Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
cookiecreammmpie · 01/12/2022 17:15

It's a hard one because as much as I hate the thought of someone distressed and needing help, if it was me that was upset, I'd feel embarrassed that someone had heard me crying in when I thought was the privacy of my own home. The other day I was crying over the recent death of a family member and I would have hated to explain that to a neighbour. If you feel you need to go round then do but be prepared in case you don't get the reaction you expect.

pattihews · 01/12/2022 17:21

19 years ago I used to see a really sad-looking young woman walking in the lanes around my house with a young baby. I'd wave and say hello if we passed and wonder about her but did nothing. Then one day she seemed particularly tearful and unkempt and without thinking about it I asked her to come in and have a cup of tea. She ended up having a bath and washing her hair while I sat with the baby. She said it was the first break she'd had in weeks. She came round every few days for a couple of months until things improved.

She and her daughter send me a Christmas present every year. They moved away, but the daughter is at university an hour away from me and they've visited recently.

geraniumsandsunshine · 01/12/2022 17:21

@FooFighter99 have you got children? If so, you can go round and say you know how hard it is and you'd love to have her round for a piece of cake and a cuppa and that you are happy to walk the baby round the block

Fleurdaisy · 01/12/2022 17:22

Put a card through the door ? You could have a little present for the baby ( 1st Christmas) would she like to come round for coffee?

geraniumsandsunshine · 01/12/2022 17:22

jtaeapa · 01/12/2022 16:49

Hmmm I think I would not interfere.

a cup of tea is not going to fix anything.

I disagree. Talking can be a great help and knowing that someone cares can lift you.

AuntyPeanut · 01/12/2022 17:23

@pattihews you're an angel!

Cantstandbullshit · 01/12/2022 17:23

BumbleNova · 01/12/2022 16:33

I’d go round and offer her a cup of tea.

she sounds like she could do with a friendly face. Having a new baby is bloody hard without a horrible partner in the mix.

And you automatically conclude that her partner is horrible? You got all that insight from the opening post?

MarmiteMama17 · 01/12/2022 17:25

I used to be this girl, please go and check on her

Teaandtoast35 · 01/12/2022 17:26

I cry a lot at the moment OP as I have lost children recently. I get upset if someone comes round or hears me, even close family sometimes because I feel so low and it just makes me feel worse to have someone there. I feel like I have to feel better for them. I’d not go round now but go over, introduce yourself, take some cake, make a friend of her and tell her it’s so difficult to have a new baby etc and let her know you’re there.

MsCactus · 01/12/2022 17:28

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

I was once drunk arguing with my bf (now husband) when I was about 20, sobbing and shouting about nothing really.

A man knocked on the door to 'check if I was ok' and I'll be honest I was totally mortified. The last thing I'd want to know is that a neighbour is listening to me crying in my home.

Everyone argues - but that intrusion into my personal space would make me feel awful. I'd feel like I could never cry in my own home again without you coming over.

JMO tho, others might feel differently

MadameMackenzie · 01/12/2022 17:30

OP I’ve been in precisely your neighbour’s situation and would’ve loved it if my neighbour came to see if I was ok when I was spending days doing nothing but sobbing my heart out. I was so bad that my Mum had to take baby for 4 days once when my DH died. (It was an abusive marriage but I was still devastated). I had NOBODY and nobody seemed to care. My mum was great and took the baby but no emotional support whatsoever. None of my friends cared. I was so lonely. So with that in mind, I vote for knocking this evening and asking if there’s been a parcel delivered. Just to make sure she’s ok now

Dissuadepersuade · 01/12/2022 17:31

I would take around a box of chocolates, just say you're not keen on them and thought she might like them..if it's someone like me and you eveb hint at knowing she's upset that'll make her bottle up even more.

At least it gives you the chance to make conversatid

Ringmaster27 · 01/12/2022 17:32

Personally, I’d knock up something quick and easy -flapjack or something, knock round and say you made way too much and thought she might like some. Make general chit-chat, ask after the baby, and let her know you’re there to chat and have a cuppa if she ever fancies it because you remember what it’s like to be drowning in everything “baby” when they are so little.
I’d have massively appreciated it if one of my neighbours did that. I remember one day, having an awful day with 16 month old DD1, 3 week old DS, ExH had deployed to Iraq for 6 months the week befor and I was totally overwhelmed. My health Visitor showed up for an appointment I’d totally forgotten about, and as soon as she walked in I just sobbed and got it all off my chest. Never appreciated a cup of tea more than the one she made me that day 🙌🏻

pattihews · 01/12/2022 17:33

AuntyPeanut · 01/12/2022 17:23

@pattihews you're an angel!

No, I just saw her and the words 'Do you fancy coming in and having a cup of tea with me?' came out of my mouth. I don't understand why so many people go to extraordinary lengths to avoid connecting with other people.

OP, I'd engineer a bumping-into incident, reminisce about how hard you found the early days with your daughter and suggest she comes round for a cup of tea.

HolidaysAreComin · 01/12/2022 17:33

All this pop round and put the kettle on, it's real life not coronation street. I'd find it very intrusive if a neighbour knocked on my door and asked to come in to have a brew, that's without being upset. Our neighbours are lovely, we've lived here over 8 years but none of us go into one another's house, we are neighbours not best friends. I'd assume you were the street gossip who has come to be nosey I'm afraid. I'd leave them to it, people argue and having a baby puts a strain on the best relationships, I'd not want the nosey neighbour on my doorstep.

Bimblybomeyelash · 01/12/2022 17:33

I think knocking on the door would be intrusive. You already seem
like you are a friendly and approachable neighbour. If she is in trouble she knows that you are only next door. I would simply carry on as you are. If you think things escalate, then I would approach her to offer help, but noisy rows and tears is not necessarily a sign of an abusive relationship.

AuntyPeanut · 01/12/2022 17:36

Don't knock on her door when you hear sobbing, it's her home she's allowed privacy.
But if you see her around offer an open invitation to YOUR home or to go out for coffee. Her home might not be tidy if she's struggling and it might do her good to change the scenery. Don't just knock and go in it's so rude.

Entwifery · 01/12/2022 17:37

I would be absolutely mortified if my neighbor came round because they heard me crying. I probably wouldn't answer the door, nevermind let them in to put on the kettle.

SkylightSkylight · 01/12/2022 17:39

SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 16:47

Couples argue, doesn’t mean he is abusive, you have no idea why she is crying, I honestly don’t believe the people on MN who actually claim they would knock on a neighbours door because they hear crying, no one would do that irl.

@SpinningFloppa ok YOU wouldn't go around & you wouldn't want anyone to knock in yours. Maybe one day you'll see things differently. BUT whatever you think, stop accusing people of lying. We don't all think like you!!

@FooFighter99 we have a good neighbourhood group. We're not all in & out if each other's houses, but we look out for each other and we all know we can ask if we need help. No one takes the pee, but we've all be there for each other at one time or another.

Depending on which one of my neighbours it was I'd either go around if I heard them crying or go in the next day or so. If one had a partner like yours does, I'd definitely check that she's ok.

bingoitsadingo · 01/12/2022 17:40

I would be HORRIFIED if a neighbour came round because they heard me crying. By all means be friendly if you see her or invite her round another time, but absolutely don't go over in the moment. It's so intrusive.

TheVanguardSix · 01/12/2022 17:41

pattihews · 01/12/2022 17:21

19 years ago I used to see a really sad-looking young woman walking in the lanes around my house with a young baby. I'd wave and say hello if we passed and wonder about her but did nothing. Then one day she seemed particularly tearful and unkempt and without thinking about it I asked her to come in and have a cup of tea. She ended up having a bath and washing her hair while I sat with the baby. She said it was the first break she'd had in weeks. She came round every few days for a couple of months until things improved.

She and her daughter send me a Christmas present every year. They moved away, but the daughter is at university an hour away from me and they've visited recently.

What a beautiful and heartwarming read. ❤️

PorridgePowered · 01/12/2022 17:41

I wouldn't pop round whilst she is crying. It might put her off, but why not invite her round for a mince pie at some point soon. You can go from there.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/12/2022 17:43

If this was me I'd be baking the good biscuits and popping round with some to see how she is.New parenthood can be brutal.

SpinningFloppa · 01/12/2022 17:44

SkylightSkylight · 01/12/2022 17:39

@SpinningFloppa ok YOU wouldn't go around & you wouldn't want anyone to knock in yours. Maybe one day you'll see things differently. BUT whatever you think, stop accusing people of lying. We don't all think like you!!

@FooFighter99 we have a good neighbourhood group. We're not all in & out if each other's houses, but we look out for each other and we all know we can ask if we need help. No one takes the pee, but we've all be there for each other at one time or another.

Depending on which one of my neighbours it was I'd either go around if I heard them crying or go in the next day or so. If one had a partner like yours does, I'd definitely check that she's ok.

Show quote history

Well it looks like it’s not just me who would find this mortifying and intrusive, like someone else already said it’s real life not a soap!

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 01/12/2022 17:44

Cooke her something and take it round on the pretext of sleep deprivation/being neighbourly.

If she wants support or is open to conversation, it would give you a way in, perhaps?