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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

228 replies

Bobcatbobby · 01/12/2022 14:47

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

OP posts:
adomizo · 01/12/2022 14:50

Welll.. yes u are being unreasonable but I can see your point !! This may work our better long term though as you will always have equal share of your DD and housework etc. You can't really argue with his point so just make it work for you both

GunsNShips · 01/12/2022 14:51

Well YANBU to feel how you feel. But YWBU to try to make DH work FT and not get that day with DD. I do believe it will benefit you all if you do this as like you say it’s not just you responsible for everything and DD gets the best of both worlds. I have recently reduced my hours and did suggest it to DH but he would rather work FT at the moment.

RandomBanto · 01/12/2022 14:52

CaN you afford to do 3 days and he does 4?

Pebbledashery · 01/12/2022 14:52

I think you should cut the situation some slack. You're both equal parents, you're both entitled to have a day off with her should your finances permit you.
I think if he was a useless DD and you did absolutely everything and he did zero you'd be back on mumsnet complaining, so I think you should praise the fact he's a hands on father and wants to spend an extra day in the week with her because his employment permit him to. It isn't a competition.

Pebbledashery · 01/12/2022 14:53

useless DH* even

FLOWER1982 · 01/12/2022 14:53

I understand why you feel that way, but there are so many positives to doing 4 days each. You still get 3 days with her which is almost half the week. You’ll still be earning good money - it is quite a drop doing 3 days and let’s be honest part ti era do get over looked. I did 3 days and felt I was out the loop. I do 4 days now which feels better. Pension payments! Every little helps. you still have holiday to use as well to spend days together.

it is great your husband is playing a big part (as he should!). Make the most of it.

luxxlisbon · 01/12/2022 14:54

Well at least you know you’re being unreasonable. Yes it would be very unfair to push for 2 days off while your husband then still had to work 5.
Working 4 days each and having an extra day each with DD seems like the best option for you both, rather than just you and your daughter gets quality time with each parent.

waterrat · 01/12/2022 14:54

How you feel is normal you want more time with your child. Its fantastic men can now have this too though

My dh never worked part time..our kids are a bit older now and he mentions still how sad he is thst he never got thise baby and toddler days.

Could you affird for you to do 3 and him 4

waterrat · 01/12/2022 14:55

There will be lifelong benefits of him really understanding the reality of day to day childcare as well

Oooooooooooooh · 01/12/2022 14:56

It's OK to be disappointed but yabu

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 14:56

Unreasonable, sorry. You can't have it both ways - you can't expect your husband to be hands on, involved with the baby and participating equally in domestic work, but only when it suits you. You can't kick off because he won't do all that but take on part of the financial burden on top of it and forgo bonding time with your daughter just because.

You need to gain some perspective and don't take him for granted.

poefaced · 01/12/2022 14:57

YABU I’m afraid. It sounds like for both of you it’s also about having 3 days off work per week rather than just about dd. And that’s fine, but he deserves the same.

riotlady · 01/12/2022 14:57

I think both parents doing part time is the ideal set up, assuming you both pull your weight (which it sounds like you both do). You’ll both get time with your child, you’ll both do school pickups and get to know some of their friends and the other parents. It will be a great role model for your kids to see both parents taking on childcare and work equally too

Merrow · 01/12/2022 14:57

I agree with you - you're being unreasonable!

DP and I both did 4 days each and it was great. Both had 1:1 time with DS, and we're both very different parents so he was exposed to different things.

From what I've seen from other parents there's the risk that if one parent has the 1:1 time they become the default parent - knowing what food the children eat, knowing how to calm down an upset over nonsense.

Nevermind31 · 01/12/2022 14:59

You don’t have one day… you have three, as you will be with her at the weekend too. And don’t discard how hard it is to be the part timer - naturally more of the day to day stuff falls to you (appointments, housework etc), and part time is not really always part time…
so being able to share that is good!

LolaSmiles · 01/12/2022 14:59

It's understandable to feel disappointed but it would be unreasonable to expect him to work full time and you to be part time when both doing 4 days allows for a more equitable split of childcare and domestic roles as well.

Things won't change until more men go part time and show that it's entirely reasonable for dads to go part time and be hands on dad's as well.

erinaceus · 01/12/2022 15:01

I can see how you might feel how you do but I think that this is one of those situations where you are wiser to deal with how you feel rather than change the arrangements so that he is FT and you are 3 days per week.

Your DD is lucky to be so loved and to have both parents want to spend time caring for her.

RoachPussy · 01/12/2022 15:01

Sounds like you have a keeper!

OrigamiOwls · 01/12/2022 15:02

It's okay to be disappointed but yes YABU. It would be unfair you you to get 2 extra days with your DD per week and he gets none. Consider it the other way round, how would you feel if he wanted to work part time but expected you to continue full time. I'd imagine you'd think that didn't seem fair...

Allthemojitos · 01/12/2022 15:05

Could you condense your hours so you do 4 days worth over three days. The what I do and DH does condensed hours over four days. It means the drop in salary isn't so much but we both get time off.

Newwardrobe · 01/12/2022 15:06

You wanted things to be evenly split so it's fair that you both do 4 days . You can't have it so that it's only fair if it benefits you.

MilkyYay · 01/12/2022 15:06

Yabu alas. Its fantastic that he's willing to share the career penalty. At 4 days a week you won't be penalised a lot in terms of promotions etc, at 3 days you could well be.

CurlsandSwirls · 01/12/2022 15:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on the user's request.

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2022 15:11

MilkyYay · 01/12/2022 15:06

Yabu alas. Its fantastic that he's willing to share the career penalty. At 4 days a week you won't be penalised a lot in terms of promotions etc, at 3 days you could well be.

True but IME if you work 4 days you’ll pretty much be expected to fit in a full time role. Depending obviously on your job.

OnlyFannys · 01/12/2022 15:12

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 14:56

Unreasonable, sorry. You can't have it both ways - you can't expect your husband to be hands on, involved with the baby and participating equally in domestic work, but only when it suits you. You can't kick off because he won't do all that but take on part of the financial burden on top of it and forgo bonding time with your daughter just because.

You need to gain some perspective and don't take him for granted.

Yes this, he sounds great and has just as much right to the bonding time as you do. Its actually fantastic that you are able to do this as a family and you should understand how lucky you are to be in the position