To be sad that DH wants to go part time too?

[Bobcatbobby]

My DH is very hands on with our DD and is a great Dad. We are very equal in terms of responsibilities both with her and around the house, which is exactly what I thought I always wanted when it came to parenting. I was adamant before I got pregnant that I wouldn't be one of those women that did all the donkey work while her husband did the fun stuff. Which is pretty much what I've got and I know I'm very lucky.

I really want to go PT 3 days a week. We can afford this. However my DH has said it would be good if we can each go down to 4 days so we both get a day of during the week with DD and I've said yes because it seems fair. But honestly I'm kind of gutted - 1 day a week doesn't seem enough. I know if I get 2 and he gets 0 that's shit for him which is why I've agreed. But I'm sad about it. We earn similar so it's not an issue financially, just emotionally.

I know we should have discussed this prior to getting pregnant but honestly DD was a bit of a surprise so we have worked things out as we go along. I shared some of my maternity leave with him (I did 9 and he did 3 months) so im not adverse to working while he does the childcare but im just surprised at myself for WANTING to be the one doing it all.

I think I'm probably being massively U as it's 2022 and equality and all that, but would love to hear thoughts on how others would feel about this.

DH and I both went 4 days a week. It was wonderful. If you really want more with your child, can you stretch financially to you 3 and him 4? Given childcare costs it might not be as expensive as you might think

You need to do what's best for your household. You both working 4 days sounds the fairest............................................

but also need to look at future earning potential - if you are career oriented. Is one of you likely to be earning more in the future? If so, you need to think about prioritising their career

The reason I say this, is when I had DC1, me and my DH earned similar amounts, however, during both my mat leaves my DH got pretty substantial promotions. He wouldn't have got these positions if he was PT. He now earns 3 x more than me.

You do need to think about both of your careers and if there will be 'major' breadwinner or will it be equal.

In your 30s is generally when you really establish your careers and hopefully bigger income.

It's a shame you've got such an outdated view of men's abilities to parent. I don't recognise anything of my DH in your description, or of other hands on dads I know.

I don't think you have to be reasonable. You have your mother's thing going on. It's lovely that Dad is so involved but there's no one like Mum. One day doesn't seem much, I agree.

Most dads are not crap though!!!

Mine is crap at putting up heavy shelves.

But fortunately that is a less frequent task than looking after children

The two of you sound like such a lovely, well matched couple. Of course you don't feel like 1 day is enough, but trust me, neither would 2. It's never enough time. Unless you're at home all day every day with no break, then it's too much. You can't win 🤣

We ended up at four days a week each (both freelancers). It's great. It means that you both can get reasonable amounts of work done without having to pack it all into three days, you earn more equally – and probably pay less tax and keep child benefit until one of you earns more than £50,000 – and his career won't massively overtake yours while you feel like the one who is mainly responsible for home and children. I'd go for it.

My husband and I do 4 days each and also took shared parental leave (he did 3 months solo at the end and also overlapped with me for around 3 months). If you want an equal parenting relationship going forward and not to get stuck as primary caregiver and default parent for every doctors appointment/day off sick/nursery bag packing, then going at things on an equal footing at this stage is the best way to achieve that, in my opinion. I'm assuming that economically there's no massive disadvantage to 4/4 vs 3/5 (i.e. you earn similarish amounts) - although for us it would make loads more sense for me to be fulltime and my husband to take three days, but we still split it this way, so even then I think you should still be open to the idea.

I can see that you've looked into condensing and that won't work, but have you tried running the numbers with him on 4 days, you on 3 and factoring in the relevant savings on childcare and any commute? If it's something you would want to do, I'd make sure I had all the available information before ruling it out on financial grounds.

I think in the longer term you will be really, really glad for the equality in your relationship and the closeness both of you have to your DD. We went a much more traditional route and I sometimes feel sad that DH and the kids are not as close as me and the kids are. Plus the mental load and other stuff naturally falls to me now I'm back at work FT and I've had/am having a job getting things more equal (I'm doing it, but it's effort). You will not have to worry about that stuff.

I think yabu but I understand why - keep your eyes a bit further ahead to the future for all your sakes.

I am truly gobsmacked at this response! Parenting is not an equal thing only if you allow that to happen.

OP you can't help how you feel but as someone with older kids, having witnessed those who have struggled on without a hands on partner you are very lucky

I think you are being unreasonable on the basis that from the outset you wanted to share parenting equally. I think reducing 4 days sounds fair and sensible to the both of you.

For me I have always know from the outset that whilst I wanted a very active and involved dad, I would be be main caregiver if I wanted to reduce my hours etc and he would hold more of the financial responsibility. I feel more comfortable with this type of set up.

I think 4 days each sounds great. More time to spend with each other and as well as DD and less stress.

Whilst I can understand the pull (I work ft DH does part time for childcare as our finances work that way) YABU.

I think its also incredibly important for dad's to have a hands on role and its healthy for the family unit.
It's a good balance to have and when she hits terrible 2s and is screaming all day you will be grateful of a bit of quiet at work!

It sounds like a good arrangement but I can understand why you might feel a bit disappointed as your plans aren't quite well you hoped for.

You will get 3 days a week with your DD though and a day where your DH can be doing the household stuff while you're at work.

Could you maybe use some days holiday so that some weeks you're just working 3 days? That might help you ease into the routine a bit more gently.

I’m in a very similar situation, except that DP has decided not to go part time following discussions. We both earn very well, but by going down to 4 days (for now) It’s been made clear to me that I won’t progress professionally again unless I can commit to full time again.

So whilst we could afford in the short term for us both to go to 4 days we’ve agreed that it doesn’t make sense to sacrifice career progression for us both, so DP has continued working 5 days. This is something to consider if there’s a chance it could impact you in the same way.

Your situation sounds perfect. It's what we wanted, but one of our jobs is not compatible with PT work (construction site manager).

Lots of positives - you and your partner both get time with your dd; your dd spends more time as home than in childcare; you and your partner both have space and time for your careers; you and your partner have a equal balance of power on your relationship; you are modelling a great work ethic and egalitarian relationship to your dd

It is surprising the feelings that parenthood brings. Wanting to spend time with your child is not a bad thing - for mothers or fathers! I find it marvellous - after decades of encouraging women into STEM careers - that men are supported in caring for their families.

There will still be plenty of time for you.

Why should you have more right to time off work than her father, an equal parent?

Who will have the baby on the other days?

I think you've realised that there's a difference between what's fair and right for the whole family, and the emotional reaction you have to it. It's normal to want to spend the time with your child, that's loving parenting and the natural bond you have, but it's much better all round for you each to have a day with her (and the weekend).

Is there any way you could go down to 3.5 days, or equivalent hours? Would the extra half day make a big difference to you emotionally, financially? In a lot of jobs it doesn't have to be whole days or nothing.

There will be lifelong benefits of him really understanding the reality of day to day childcare as well

THIS

If you and DH are equal in terms of time at home and roughly equal in earnings there is far far less chance of you ending up with all the “mental load” tasks that accumulate as DC get older. You are far more likely to keep up your career if he takes his share of this stuff, as well as an equal share of childcare (and sick days!)

Honestly I think it will great and I wish my DH had been willing and able to do the same.

Thanks. I read it very quickly, and haven't noticed.

In this case, there's no financial argument, just emotional ups and downs. Might not be easy to swallow it, but perhaps give it a try? You might love 4 days work - 3 off.

It sounds like you want a traditional set up. Too late now, this is who you chose to have a child with. On the plus, at least he's involved.

We are so conditioned into thinking this is how it should be, mother doing everything then there are the zillion examples of lazy men not sharing the load to reinforce that.

So I understand why you feel that way