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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
LocSeeTan · 01/12/2022 17:46

Just l lck het door and ask if she wants to come over for a chat and a cuppa. Its hard being a new mom. You'll not be seen as a nosey neighbour just a friendly one.
I struggled mentally and physically when I had my DC . Asked health workers at family centre for support and was told that I was doing a sterling job of caring for DC but inside I was dying.

Slothmomma · 01/12/2022 17:48

I'll forever be grateful for my old neighbour. She was retired and we lived in a semi. If she heard my newborn twins screaming blue murder (both had colic) in the day when i was home alone with them there would be a knock on the door and she'd be there and say "give one to me" and come in for a coffee and chat and help feed them. They are teenagers now and I've moved twice since but still take her a Xmas gift every year

niugboo · 01/12/2022 17:49

I would actually go round.

“hi. I remember how exhausting newborns are, you want me to wash up? Hoover? Cuddle baby while you nap? Come to mine for tea and close the door on house for a while?”

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 01/12/2022 17:51

I wouldn’t knock while she’s mid-cry, it’ll make her feel so self-conscious for future cries! I cried a lot post-partum. Seeing as you’re already on friendly terms, next time you see her I’d check in and offer practical help – would she like you to take the baby for a walk/watch him in the living room while she has a nap or just a break (if you’re up for that). If her family are far away then she may be very grateful! I would’ve been.

Lochjeda · 01/12/2022 17:51

I think you sound lovely op, I was going through a terrible time in my relationship with a baby at 20 and felt so lonely but wasn't ready to open up to friends and family. If my neighbour had come round and they were as nice as you, I'd of appreciated it.

JLQ1020 · 01/12/2022 17:53

As a FTM if that was me I would be a bit embarrassed but so grateful if you knocked.. Maybe could you say, I've bee bought a box of biscuits for Xmas and if she has time would love to know if her and baby are free to come in for tea and biscuits.
Then maybe if u have time make it a weekly or fortnightly thing? Even monthly just so she knows she has a friendly face.

You sounds like a neighbour I'd like to have.

Newlifestartingatlast · 01/12/2022 17:55

Greatbiggoldfish · 01/12/2022 16:36

Go round knock on the door and ask if she and baby would like to come back with you for a cup of tea . It’s tough having a new baby regardless of any issue with the partner

This, get her out of her 4 walls which seem to close in when you have new baby. Say she doesn’t have to stay long- just a change of scene

JudgeJ · 01/12/2022 17:56

SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 16:40

Can’t believe how many are telling you to go round, if a neighbour did this to me I would think nosey git, she’s in her own home is private she is obviously unaware you can hear, how embarrassing it would be to have a neighbour show up and ask what’s wrong! Bloody nosey

I'd feel like this too, I know that the current thinking is to 'share' but sometimes one wants to be left alone. My OH died at the very start of lockdown 1 and since things have recovered to some normality it's often been remarked that at least lockdown saved me froma stream of well meaning, in their own eyes, visitors!

Blossomtoes · 01/12/2022 17:57

pattihews · 01/12/2022 17:21

19 years ago I used to see a really sad-looking young woman walking in the lanes around my house with a young baby. I'd wave and say hello if we passed and wonder about her but did nothing. Then one day she seemed particularly tearful and unkempt and without thinking about it I asked her to come in and have a cup of tea. She ended up having a bath and washing her hair while I sat with the baby. She said it was the first break she'd had in weeks. She came round every few days for a couple of months until things improved.

She and her daughter send me a Christmas present every year. They moved away, but the daughter is at university an hour away from me and they've visited recently.

This is so lovely.

DillDanding · 01/12/2022 17:57

I’m another that can’t believe people are telling you to go round.

I would be really annoyed if a neighbour did this to me and I’d just think them nosey and interfering.

Schnooze · 01/12/2022 17:57

Take a Xmas card round and ask her if she’d like to come round for an Xmas cup of tea/drink as you’re missing the office Xmas spirit now you are wfh. Say no worries if she’s busy, or you can offer to take the baby for a walk or something so she can have a rest and you get a cute baby to coo over.

xmas is a good excuse. You can thedirectly ask her if she’s finding things hard as you remember how hard it is etc.

Noviembre · 01/12/2022 17:59

If you go around and he finds out, he'll make it worse for her. So don't. There's nothing worse.

Dibbydoos · 01/12/2022 18:00

Knock on. Def ask if she's OK. She probably knows you can hear them cos she'll have heard you.

YouTarzan · 01/12/2022 18:02

Jesus Christ can’t you even have a good cry in the privacy of your own home? That’s what I’d be thinking of someone came round.

Algor1thm · 01/12/2022 18:03

Bless her. But we've all been there haven't we? Crying from exhaustion and sleep deprivation with a new baby? Arguing a bit more than usual with our partner because of those factors as well? I'd be absolutely mortified if my neighbour came and asked if I was okay to be honest. I know your intentions are good but it would make me feel like I couldn't even cry in the privacy of my own home.

In terms of the arguing, you say you've heard them argue a few times, not every day. Presuming you're not hearing overt aggression, screaming or noises that make it sound like someone is being hurt or intimidated, please stay out of it. Couples are allowed to argue, it doesn't mean the situation is abusive. As others have said, young couples argue more than most (I certainly had a few heated arguments with boyfriends in my early 20s) and young parents often argue a lot too.

TheGander · 01/12/2022 18:03

pattihews · 01/12/2022 17:21

19 years ago I used to see a really sad-looking young woman walking in the lanes around my house with a young baby. I'd wave and say hello if we passed and wonder about her but did nothing. Then one day she seemed particularly tearful and unkempt and without thinking about it I asked her to come in and have a cup of tea. She ended up having a bath and washing her hair while I sat with the baby. She said it was the first break she'd had in weeks. She came round every few days for a couple of months until things improved.

She and her daughter send me a Christmas present every year. They moved away, but the daughter is at university an hour away from me and they've visited recently.

Amazing story. Well done! We need more of this.

FerryYaBerryLa · 01/12/2022 18:04

Maybe wait till a time when she’s not crying and pop round with some home made biscuits or something (or something else - that’s just what I would take). She might not want to see a neighbour she doesn’t know well while she’s upset but may well appreciate a bit of support and neighbourly contact generally.

Lifeomars · 01/12/2022 18:05

I wish I had a neighbour like you, I was sobbing nearly all day on Tuesday as there is so much that is going wrong in my life right now. But anyway, back to your concerns. It sounds as if you already have a relationship with her so it is just a question of building trust and letting her feel that she could call on you for help if she wants to. I remember being an absolutely desparate single mum alone with my baby after my husband had left and crying for hours on end. My downstairs nighbour knocked on my door and was such a comfort to me, she couldn't make things better but just having the space to talk helped so much

Allthingsbrightandbeautifulx · 01/12/2022 18:09

Fleurdaisy · 01/12/2022 17:22

Put a card through the door ? You could have a little present for the baby ( 1st Christmas) would she like to come round for coffee?

This was what I would suggest too.
I got 3 babies 1st Christmas tree decorations from different neighbours. 1 just posted it as we had only given each other polite hellos, the others knocked and came in for a play with baby and a cuppa.

Snnowflake · 01/12/2022 18:11

I was miserably lonely with new baby DD - moved due to DH's work and he worked 12 hour days. I'd have loved someone to talk to.

BigglyBee · 01/12/2022 18:12

Since you already know her, and are on friendly terms, I think it would be nice to invite her round for tea. When I was a young mother with PND, not one person helped me- not healthcare professionals, not neighbours and certainly not family. It would have made such a difference if just one person had stopped for a few minutes and talked to me.
I wouldn't mention the crying, but inviting a neighbour round is perfectly normal, and she can always say no. But it might be the one bit of kindness that helps her get through a difficult time.

BiscuitLover3678 · 01/12/2022 18:15

I wouldn’t admit that you’d heard but just go round and say Hi hope you’re ok, must be so hard with a new baby and thought you’d like some xxxxx (some kind of biscuits, tea whatever)

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2022 18:15

Her baby is barely 2 months old. I did a lot of crying when mine were that age, it was actually a healthy release.

I would've been mortified if I thought my neighbours could hear me and doubly so if they let me know about it!

Jellykat · 01/12/2022 18:17

I'd be going round in the next couple of days to ask how shes getting on with having a new baby, telling her how hard i remember it is, and saying if she ever needs a bit of adult company or a natter give me a shout.. the offers there if she needs it..
My neighbours helped me out when DS2 was little, and i was so grateful just to know they were there, others may not appreciate it, but if you offer its up to her.

Snnowflake · 01/12/2022 18:18

I would've been mortified if I thought my neighbours could hear me and doubly so if they let me know about it!

I'm surprised at this - surely the difficulties of early days with a new baby are recognised now as is pnd. No need to be mortified.

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