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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

228 replies

Bobcatbobby · 01/12/2022 14:47

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

OP posts:
CurlsandSwirls · 01/12/2022 15:40

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notdaddycool · 01/12/2022 15:41

The fifth day of the week is the most taxed, you will probably end up with more if you both drop it. And how great to have a partner like that.

sneezingpandamum · 01/12/2022 15:41

YABU

You shouldn't expect something from your DH that you yourself wouldn't be willing to do yourself

That's equality for you

Fleabigg · 01/12/2022 15:42

Yeah, YABU. This sounds like a brilliant arrangement.

CatLick · 01/12/2022 15:43

You might not like it now but you will in a year or two when you don't have to be responsible for everything. If he is stepping up than embrace it with both hands.

riotlady · 01/12/2022 15:43

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Hmmm, but do you think the mother/child relationship is different (stronger?) because of something innate, or precisely because women are often put in the role of primary caretaker and are therefore more likely to develop a stronger bond due to doing more of the child rearing? I think the bond that my DH and DD have is very similar to the one I have with DD, and we’ve always shared parenting very equally.

VisitingThem · 01/12/2022 15:45

I did 3 days when I first came back from maternity and tbh it really didn't work well, I never felt like I had enough time to get going and it was stressful. 4 days was miles miles better.

Crunchingleaf · 01/12/2022 15:46

No one is being unreasonable here. I think for many women something just changes inside us when we become mothers. We just want to be with our children as much as possible.
During last few months we have had a couple instances when it was fantastic that DH and our 1 year old are so close and he happily goes between the two of us. My eldest DC has a useless father so I have experienced parenting from two perspectives. One being the one that does everything and only only one with a bond to child and secondly being an equal parent with DH. I definitely think it will benefit the small guy greatly that he has bonded with both parents. Even though I definitely have that instinct of wanting to be with him always.

Suprima · 01/12/2022 15:46

Depends…if you do all of the shit wifework and drudge - I would seriously resent losing a day in the week with my DD because going down for 4 days is something he actually fancies doing

could you clarify how you divide labour at home? Do you need to project manage him? Are you the one driving the fact the house needs a tidy? Do you sort out the shopping/meal plan for the next week?

if he truly is an equal partner- of course your feelings are valid, but YABU

if most of the shit falls to you- I wouldn’t ‘allow’ him to drop down to part time without having a serious chat about how you organise your home and divide tasks

slashlover · 01/12/2022 15:50

xogossipgirlxo · 01/12/2022 15:35

Do you guys make same sort of money, or let's say he's the main earner and his 3 days will affect you financially?

From the second paragraph of the OP

We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

CurlsandSwirls · 01/12/2022 15:51

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This has been withdrawn on the user's request.

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 01/12/2022 15:51

What is it that's bothering you most about the arrangement?
Is it that you want to do more hands-on parenting than DH so that you are the "main" parent? If so, you are being very unreasonable and unfair.
Or is it that you are disappointed to work four days because you wanted more than the one extra day with DD? Not unreasonable to be disappointed with that.
If it's the latter, could you (as a family) afford for both of you to work three days each week? Or could you both work three and a half days each week? Or could you both work seven days over two weeks?

BringbackSpringsteen · 01/12/2022 15:52

We both do four days a week and I love it:

Way more tax efficient than 5 days and 3 days

We both have a really strong bond with the kids and can both handle them solo - look at some of the threads on here to see how many dads can't

My career gets equal respect - no, well mine is more important because I am full time

My DH's non working day is fabulous - I don't have to do anything kid related, can work late or go out for team drinks etc

If I am totally honest with myself I am a little sad that I am not number 1 at all times with the kids - my eldest especially does prefer my DH - but on balance it's worth it

itsacatcafe · 01/12/2022 15:53

Well I guess if you want a '50/50' man, then this is what you get!

I have to be honest - I would be very pissed off and resentful about this. But, having said that, it's much better that you can leave your baby with him, rather than a daycare person or someone else. So you can look at it that way, I guess.

But again, it's an example of how an 'ideal' in principle, isn't actually 'ideal' in reality for many women. You can't help how you feel.

user1472831178 · 01/12/2022 15:55

It sounds like you set the expectation of equality and got exactly what you wanted. However what you want has now changed, which is completely fine as you don't know how you will feel until it really happens. It's not unreasonable for you to feel disappointed but it would be unfair to try and set a different expectation.
I also think it's lovely that you both want the time off with your daughter. I think you should stick to what was agreed in being equal parents and do the 4 days each. You can always reevaluate together but you may find this arrangement works just fine when it comes to it.
I do understand changing feelings, only mine changed in the opposite way. I also emphasised we would be equal parents years before getting pregnant, but still planned to drop to part time hours myself. I'm now due to return to work full time and my partner is dropping to part time hours. So even if you had discussed this specifically, it doesn't mean you wouldn't have changed your mind.

Dontaskdontget · 01/12/2022 15:56

Yanbu OP. The truth is that parenting is not an equal thing, never has been, never will be. The mum bears the baby, knows its behaviour intimately way before the birth, and the mum has her hormones and brain chemistry completely rewritten by the birth. Afterwards mum and baby have an intense biochemical relationship that the dad simply doesn’t have. Mum and baby need to spend as much time together as possible in the early years and dad being drafted in as a replacement is not at all the same.

Most dads are crap at looking after babies too, I’m so fed up locally of seeing dads strut around in the sunshine playing on their phones while the baby cries because the buggy has been parked directly facing the sun, without a sunhat, and any mum can tell instantly that the baby is getting a headache and can barely see, but the dad sits there oblivious, congratulating himself on having taken baby out. Men are very good at running and jumping and putting up heavy shelves etc but they are mostly shit at babycare. Haven’t got any maternal instincts.

OP I’m sorry that you and I gave birth at a time and place where the mother-baby connection is so despised and dismissed such that some posters even on Mumsnet are speculating that it doesn’t exist. 🙄 Yanbu for wanting your DH to recognise that your relationship with your baby is more important than his at this time. He’s just thinking about his ‘day off’ perhaps.

Smineusername · 01/12/2022 15:56

You are not being unreasonable. A baby is not a toy it's biological need is for its mother. As the child's mother your biological bond is deeper and their relationship with you is most important. Yay for equality but unfortunately nature is not equal and he did not participate in 50% of pregnancy, labour, breastfeeding etc and thus does not get to call the shots here. You have already sacrificed 1/4 of your maternity leave to him and that is specifically for you to recover from the strains of pregnancy and childbirth. He can go down to 4 days when the child is older and less bonded to mum.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 01/12/2022 15:57

YABU. Equality works both ways not just when it suits you. 4 each sounds a great compromise

Eddielizzard · 01/12/2022 15:57

I understand your feelings, however in the future, I promise you that you will be so grateful that he is so involved many many times a day. Being the main parent makes your job harder - if you're always the parent who stays home with a sick child it does your career no favours. You'll be very happy to share that hit with your DH.

Plus it will give you much more freedom to do your own things in the future.

So for now, I'd keep quiet, and see how it goes.

babyjellyfish · 01/12/2022 15:58

YABU.

It is a huge positive that your husband wants to be an equal parent.

OK so you'll be working 4 days a week when you'd rather work 3. But the plus side is that you'll be more financially equal and neither of you will be the default parent. You won't be the one doing all the wife work and covering all your child's sick days because your job is now less important than your husband's.

CarefreeMe · 01/12/2022 15:58

Could you financially do 3 days each.

E.g.
You: Mon, Tues, Wed

Him: Wed, Thurs, Fri

Then you both get 2 days off each.

If not both do 4 days each so then it’s fair.

I can completely understand why he would want to go PT, just like I can see why you’d want to too.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/12/2022 15:59

YABU of course, you know that. Try to think of how much more beneficial it is to your DD to have equal 1-1 time with each of her parents.

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 15:59

@Dontaskdontget what sexist exaggerated bullshit 😒

NorthStarRising · 01/12/2022 16:00

That was the point where my feminism and belief in equality bit me in the arse.
But my children benefited from having a hands-on father who shared them and housework with me. So your feelings are valid, but unfair.

emmathedilemma · 01/12/2022 16:00

i know a few couples who do 4 days each and it seems to work well. It can also offer you more options for finding nursery / childcare places as you don't necessarily need 2 consecutive days (which most people who work 3 day weeks would want). Unless he earns significantly more than you i think you're being quite unreasonable.

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