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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

228 replies

Bobcatbobby · 01/12/2022 14:47

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

OP posts:
Snoken · 01/12/2022 15:14

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I think you are being a bit unreasonable given that the child is over a year old. I have a feeling you’d still think that the mother has more right to spend time with child had it been an adopted child and pregnancy, birth, recovery, breastfeeding was not a factor. I can understand that it’s your gut reaction, but that’s just because we have been conditioned to think a mother is a primary caregiver.

OnlyFannys · 01/12/2022 15:14

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While.i understand what you are saying you also have to appreciate that none of that is the fathers fault, they dont have the ability to take on any of that side of things but it doesnt mean they shouldnt be given the same opportunity to be a parent once able to

luxxlisbon · 01/12/2022 15:15

@CurlsandSwirls Hmmm the replies to this strike a cord with me. I felt that deciding to go part-time was my decision and would have been really shocked if my husband had wanted that too.

But it’s not just your decision, surely. Your husband would likely have to continue full time specifically because you went part time so if course it’s a decision for you both.
Pregnancy, labour and even breastfeeding don’t exactly come into it when we are talking about over a year after the birth.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 01/12/2022 15:18

My husband did the same, although I’m pleased he did. The bond he’s got with our now one year old is second to none. He can do anything I can do (except breastfeed) and they’ve got their ways with that, too.

I get the occasional pang that maybe he doesn’t love me as much as babies who are glued to their mothers do, but I think the traumatic labour and aftermath might be playing it’s part there! But I’m so happy that they’re so bonded; and my son is so well balanced.

WaddleAway · 01/12/2022 15:19

YABU to be disappointed, just as many parents who have to work the full 5 days for financial reasons are disappointed that they can’t spend more time with their child.
YWBU to let that show though.

Chimna · 01/12/2022 15:20

You're husband is not being unreasonable, but I don't think you are either actually. You realise you can't but your feelings sre perfectly valid. I think biologically mums are wired to want to be near their small children. It's society that means we all have to work so much and outsource childcare.

MsMelody · 01/12/2022 15:23

OP, I would love it if my partner went down to four days a week to cover some childcare! Partly because I think it’s good for the kids, also because they’d get more insight into how challenging it is to balance part-time work and kids.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 01/12/2022 15:24

Its great, you both get three days a week with DD. Spread the chores evenly too and you are definitely onto a winner.
As DD gets older and starts school if you keep the arrangement up it also means you both have a day to pursue separate hobbies golf / cycling / fishing/ running /gym whatever takes either of your fancy but normally eats into family time.

MarshaMelrose · 01/12/2022 15:24

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. You know you would be unreasonable to do 3-5 so you're being reasonable and doing 4-4. But don't worry because there'll be days when you'll both be wishing you were doing 5 days. Lol.
It's not unreasonable to want different than you've got, but you and your husband actually sound the epitome of reasonableness.

CurlsandSwirls · 01/12/2022 15:25

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Original poster
Bobcatbobby · 01/12/2022 15:25

Thank you for the replies - they are kind of what I suspected they would be and I needed to hear it (even though I knew it really!)

I did look at doing compressed hours (4 days over 3) as well to avoid a days nursery fees but honestly I don't think I have the time to do an extra 2 hours work a day, we have a dog that needs a walk twice per day and between housework and doing dinner and stuff I think I'd just collapse in a heap. A shame though as that could have been ideal.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/12/2022 15:27

I would feel exactly the same but...what he's suggesting is completely reasonable so I think you have to accept it gracefully. And hope his employer says no Grin.

Original poster
Bobcatbobby · 01/12/2022 15:28

@CurlsandSwirls I do feel this somewhat. I didn't think I would before we had her, I was very keen that we would be equal parents but I have this really strong urge to be near her / comfort her etc that I find it hard to switch off. Although DH is a brilliant dad and I know he adores every second he spends with her, it isn't the same for him.

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 01/12/2022 15:29

I suspect I’d feel the same but it does read like you want it both ways.

Snoken · 01/12/2022 15:31

Bobcatbobby · 01/12/2022 15:28

@CurlsandSwirls I do feel this somewhat. I didn't think I would before we had her, I was very keen that we would be equal parents but I have this really strong urge to be near her / comfort her etc that I find it hard to switch off. Although DH is a brilliant dad and I know he adores every second he spends with her, it isn't the same for him.

Why don’t you think your dh has the same urge to be near your child, comfort her etc? Isn’t that exactly what he is expressing by wanting to work less and spend more time with your dd?

Jenasaurus · 01/12/2022 15:34

As long as he does the work in the house and childcare on his day off as you do then it is fair :)

Fenella123 · 01/12/2022 15:34

The most united families I know (so YMMV) are the ones where both parents have been able to work PT hours and look after DC P/T. Mum and Dad don't get silo'd in their own little world, they have the experiences to see the other's POV and tend to work as a team.

ilovesushi · 01/12/2022 15:35

How old is your DD? If she very little, it is 100% normal that your maternal instincts are saying you want to be with her. It is all very well to make practical decisions in advance around logistics and finances but you can't underestimate or predict your emotions and hormones. It is fine to reassess and make new plans. We thought we had it all planned when DC1 was born. I went back to work part time when he was 6 months. I was desperately unhappy and quit after 4 months to be a fulltime mum for a few years. It wasn't ideal financially but it was doable for us at the time.

xogossipgirlxo · 01/12/2022 15:35

Do you guys make same sort of money, or let's say he's the main earner and his 3 days will affect you financially?

Talipesmum · 01/12/2022 15:37

He doesn’t love her less than you do- he may parent differently but it’s brilliant for children to have active hands on proper parenting from both parents. It can be a wrench going back to work, and especially hard when you had thought you might do 3 days and now perhaps it’s 4 - but it’s really a very excellent and healthy way to split it.

From my personal experience - my DH went part time before I did. He was always a fantastic dad but I really noticed a shift in mental load and his understanding of practicalities etc once he had sole control a bit more. I didn’t feel it was taken away from me - more that I had a shared partner in it! I went part time (4 days) a bit later on - we both are slightly part time. It’s brilliant. Feels very equal, for both child and household stuff. We are very lucky that we can do this. Give it a go - I’ve been full time, and am now 4 days. Our kids are young teens now. I have never ever felt like I was not present, like I didn’t have a strong elastic band pulling me to them at all times. It hasn’t affected my nurturing and love - I have an equal partner in it, and it’s brilliant.

SlipperyLizard · 01/12/2022 15:37

I insisted DH went part time when I went back to work (also PT) and the relationship he has with our DDs is brilliant as a result. Also, the insight he had (back then) that a “day off” work was not relaxing with a 1 & 3 year old really helped us to understand each others stresses.

It will be brilliant for your DD to have one on one time with her dad.

drkpl · 01/12/2022 15:37

You can’t have your cake and eat it. If mothers and fathers are to be equal then this is the right way forward. That said, I do think a mother’s time with a newborn/young baby is more valuable due to them having been attached to one another, the mothers need to recover from birth and breastfeed (if she chooses).

Tripsabroad · 01/12/2022 15:37

I would feel the same as you. My husband has no desire to go part time, and earns so much more than me it wouldn't make sense. But I desperately want to be at home with my dc so if he suddenly suggested 50/50 I'd be upset! But I'd agree to it because it's fair, and better for him and dc I think.

Scarecrowrowboat · 01/12/2022 15:38

I think it's a brilliant idea to each do 4. If you really want to do 3 can you do long days at all and 3 days part time but same number of hours as 4 days a week? My DH is full time but 4 days a week.

CatJumperTwat · 01/12/2022 15:39

The only way we'll ever get equality for women is if this becomes the norm. Bravo to both of you!