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Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
Original poster
FooFighter99 · 02/12/2022 19:14

Just got home from work, their house is in darkness

I’m going to keep an eye out and try and stage a “bumping into her” scenario next time I see her 🤞🏻👍🏻

I will try and get her into a conversation and see where it takes us.

I have already told her I’m here if she ever needs anything. She had a difficult birth and was in hospital for about a week, I was constantly on the lookout for her coming home so I could meet baby and give her the gift I’d bought 🤣

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate having you all as a sounding board

OP posts:
Mama1209 · 02/12/2022 19:42

I think I’ve explained exactly what I mean here very well. If your concerned enough to post something like this, you need to notify someone and not get involved as it could backfire! Doing nothing is not an option either for reasons mentioned above. Not sure what’s “awful” about that?

parry45 · 02/12/2022 19:44

Such a sad situation. From past experience living with a horrible partner, my neighbour came round the next day after a row and it made things alot worse for me. Something to bear in mind.

BeatletteForever · 02/12/2022 19:49

I've got a fairly young baby and I've cried because he wouldn't sleep kept crying etc. Especially in the early days and when my husband was in work and I was on my own.If one of my neighbours came in to check on me I would've been so grateful. She may be grateful for someone to talk to or help.

YorkshireRog · 02/12/2022 19:49

I just had a baby and one of my neighbours has dropped things in three times. And I wasn’t sobbing!

She just said you have a new baby and so I am taking the pressure off here is eg a pie.

It was lovely of us and I didn’t think it was weird. I just think, as she does, that community matters.

get her an M&S pie and knock on the door and say you know it is hard as a new mum so you wanted to check in and see if she was ok.

EstherGreenwood19 · 02/12/2022 20:02

We need a village to bring up a child, it’s not a sinister thing to just knock and say hi. Take her a coffee. Honestly I was so mad lonely when I had my daughter. And everyone keeps themselves to themselves.
people saying report the rows etc and ‘intervene’ are quite alarming - now that would have bothered me. People argue ffs. However just being a new friend to her is everything at that stage of motherhood.

Justbefair · 02/12/2022 20:03

You don't have to tell her you heard this, just go round and maybe be in a bit of need yourself and just say you were feeling a bit pent up and wondered if she fancied a coffee/of evening wine? X

user1493559472 · 02/12/2022 20:17

Please go and check on her.
I am a Health Visitor and it sounds like it maybe postnatal depression but it could be domestic abuse.
Offer to go for a walk with her and baby she may open up to you. Good luck x

IndiaRose22 · 02/12/2022 21:30

Could you buy baby a little Christmas present? Or mum a 'Baby's First Christmas' bauble? And when you take it round just ask if she'd like a brew sometime as you'd appreciate having someone to chat to from time to time and get her number?

Elisi · 02/12/2022 21:59

I'd just be honest. Knock on the door, say you've heard crying and you just wanted to make sure everything was ok

Cantseethewindows · 02/12/2022 22:11

OP, can I just say how lovely you are? When we brought our second baby home in the middle of a winter COVID lockdown our downstairs neighbour started slamming her doors as soon as our eldest cried for longer than a minute or two. I was absolutely depressed from having a lockdown baby and she must have heard me crying and shouting I hated my life. Her reaction was to insult our children and begin a bullying campaign. Absolute bitch! Your neighbour is lucky to have you, irrespective of what you do now. You're so understanding and sympathetic.

retirementrocks · 02/12/2022 22:24

Perhaps a note/card through the door to say hi and it is fucking hard being a new mum so talk to me or whoever is offering support.
Having a baby really sorts out the wheat from the chaff,
doesn't it?

Natenno · 02/12/2022 23:38

OP you sound like such a lovely neighbour. You both sound on friendly terms already, so maybe next time you cross paths ask if she fancies a coffee, see if her and the baby fancy a change of scene at yours for an hour or so? Or could you take the dogs for a walk?

Obviously all couples argue so after a couple of incidents i think best to not intervene, if my neighbours called after id had a cry id be mortified.. Most of us cry and feel like crap after having a baby me and my DH argued a lot, because its bloody hard!! Having said that, if arguments or tears become more frequent then its a red flag. But theyre probably both exhausted and overwhelmed.

DixonD · 02/12/2022 23:43

SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 16:40

Can’t believe how many are telling you to go round, if a neighbour did this to me I would think nosey git, she’s in her own home is private she is obviously unaware you can hear, how embarrassing it would be to have a neighbour show up and ask what’s wrong! Bloody nosey

I, on a personal level, would agree with this. If I were in a bit of state for whatever reason, there’s no way I’d answer the door to a neighbour (or anyone).

Plumnora · 03/12/2022 00:51

Please knock and ask if she’s ok. A long time ago I had a neighbour like this- it was very obvious she was in an abusive relationship but I didn’t realise he was hitting her. They had a young child.

I often thought about popping round to say hello and check she was ok but like you I thought it would be intrusive so I didn’t.

Then she tried to kill herself. Luckily she didn’t succeed but it was a wake up call for me. Never ignore your concerns. She may be absolutely fine but you may be helping more than you realise if you do reach out.

Innachu · 03/12/2022 07:49

Maybe offer to take her dog out, just say that you know how tough it must be with a new baby..
when we had a newborn every normal chat or a cup of tea (even out of the blue) would have been extremely welcome!
you always have your hands full and my teas whenever I managed to make one would all end up cold without anyone around to help

LornaaMb · 03/12/2022 08:14

I understand it’s awkward but there’s so much evidence about how talking to someone who is low can make all the difference. There’s lots of adverts out just now about it - the simple ‘how are you ‘ and checking if person says the usual‘I’m fine’. If she has PND the stigma surrounding this is higher from the person themselves and often families / society. People with PND are also at higher risk of poor outcomes.
I’m answering a bit late but I think a gentle hello and seeing how she is a good thing.

its true she may decline invite for coffee but then a rain check offer can be made. Good luck 🤞!

Brackensmomma · 03/12/2022 08:49

@FooFighter99
You sound a lovely caring person I'm sure your neighbour would appreciate you dropping by. Especially after you've already given baby a present..
It's so sad that she's alone when she could really do with her family.
But a good friend would be a good substitute I'm sure.
Please keep us all updated on what happens next.

Badunkadunk · 03/12/2022 09:10

I’m not going to vote as that doesn't seem appropriate. But what I would do is reach out to her, maybe pop round with something for the little one? You don’t need to interfere or fish or ask if she is okay. What she needs to know is that there is someone nearby who she can go to when she wants to talk. So I’d just start off by being a nearby friendly face. It’s better to regret having tried to do the right thing and having it thrown back in your face than regret doing nothing at all.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 03/12/2022 09:13

Cantseethewindows · 02/12/2022 22:11

OP, can I just say how lovely you are? When we brought our second baby home in the middle of a winter COVID lockdown our downstairs neighbour started slamming her doors as soon as our eldest cried for longer than a minute or two. I was absolutely depressed from having a lockdown baby and she must have heard me crying and shouting I hated my life. Her reaction was to insult our children and begin a bullying campaign. Absolute bitch! Your neighbour is lucky to have you, irrespective of what you do now. You're so understanding and sympathetic.

Thank you @Cantseethewindows 🥰

I’m so sorry you had awful neighbours! I can’t understand that mentality at all. I’ve always been on great terms with my neighbours, from being a little girl, everyone in our street knew each other and looked out for one another (still do!). Even the smack head/schizophrenic guy DH and I lived next door to years ago would take parcels in for us 🤣 bless him

They haven’t been home so I’m assuming she stayed at her mums last night, I don’t actually know what her partner does for a living but I think it’s some sort of manual job (like builder or plumber maybe)

Like I’ve said, I’ll keep an eye out for her and try to stage a conversation and see where it leads. Don’t worry, I won’t be ignoring the situation

OP posts:
Badunkadunk · 03/12/2022 09:16

And if I were you, next time you hear her crying and you know he’s not there, go round and ask her straight out if everything okay because you can hear that she’s upset.

Stewball01 · 03/12/2022 09:50

Go round.

Fremdschämen · 03/12/2022 10:04

Brackensmomma wrote:

"...It's so sad that she's alone when she could really do with her family.
But a good friend would be a good substitute I'm sure.
Please keep us all updated on what happens next."

Let's not forget that the subject of this thread is (presumably) a real person who might conceivably be a reader of MN, if not now, at some point in the future and might recognise herself from the OP's descriptions here on MN or from snippets of posts in Google links.

She may or may not have an abusive or "horrible" partner. She may or may not be struggling with PND. She may of may not be in a situation that needs monitoring by concerned neighbours for past, current or future domestic abuse.

But whatever her situation, this is not a soap opera and although I'm sure you mean well, your "Please keep us all updated on what happens next." does come across somewhat as an intrusion on this individual's privacy.

FerryYaBerryLa · 03/12/2022 10:21

@Fremdschämen

I always think the same when people ask to be kept updated on the next instalment.

Sandra1984 · 03/12/2022 10:32

@Fremdschämen But whatever her situation, this is not a soap opera and although I'm sure you mean well, your "Please keep us all updated on what happens next." does come across somewhat as an intrusion on this individual's privacy.

The initial thread was already an invasion of privacy on an individual, fact is most threads on mumsnet are, MN thrives on stories about second parties who’ve no idea they’re being talked about. OP is concerned about her neighbour and rightfully so, we the posters are concerned too hence an update on the situation would be nice. As long as no identifying details are posted I don’t understand the “invasion of privacy” pearl clutching attitude from some who seem to enjoy reading about others and then complaining about it. If we could not write about others MN wouldn’t exist. Again, there’s no identifying details about this crying woman and she could be in any country.