To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

[Bobcatbobby]

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

My DH went to 4 days when DD was born. I work 3. We have had a really equal approach to everything and I feel sorry for friends that do it all and get no help. Could you you go down to 3 and him 4? That said, I should do 4 really, I just don't want to! Two days off is definitely ideal tho. One to do stuff and one to sort the house.

Could you do a trial of the compressed hours? Perhaps hire a dog Walker for one walk?

Such a refreshing thread that a dad wants to do this and is seems you are pretty much 50/50 parenting and household.

You know you're unreasonable and it's fine to feel like that, but it is 2022 like you say. He is equally entitled to want to go part time too. Embrace it and be thankful I say.

YABU

i also don’t know what you mean by “not enough”. Not enough for what? Either way your daughter will be in childcare for 3 days and with one or both parents for 4.

I worked 3 days after I had my first and very quickly went to 4 days. I felt 3 days wasn’t enough to feel properly engaged at work and I found 4 perfect.

Also they are only small and need as much childcare for a comparatively short time. Makes sense IMO if you can to keep your hand in at work as much as possible not to mention contributing to your pension etc.

I completely understand the feeling. It's ok to feel sad about it just like it's ok to feel sad about going back to work generally, but many people find the reality is less awful than the anticipation.

This isn't necessarily the new normal forever. See how it goes. If it doesn't work you can change it. Childhood is very long, with different stages.

My husband also went PT. Long term it's much less lonely parenting with someone who truly gets it, always shows up for bedtimes, and respects all the work you do. We are a real team. You could consider working different times on the days you both work, to minimise the time she's in childcare and give you both a bit of one to one time. DH used to love his late starts with her, whereas I liked to get my hours done and get home.

This is what I was going to ask as well.

I have been working part time 3 days a week since my dd1 was born 14 years ago. Dh has been working the opposite 4 days a week, so there is always one of us at home for the kids. It works well, even though we don't earn much between us. We make it work!

I guess we can't be too harsh because nothing has happened yet. But there was a thread some time back about the dad staying at home full time... and he basically did F all!!.

You know your DH, is it the day off he wants? Or to actually bond with your child? I guess it's his wage and as long as the household pot isn't too affected its really his choice. Personally I would be wary and I would discuss what will happen if you plan to have more kids??

Both doing 4 sounds fab.

YABVVU

DH and I both work 4 days. Youngest DC 10 now but he has additionally needs and medical appointments regularly, so it works really well for us. That one day is so precious- we BOTH get some breathing space on those days to get house stuff done/ time to relax. It also means on his day off I'm not running like a mad woman to do breakfast club drop off and driving like a banshee to get to work on time or dashing for pick-up- I leave for work early for a change and come home to dinner cooked and housework done. It's a win-win.

We're far more skint, but it's so worth it.

Totally agree. This kind of thing is going to be necessary to help eradicate the gender pay gap for example. OP is lucky she has a good husband but plenty of women go part time, career and earnings suffer, husband is able to advance in his career due to not being impacted by childcare responsibilities and then fucks off out the marriage and tries to screw his wife over financially. Drivelling on about bonds between mothers and babies is all very well but it doesn’t put food on the table.

Not unreasonable to feel sad you won't be with your daughter at all, you would be unreasonable to not both do 4 days though. I'm glad he is being an equal parent because thats what he should be. I would think this will get better as she gets older.

Just make sure division based on days off is equal though. If he has thursday off with her, does no household chores and makes a huge mess which you then spend your friday off with her cleaning up I'd not be happy! I'm not saying he would as he sounds great, just something to agree in advance.

Wow.

If I were you, I would use the day he has your daughter to work late, and do all the 'extra' work you need to do, so then you can finish earlier on one of the other days. Working 4 days is stressful as you are usually packing a 5 day a week job in 4, so it's good to have a day where you don't have to even think or worry about anything else.
Plus, you can take parental leave for extra days.

OP, in theory YANU. But i confess I’d think exactly the same as you in your position!

Sorry, that should say YABU, not YANU

I'm in the same boat. We have three kids and for a long time we both worked full time. Then I quit altogether during COVID to do the hone schooling and really didn't want to go back. Through various twists of fate I now work full-time, he doesn't work and I never see him or the kids

We both do full time over 4 days, both get a day with DS and weekends as a family (DH occasionally does weekend overtime, maybe once a month) . It's good, we have different things we do with him, and all get time to spend together at weekends.
Other option would your work consider you working 4 days over 3?

You know you're being unreasonable but I'd feel the same. There's no reasonable arguement to use against it though really, bloody men 😂🤣🤣

@Bobcatbobby it isn't the same for him.
How do you know that?
Not being goady...just that my Dad was amazing.
When I was ill, it was him sleeping in my bed with me, comforting me when I barfed, etc I was a very "sickly child" according to my mother then he went to work on v little sleep, while she left my nan to care for me while she went out with her friends.
My mother couldn't have given fewer...yeah, well.
Maybe you're right, maybe one parent loves the child more...but don't turn it into a competition between you.
Just think how lucky your child is to have TWO loving parents.

If our biochemical bond is so strong, why do we frequently not know why our child is crying? But both men and women go through the motions of feed, nappy, winding, jigging, temp check, gum check, white noise etc.....

I've also seen plenty mums with buggies/prams and no sun canopy, on their phones or smoking.....

Oops sorry that was supposed to quote @dontaskdontget post

It's thursday...it's been a long week...

It’s definitely ok to feel sad about this but you also need to accept that it is fair. The bonus will be the amazing bond your partner will have with your daughter. My partner works full time and is an incredibly loving dad but I have always been part time and was full time stay at home mum until 2 so I am always the default parent. It’s sad for him and also hard as I get the brunt of need when she is ill/tired etc. We are just about to have another child and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with how much I am going to be needed by both of them.

Your husband is amazing. Grab it with both hands. Hardly any men would want this.

Hasn't it just... I've lost a day somewhere, keep thinking it's Wed