority that you could go round and see if she’s ok. And your ridiculous reasons for not going round have only highlighted just how ridiculous your post was in the first place.

Soothsayer1 · 01/12/2022 17:06

I would try to befriend her, not mention that you've heard her sobbing, but be a kindly and steady person that she can trust

BrightSaturn · 01/12/2022 17:06

I’m a mum of a new baby and I sometimes cry in my house because I feel overwhelmed and it’s hard with lack of sleep. I would be mortified if my neighbour came and knocked because they heard me crying. I call my family or friends for support.

a general chat when you see her would be better, invite her over for a tea if she wants to but don’t ask her what’s wrong or imply at all that you heard her crying. That’s my opinion anyway :)

PizzaPizza56 · 01/12/2022 17:06

Please dont knock and ask what's wrong, just ask her how she's getting on when you see her out and about. I cried a lot when my baby was really young and some neighbours came round to see if I was OK one afternoon. Now I'm out of the newborn fog I can see they were being kind but at the time it massively added to my feelings of failing and not being able to cope and I was terrified they were going to report me to social services for being a terrible parent.

Wrongsideofpennines · 01/12/2022 17:07

Find an excuse to go round. You bought too many packets of biscuits/too much milk/friend gave me a bottle of wine but I'm teetotal etc. Then ask to go in a see the baby and then offer to chat and generally be a good neighbour. Tell her your know what it's like with a newborn and if you can ever help by fetching shopping, watching him while she showers etc that you'd be glad to.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 17:07

Pjsandhotchoc · 01/12/2022 17:02

Agreed. If you don’t want to go round there when you think she’s home alone and sobbing (I wouldn’t either btw), you’re not going to barge in mid-row and pull the bloke from his house are you?
Discuss with DH and DSD what you’ve heard. Sounds weird but might be helpful to keep a basic log. Not “10:55 heard the kettle go one” kind of thing but maybe just note down dates if you hear any raised voices for example. And if any of your ever you hear what sounds like a physical fight, or property being damaged, call 999.

Show quote history

If I thought her and/or baby were in danger and could hear them actively arguing then I wouldn't hesitate to call the police and go round, and DH and DSD would both be right behind me

But hearing her crying through the wall (seemingly alone) isn't the same, and knocking on the door at that moment didn't necessarily feel like the right thing to do

OP posts:
BrightSaturn · 01/12/2022 17:08

PizzaPizza56 · 01/12/2022 17:06

Please dont knock and ask what's wrong, just ask her how she's getting on when you see her out and about. I cried a lot when my baby was really young and some neighbours came round to see if I was OK one afternoon. Now I'm out of the newborn fog I can see they were being kind but at the time it massively added to my feelings of failing and not being able to cope and I was terrified they were going to report me to social services for being a terrible parent.

we posted basically the same thing at the same time! I completely agree with everything you’ve said.

sometimes we just cry because it’s hard!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/12/2022 17:10

The strife and distress are damaging to the poor baby. I'd go around without hesitation. Don't say you heard her crying, just make some excuse about wanting to bring her some cake, or whatever, and check things out.

notanothertakeaway · 01/12/2022 17:10

PizzaPizza56 · 01/12/2022 17:06

Please dont knock and ask what's wrong, just ask her how she's getting on when you see her out and about. I cried a lot when my baby was really young and some neighbours came round to see if I was OK one afternoon. Now I'm out of the newborn fog I can see they were being kind but at the time it massively added to my feelings of failing and not being able to cope and I was terrified they were going to report me to social services for being a terrible parent.

I agree with this @PizzaPizza56

She should be able to cry in peace in her own home

But it would be kind to check in on her another time soon

HamBone · 01/12/2022 17:12

Why don't you make them something food-wise and drop it round later or tomorrow? Ask how she and the baby are, is there anything you can do as you know she must be exhausted, etc. Just knowing she can text you if she wants to would be lovely, given she doesn't have any family close by.

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2022 17:14

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 17:07

If I thought her and/or baby were in danger and could hear them actively arguing then I wouldn't hesitate to call the police and go round, and DH and DSD would both be right behind me

But hearing her crying through the wall (seemingly alone) isn't the same, and knocking on the door at that moment didn't necessarily feel like the right thing to do

Show quote history

But you won't be dragging anyone anywhere by their ear, so it's best to formulate a proper plan and let your DH and DSD know what it is.