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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can hear my neighbour sobbing...

263 replies

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 16:30

And I feel terrible, but I can't do anything - can I?

She's a young (23ish?) new mum who lives with her partner. Baby was born in October. Her family are all in a different town about 1hr away (I think)

And I'm pretty sure I've heard them arguing a few times since they moved in

I'm WFH today and sat in the living room and I can hear her sobbing through the wall Sad Sad Sad

It would be totally inappropriate to knock and ask if she's ok, because then she'll know we can hear them (only when the tv is off though). But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

It could be PND, or something else (I do hope baby is ok)

WWYD???

OP posts:
Layersoftaytoes · 01/12/2022 19:25

PickyEaters · 01/12/2022 19:06

Hmm, I would be careful in this situation. Call me heartless but let's suppose:
(a) She is sobbing because she has serious depression or other problems. (Realistically what can OP do about this? A cup of tea isn't going to help; whe probably needs therapy and/or psychiatric medication.)
(b) She is highly strung and/or has emotional incontinence. (The cup of tea might console her but this will be a never-ending obligation.)
(c) Abusive relationship. (Again, realistically what is OP going to do about it? Offer this woman and her child a place to live? Beat up the husband?)…

I would be wary of getting involved.

All of those things can absolutely be helped by showing support?
a) if she’s depressed - this could be the first step to getting a GP appointment/therapy. Sometimes all it takes is to realise people will listen and will help. It’s a nudge in the right direction.
b) if this is the case and it gets too much, the OP can take a step back. She’s an adult.
c) what ridiculous suggestions? The person who posted this could direct her to charities and support groups who can help? Lend her some emotional support for 5 bloody minutes? To use the excuse “she’s being abused? So, what does she want me to do about it? Beat up her husband?” Is a truly bizarre, uncaring way to look at a situation like that. I hope you don’t work in a sector that requires you to provide off-the-cuff help.

sweetbambi · 01/12/2022 19:27

I would try find some kind of an excuse to pop over and check on her. I did when I noticed my next door neighbour had been keeping herself to herself and was not texting like she usually would for any Christmas wishes. I went to see her and she was doing so badly and through helping her through a tough time. I gained a friend and she now knows I am just a text away. you sound so kind and I am sure she would appreciate someone reaching out.

Layersoftaytoes · 01/12/2022 19:28

soundsofthesixties · 01/12/2022 16:49

I went round when I heard my young neighbour sobbing. She was just overwhelmed at the time with 2 young babies and had a row with her partner. She was really happy that I had knocked, had a good long chat and she felt much better. Mind you I'm the same age as her Nan, so perhaps that helped.

This!! ❤️ I think sometimes people just need that reassurance. I myself wouldn’t find it intrusive. I’d find it warming whilst feeling at- very low point. As humans we spend our lives walking past one another, mindin our business never smiling at strangers, it’s all very cold interactions. To have someone overhear me upset and check im ok, would really help

Saxiee · 01/12/2022 19:29

But I do worry about her and have told DH and DSD(22) that if I hear them arguing and it gets heated I'll be going round and dragging him out by his ear!

Why assume it's his fault?

I've had plenty of arguments with men in my time that I instigated.

But, no, I wouldn't knock. Because I wouldn't want someone to come and check and me if I were crying in my own house. I'd be annoyed and feel like I can't even cry in peace without someone getting involved.

5128gap · 01/12/2022 19:31

I'd go. Making sure she and the baby are OK trumps any social embarrassment it might cause. I'd rather be thought of as interfering and intrusive than think of a young woman in prolonged distress for what could be one of many serious reasons.Just knock, say you can hear her crying and does she need help.

Hidingawaytoday · 01/12/2022 19:32

One of the nicest things anyone did for me after DD was born, was my neighbour (also on mat leave) who messaged me on DH's first day back at work saying her DH had seen him leave for the office that morning and did I fancy grabbing a coffee. She remembered the first day she'd been alone on mat leave and wanted to make sure I had company if I needed it.

So, I don't think you should mention the crying/arguing but do think you could pop round with some mince pies/invite her out for a coffee, one mum to another, just so she knows you're there.

Duttercup · 01/12/2022 19:33

Completely against the grain but I would be absolutely mortified if someone came round because I was crying in the privacy of my own home.

Suzi888 · 01/12/2022 19:36

I would be mortified if someone knocked my door mid cry (though, thinking about it I probably wouldn’t answer!).
Yes the walls may be thin, but she might have thought it was a quiet cry.

L0bstersLass · 01/12/2022 19:38

FooFighter99 · 01/12/2022 17:03

It's all gone quiet now and their car is gone

I'll just have to watch and listen and hopefully get a chance to ask her if she's ok without letting on that I heard her crying

You don't need to let on that you didn't hear. I think you should tell her, and let her know that you're there for her.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2022 19:42

Could you go round to 'borrow' an egg, sugar, a pair of pliers? If she has a tear-stained face maybe just say "You ok, <name>?" with no mention of hearing anything and let her take it from there. She can either say "Sure, I'm fine" or use it for an opening to ask for help or just talk and release some tension.

Isahlo · 01/12/2022 19:44

Could you pick up something like a book advent calendar and take it for baby? Or similar or a cheaply advent calendar for them and say, people don’t get you advent calendars when your the mum or something

CarefreeMe · 01/12/2022 19:44

You don't need to let on that you didn't hear. I think you should tell her, and let her know that you're there for her.

Please don’t do this.

Telling someone you can hear them crying through the way is so nasty.

CarefreeMe · 01/12/2022 19:44

*wall

ThreeRingCircus · 01/12/2022 20:04

I wouldn't tell her you heard her crying but I would pop round on the pretext of either needing to borrow something (sugar/butter/milk/oil as you're in the middle of baking as a PP said) or with some cakes that you'd made and ask if she'd like them. Basically just a nice, neighbourly thing that hopefully opens the door to a conversation if she wants one or at least lets her know you're available if she needs you.

AnnieSnap · 01/12/2022 20:06

I don’t get the hesitation and justifications not to go! Just go around, say “I don’t want to intrude, but as I’m WFH, my house is quiet and I heard you crying. I just want to check that you’re okay. Would you like to come around for a cuppa”?

AnnieSnap · 01/12/2022 20:08

Or, if you know her number, send her a text

Dentistlakes · 01/12/2022 20:08

I wouldn’t go round and I certainly wouldn’t intervene if I heard them arguing unless it sounded like a violent altercation. People argue, they get upset and tearful. It’s normal for a lot of people.

oakleaffy · 01/12/2022 20:12

TheGander · 01/12/2022 18:03

Amazing story. Well done! We need more of this.

Show quote history

@pattihews What a wonderful story!
really heartwarming.

Mamaneedsadrink · 01/12/2022 20:14

I'd go around, you don't need to say you heard her. If it were me, I'd appreciate it Smile

RoseGoldEagle · 01/12/2022 20:14

Could you take something round- biscuits or cake, and say you remember how hard you found having a newborn and just thought she might appreciate the chocolate/whatever. Agree not when she’s mid sobbing, maybe in a day or so. And then say if she fancies comity round for a coffee sometime she’d be very welcome. She might have no interest in doing that which is her choice, or equally she might be grateful of the offer. Can’t lose anything really?

Nosecamera · 01/12/2022 20:27

Pop a note though the door, say she's welcome to a chat and a cuppa whenever she likes.
My neighbour must have heard me sobbing one night after a heartbreak, he knocked on the door the next day and invited me over for a cup of tea. Totally unexpected, very kind and I learned all about his expertise as a hockey player before he left India 50 years ago. He was, according to him, a demon on the pitch.

TakingThePlunge22 · 01/12/2022 20:33

It sounds like she's lonely and overwhelmed with no family nearby and her partner presumably back at work.

Honestly when my DD was tiny and DH was working 12 hours days I would have loved a friendly neighbour to pop round and see if I wanted a cuppa.

mothermotherm · 01/12/2022 20:33

I’d just knock and offer the cuppa like others have said. She may appreciate a listening ear from a person who isn’t emotionally attached to her. She may decline, but at least she knows you are there!

PlinkPlonkFizz · 01/12/2022 20:34

If a neighbour called around after hearing me sobbing (when I had MCs years ago) even on a missing a bakery ruse, I would have been horrified and extremely embarrassed.

Summerfun54321 · 01/12/2022 20:51

We live in a terrace with paper thin walls. Everyone turns a blind eye in the moment but if anyone’s having a hard time, we all know about it and all chat and ask how each other are. Totally fine to be supportive, just not at the exact moment as it’s an invasion of privacy.