To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

[Bobcatbobby]

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

You’re totally entitled to your feelings, so yanbu at all to feel like you’d like the two days. But in the circumstances you describe, I think you’d be U to make a fuss about it.

By all means tell him nicely “oh isn’t it funny, I know it would be unreasonable, but I wish I had both days with dd”, and he might say the same, but don’t put pressure on him about it.

DH buggered me up this morning by telling me it was Monday...
Although I'm pretty sure last weekend missed a Saturday too.
😵

You asked your OH for what you wanted and you got it.

You can’t have it both ways! Life’s not like that!

We have this arrangement and it’s brilliant. We have always both understood just how hard it is to go to work and just how hard it is to be at home. Our marriage has thrived doing this and my husband is a fabulous dad. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and he knows as much as I do about how they need caring for. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m agog at how inept the husbands of some of my friends are, completely clueless about the basics of caring for their own children.

Also I have received three promotions since my first baby, and make significant steps up in my earnings which has benefitted us hugely as a family. I don’t believe I would have achieved half as much on three days a week. In general I think that four days is enough to advance a career, three is enough to maintain it.

Honestly it’s more than a little frustrating to read thread after thread on here about men who won’t make life changes or take any hit to his career, then one wants to, his wife is complaining about it. We need to normalise this!!!

You might not like the thought, but in practice it will be absolutely fine. It's the right thing to do and sets a fantastic example to your child.

WTF?

So presumably he should be even more wary of her wanting to have two ‘days off’?!

Or are you of the opinion that all men are lazy layabouts? Bit sad if that’s your experience. My husband goes all over the place out and about with our kids on his days with them. He is an engaged and attentive parent. It is possible to both have a penis and be that you know.

Both of you having to work equal amounts of time is the fairest thing, but I’d be sad in your position too.

It’s refreshing to see women admit that they really want to be the parent that works less to do more childcare and would prefer the father to bring home the bacon. Reading many threads on MN that discuss the division of childcare between parents, you’d think that looking after your children was by far the worst position and all women who do it are selflessly sacrificing their careers for the sake of their family and the fathers should be grateful.

@TiddleyWink calm down love.

I suspect that if you give it a go with an open mind, you will gain more and more appreciation of the advantages of equality in childcare. Not just for yourself and your husband, but for your child as well.

I wish my husband and suggested this or that I had been more convincing when I proposed it - LIFE LONG BENEFITS!!! Your pension, your career, shared understanding, shared mental load.... your future self with thank you!!!

No, you totally deserved that.

Your husbands suggestion is a great one and fair for you both.
Think it's a little bit selfish of you not to want him to have the same as you.

Me and DH both worked 4 days pt when our two were preschoolers. It has been fantastic for setting an equal footing for us both as parents and household management. As another pp commented we both brought different experiences and perspectives to our children's upbringing, and a great balance for our own relationship. Our kids loved having equal time with us both.

The two downsides it's worth noting:

1. I found it tricky to make "mum friends" as only had the one day to attend a class or meet for coffee (I realise it's the same for any mother who works 4 day pw!). Particularly difficult once my eldest was in school and we were tied to school runs. I felt quite restricted to certain groups on the one day I was off, and it took forever to click with people as was such a small window of time each week to meet. My husband was generally welcomed at groups he attended, but it never went any further than casual chat, as majority of attendees were women so he wasn't comfortable suggesting a coffee or walk outside of the class (this was several years ago when shared parental leave was brand new and before the prevalence of wfh so I don't know if the dynamic may have changed if more men are embracing flexible working)

1. When the kids were tiny and poor sleepers I sometimes longed to be in a more part time, lower stress job like many of my friends. As I worked 32 hours across 4 days my employer pretty much expected me to fit a full time job into my hours which was stressful, particularly as we both were office based at that time with a commute. DH was in the same position so we had two busy, tired and stressed parents both juggling everything, which was hard.

I wouldn't change it for the world as we both loved our time at home with the kids, neither of us are high earners so financially there was little difference. Also when lockdown hit I was thankful we were used to sharing the load. I like to think our children got the best of both worlds and are happy.

I think you and your husband are both in the right. There is a special bond between mother and child because the mother carries the baby in her body for nine months, gives birth, breastfeeds, so many things. It is natural and it is good that you want and need to be with your child as much as possible.

I agree with the suggestion that you work 3 days a week and your husband 4 days. The child also needs to be with the father as much as possible. Your dh said 4 weekdays working, 1 home would make him happy. 3 days work and 2 days home would make you happy, so do that.

I just read something lately about how great it would be if dads, same for mother’s, could work out of the home somehow like in the ‘old days’ so that the children, while young, got the benefit of learning from him just like from their mothers. Interesting idea and would work for some depending on what the dad’s profession was, or craft.

Go ahead and do 3 on, 2 off!

Depressingly familiar display of misogyny on a website for women…

Oh and perhaps if they have more kids he’ll, you know, look after them both…? Like mine did?

In what way is that refreshing? It’s how it’s been for centuries, and we’re finally starting to break away from that.

You feel how you feel, but yes of course you would be being massively unreasonable if you didn’t go forward with 4 days each.

It might not feel like it now, but it will be better for your daughter, your marriage, and your career.

No - your post was utterly stupid

Loads of women say they put their baby in nursery from a very young age and he/she was completely unaffected. If the mother/child bond were so strong, that wouldn't be the case.

Have you worked out the finances to see if you could do 3.5 or 3 days to his four? If you will be paying for childcare the other days then the financial impact will not be so great.
I understand your feelings but think it is great when men are willing to do this. I often think that they miss out working full time when their children are very young , the assumption is that they should be fine with only seeing their very small children 1-2 hrs per day in the week, or less if they work very long hours . I know a Dad who expressed regret that he couldn't work less as his wife wanted to be a full time mum. And the issues with the gender pay gap will not change unless more men work part time.
We both do 3.5 days each. It's a good balance in terms of the time I get with the children.
and it does work well in that he appreciates how hard it can be looking after the kids alone. In terms of work we probably both have more than 3.5 days work a week to actually do so that is a challenge. Given the amount of threads I read about men who refuse to look after their kids alone, or stay in bed until lunchtime while Mum gets up at the crack of dawn with the kids, it is brilliant that he wanted to do this.

Honestly, this is absolutely the ideal, especially in the early years. Kids growing up with a special "mummy day" and "daddy day" every week is just lovely for everyone.

And having a day every week where you don't need to rush out the office for nursery pickup and can come home to a cooked dinner on the table, feels like such a luxury.

When you both just have that one day, you really make the most of it too, rather than spending it catching up with the washing. And at work, it makes a big difference to how you are perceived, doing 4 days vs 3.

I don't think you should judge yourself for how you feel. It's normal to feel conflicted when you return to work and getting used to being away from your child. You should give yourself a break. I would have struggled being away from my first child four days a week when he was one.

But- four days each is a really fantastic arrangement. It will be worth it over time. It will be better for your career. It means household and childcare is genuinely shared and you might not have to be the default parent, which holds so many women back.

Give it a go. Could you start on 3 and move up to 4 over time?

I could have written this myself. I always saw myself doing 3 days but when it came down to it my DH wanted to do a day and then myself a day which made more sense and then with COL crisis going on we couldn't afford me doing 3 days anyway as we are both doing 5 days over 4. It will get better and I love my day with my DS. I'd talk to your DH just tell him how you feel so he can support you when you go back to work and knows how you're feeling so you don't build up any resentment either.

My ex worked shifts when the kids were little and it meant he was full time but did have some days with them on his own during the week. It meant we couldn’t use a misery for a while as they wanted fixed days. I was PT - after DD1 I worked 4 days but longer in 3 days. I was actually agency when I had dd2 and self employed for a bit. But then we separated when dd2 was only a few years old.