Page 9 | To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

Bobcatbobby · 2022-12-01T14:47:33+00:00

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky. I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally. I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all. I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 17:25

8 pages of the OP being told what she 'should' want because.... 'equality' ( never mind what she would actually prefer). Yep, that's MN for you.

TiddleyWink · 02/12/2022 17:28

Not sure why our salaries explain the state of the economy? I earn £60k FTE (£48k on 80%) and husband a bit more. We’re not rolling in it like banker salaries, but are very fortunate and comfortable. Those are higher than average salaries but quite normal professional salaries around where we live. Feels like you think I’m lying about my life @user1471452428 but it’s not that unusual, we have just made choices to keep both careers progressing that apparently some women find abhorrent. Our set up is very possible for a lot of people despite what some people insist.

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 17:45

That's lovely TiddleyWink and I agree it's nothing remotely unusual. My issue is the MN mantra that assumes that type if set up is what everyone should want, otherwise there must be something wrong with them!

Mardyface · 02/12/2022 17:58

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 17:45

That's lovely TiddleyWink and I agree it's nothing remotely unusual. My issue is the MN mantra that assumes that type if set up is what everyone should want, otherwise there must be something wrong with them!

In my case, I advised with the benefit of hindsight, because what I thought I wanted/felt I should do in the short term was not beneficial to me personally (I dunno about the kids either really) in the long term. I mean I probably wouldn't have listened to Me Now then either, but if you learn a lesson you want to pass it on don't you.

BringbackSpringsteen · 02/12/2022 18:00

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 17:45

That's lovely TiddleyWink and I agree it's nothing remotely unusual. My issue is the MN mantra that assumes that type if set up is what everyone should want, otherwise there must be something wrong with them!

I guess you see what you want to see.

I see a lot of Mumsnet banging on about it's essential to have a SAHM and any form of childcare is evil

BaileySharp · 02/12/2022 18:03

YABU - DH and I did 4 days each

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 18:08

"YABU - DH and I did 4 days each"

This is what I mean.

BringbackSpringsteen · 02/12/2022 18:15

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 18:08

"YABU - DH and I did 4 days each"

This is what I mean.

Did you also see the posts from @Noln and @Venetiaparties and others?

luxxlisbon · 02/12/2022 18:44

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 17:25

8 pages of the OP being told what she 'should' want because.... 'equality' ( never mind what she would actually prefer). Yep, that's MN for you.

I don’t think most posters have said anything like that. The main point here is her DH doesn’t want her to go down to 3 days at the expense of him not being able to reduce his hours too.
Seems pretty fair. Both partners should have an equal voice in a relationship but ultimately OP would need her DH to work more in order to facilitate her only doing 3 days so it’s not something she can just decide on her own. She’s not the only one it impacts.

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 19:01

"Did you also see the posts from @Noln and @Venetiaparties and others?"

Two or three posters out of a few hundred?

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 19:04

luxxlisbon - what might seem "fair" to you (and even most people) is meaningless though, if it doesn't feel fair to the actual woman posting!

BringbackSpringsteen · 02/12/2022 19:05

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 19:01

"Did you also see the posts from @Noln and @Venetiaparties and others?"

Two or three posters out of a few hundred?

"few hundred" 😂

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 19:07

Well there 212 replies and counting.

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 19:13

Midt if the posts can be summarised as a variation on one of the following -

"YABU OMG your DH is absolutely amazing, the MN ideal and you should be delighted"

"Sorry you're upset but you need to get over yourself"

"You don't have special feelings because I don't believe in that"

"Why should you only work 3 days because I had to work more."

That's pretty much it.

Ibizamumof4 · 02/12/2022 20:31

I would feel the same although knowing it’s unreasonable. I guess I like and want to be the main caregiver when they are little I could never of shared my mat leave if I am honest

GlasgowGal82 · 02/12/2022 21:43

My husband and I both do four days a week and have done since I went back after my first maternity leave almost eight years ago. It has been a great arrangement for us. It gives us both more time with the children, but it also means that childcare and housework is much more evenly split. I think it also helped with sharing the burden that my OH had three months off with our first child when I first went back to work because it meant he got a good understanding of what childcare actually involves!

FelicityFlops · 02/12/2022 21:52

I do not really understand this PT thing.
When my parents had us, my mother went back to work when I was 4 months old (granny came and lived with us).
We then did a huge move when I was 3, at that time my brother was born and my mother stayed at home until my sister was of school age. In those days there was little impact on what is now called "quality of life" or even career as Mother then returned to work and made it to the top of her profession.
I think my father would have loved to have had more time with his small children, he always did any night wakings (including the breast-fed, so bringing the baby and settling afterwards) and adored having the 3 of us to himself.
I should add that my parents, sadly now both dead, married in 1957.
I get the impression that people these days don't actually want to work to earn their living and are happy to cut down hours and claim benefits, but I could be wrong.

WaddleAway · 02/12/2022 21:56

FelicityFlops · 02/12/2022 21:52

I do not really understand this PT thing.
When my parents had us, my mother went back to work when I was 4 months old (granny came and lived with us).
We then did a huge move when I was 3, at that time my brother was born and my mother stayed at home until my sister was of school age. In those days there was little impact on what is now called "quality of life" or even career as Mother then returned to work and made it to the top of her profession.
I think my father would have loved to have had more time with his small children, he always did any night wakings (including the breast-fed, so bringing the baby and settling afterwards) and adored having the 3 of us to himself.
I should add that my parents, sadly now both dead, married in 1957.
I get the impression that people these days don't actually want to work to earn their living and are happy to cut down hours and claim benefits, but I could be wrong.

What do you mean you don’t understand the ‘PT’ thing? It means working fewer than full time hours. The benefits being that you can spend more time with your child, and you save money on childcare. The OP hasn’t suggested that they would be claiming benefits, in fact she says they can afford to both drop a day at work. What exactly is it that you’re struggling to comprehend about the scenario?

DorritLittle · 02/12/2022 22:02

FelicityFlops · 02/12/2022 21:52

I do not really understand this PT thing.
When my parents had us, my mother went back to work when I was 4 months old (granny came and lived with us).
We then did a huge move when I was 3, at that time my brother was born and my mother stayed at home until my sister was of school age. In those days there was little impact on what is now called "quality of life" or even career as Mother then returned to work and made it to the top of her profession.
I think my father would have loved to have had more time with his small children, he always did any night wakings (including the breast-fed, so bringing the baby and settling afterwards) and adored having the 3 of us to himself.
I should add that my parents, sadly now both dead, married in 1957.
I get the impression that people these days don't actually want to work to earn their living and are happy to cut down hours and claim benefits, but I could be wrong.

Your parents' situation does not sound typical of today's parenting worries. They didn't pay for childcare for one. For your mum to make it to the top of her profession, she was likely well educated which only a small percentage of people were in those days. She must have had a fulfilling career to get so far too, but many others don't want to do a job they don't 100% love while paying someone else a fortune to look after their babies all week. Therefore, a lot of us compromise and go part time. Your mother also had babies at a time when it was encouraged to have more than two. Many families now restrict themselves to one or two so don't want to miss too much of it.

Mardyface · 02/12/2022 22:02

FelicityFlops · 02/12/2022 21:52

I do not really understand this PT thing.
When my parents had us, my mother went back to work when I was 4 months old (granny came and lived with us).
We then did a huge move when I was 3, at that time my brother was born and my mother stayed at home until my sister was of school age. In those days there was little impact on what is now called "quality of life" or even career as Mother then returned to work and made it to the top of her profession.
I think my father would have loved to have had more time with his small children, he always did any night wakings (including the breast-fed, so bringing the baby and settling afterwards) and adored having the 3 of us to himself.
I should add that my parents, sadly now both dead, married in 1957.
I get the impression that people these days don't actually want to work to earn their living and are happy to cut down hours and claim benefits, but I could be wrong.

Yes. You are wrong. Most of us don't have a handy granny to move in and have to pay for child care. Mortgages (and everything else) are more expensive. The 'top of a profession' is something that only a few career paths actually have these days. Nothing to do with people not wanting to work in paid employment in most cases.

WaddleAway · 02/12/2022 22:08

FelicityFlops · 02/12/2022 21:52

I do not really understand this PT thing.
When my parents had us, my mother went back to work when I was 4 months old (granny came and lived with us).
We then did a huge move when I was 3, at that time my brother was born and my mother stayed at home until my sister was of school age. In those days there was little impact on what is now called "quality of life" or even career as Mother then returned to work and made it to the top of her profession.
I think my father would have loved to have had more time with his small children, he always did any night wakings (including the breast-fed, so bringing the baby and settling afterwards) and adored having the 3 of us to himself.
I should add that my parents, sadly now both dead, married in 1957.
I get the impression that people these days don't actually want to work to earn their living and are happy to cut down hours and claim benefits, but I could be wrong.

Further to my thread above, your granny moved in which saved money on childcare… most people don’t have that option and have to pay for childcare. My mum still works full time at 65 so can’t offer any childcare. Your mum then stayed home for a few years… again, many can’t afford this. Why do you see it as more acceptable for your mother to not work for a few years to look after her children than for 2 parents to drop one day at work each week to look after their children? Your post makes no sense.

Hagpie · 02/12/2022 23:09

It doesn’t matter whether it’s unreasonable because it is completely understandable that you feel like this. Just try and work through your feelings and give it a go - I’m sure 4 each will work out a lot better than you expect.

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 03/12/2022 00:24

Misogynistic and homophobic @Dontaskdontget, impressive.

In my experience the women who talk like this tend to be the ones whinging because after 18 years at home with the kids, their pension is fucked, and why won’t the government pay mums to stay at home?! I guess the answer is biology, right?

Mardyface · 03/12/2022 11:38

It is annoying that these threads always turn into a general how you should bring kids up argument. Really each family does what it wants or has to to make it work.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to care for your small child whether you are a man or a woman. There is nothing wrong with wanting to bring in the money either. The problem is when people think they should do one or the other - or are entitled to - because of their gender rather than other considerations.

The OP knows she is not really being reasonable so I'm not having a go at her. It's all a balance between what you want, what your partner wants, and what the family needs isn't it.

CombatBarbie · 03/12/2022 18:47

somethinglikethat · 02/12/2022 17:45

That's lovely TiddleyWink and I agree it's nothing remotely unusual. My issue is the MN mantra that assumes that type if set up is what everyone should want, otherwise there must be something wrong with them!

It's not that at all, how many posts do we see that are "I'm sahm but expected to do parent and be a housewife" "I'm a sahm, hubby thinks he doesn't have to do anything" "I'm a sahm but he does not interact with the baby"

Or "Im sahm/work part time, I'm expected to do all house and life admin" etc etc etc

If you want to be Sahm, fantastic! If you can afford it, but you should also be picking up more than 50% of the household chores.

I'm fairly certain that no women willingly enters a relationship knowing that as soon as a baby is born she is a 50s stepford wife.