Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

My DH has the same issue.

He was born in Surrey. His family come from London. The only mention of immigration anywhere on his family tree is the Hugenot diaspora from France in the 1570s. However his skin is too olive and his eyes are too brown for many people to accept that he is just British.

I had the same problem working in Kenya in the 90s, many people assumed I was not Kenyan as I am white, and my Swahili is far from perfect.

White Australian with an English grandfather.

Never ever been asked it…..

I get it
My mum died fairly recently and it's brought up a lot of family stuff
My dads mum never liked mum and dad was never sure why
Dads relative after mum died "well you know why she didn't like her?"
Dad < confused > "no but you might as well say it now"
Relative (her words) "she didn't like her because she was black"
Dad WTF

I mean after doing the family tree yes it did turn out that mums great grandad was black but I mean come on! They met my mums parents!

It's like when people say in the comments of crime pages on FB "send them back home"
Where do you wanna send them because they were born in Salford hospital...? it's like people can't accept different races/religions/whatever are born here

Yip. Where are you from.

But where are you from.

Go home.

Sorry, don't completely understand.
Are you Kenyan, from Kenya and white? with people not accepting you as Kenyan?

White British but my DNA shoes Celtic ,North and Eastern European ancestry. Born in the UK, always lived here. Never been asked.
If you don't ask everyone the same question then it calls into question your reasons for asking.
At best, it's crass nosiness. Usually it's racist.

I think this sums up most conversations with white people during my lifetime. Course none of them are racist, oh no 🙄

Had an American friend with Mexican heritage repeatedly (repeatedly to the point she felt she was being harassed) asked where she is "really from" while traveling in the UK during a visit to me.

She would say she was American and multiple people kept pressing as that was the wrong answer. The last family member to be born in Mexico was her great- or great-great grandmother, so no real connection, has never been there, doesn't speak Spanish, and would never say "I'm Mexican" (which is what those tossers wanted to hear.)

So now you are asking me where I'm from?

Dark hair, eyes & a slightly olive complexion here. Was asked this so much growing up in a small English town (where I was born to British parents).

No, just read your post and was confused (but not quite as confused as I am now by your reply!). I didn't understand what you were saying - still don't.

I get this from non English non white people as well though. Some of them will say I am my fathers nationality regardless of what my mother is as that's how they feel it should go. I've been to his home country once and they would look at me and assume I was a foreigner. Me and DH are also different nationalities and they will say our DC are his nationality.

I'm Scottish, white and have a Scottish accent, but my paternal grandfather was Romanian (I never met him - he walked out on my grandmother, my father and his siblings many years before I was born and is long gone, I presume. I've never been to Romania, either).

My facial features look a wee tiny bit not completely typically Scottish and my colouring is slightly different to that of most average white Scots, but not so much so that you'd really notice, I don't think.

I used to work in the sort of circles where events would be attended by elderly aristos and once had the oddest exchange with some ancient dowager duchess type, who kept asking me 'but where are you really from?'.

I was insistent that I was Scottish-born and bred, until, grasping at straws, I mentioned my Romanian grandfather, to which she answered 'Ah! I knew it! Such Slavic cheekbones!'.

I was utterly baffled by that one incidence for long enough, so to be on the receiving end of it as a person of colour on a regular basis must be incredibly tiresome, to say the least.

I accidentally found myself halfway into upsetting a lovely colleague the other day. I asked her (a black woman) where she was from, realised how it sounded halfway through and quickly tagged on the reason I was asking "where are you from?...because it sounds like you have a London accent, but i could be wrong."

We'd been talking about universities and this was a natural follow on, but anyone who doesn't realise how those sort of questions come across must be really stupid or actively trying to offend. Because I'm dopey as fuck and still managed to stop myself from accidentally upsetting her.

Of course such conversations only take place with white people to fit the narrative! In the real unbiased words people from all over the world have these conversations, but stick to the script if you wish! I've heard a lot of converations between people born in the UK so who are British but their forefathers are from different parts of India/Pakistan and they are interested in each other.

Your situation is different for two reasons.

1. You are white, so you have not had to contend with a lifetime of power-imbalance and microaggressions.
2. Your post seemed to imply that you are not in fact from Kenya (since you said it happened when you worked there and didn't speak Swahili very well).

Not being overly invested in this story, all I can hear in my head is Cilla Black, Wot's yer name and where d'you come from?

The point is, I was asked a lot where I was from.

Can I ask though, is there a respectable way to ever ask about someone's culture? Their background? If it is meant in a totally complimentary way? Sure, I am Irish, I am from northern Ireland, I know it's a different thing but people ask me all the time about this - I don't find it offensive.
I appreciate it is not the same thing of course.

I was going to write a post nearly identical to your OP @CupOfCake on another thread where people just weren’t getting it.

I too am mixed race and have been subjected to exactly the same conversations over the years - almost word for word!

It does not come from a place of curiosity, it is a micro aggression to remind you that you are “other” and you do not belong here.

I did used to laugh at the stupid children that would end it with “go back to where you came from” when I used to reply “oh, London? Don’t worry, on my way”

Same - my mum's family are from the tailoring trade in the East End, with dark hair and eyes and olive skin. Her maiden name is one of the classic 'anglicized' names people picked on arrival.

But no. Pure seven bells all the way back to the 17th century. There is some Huguenot in there, but it's a long way back.

I've had this many times, I'm English, my parents are English, I have one Irish grandparent. I don't get it as much now but when I was younger I had people ask where I was from (South West England) no where are you really from? (Oh Gloucestershire) no like... where are your family from?

I've also been asked "How Asain are you?" Not asain, just from England. "Yeah but your parents or grandparents are Asain." No.

I don't see it myself but some people have been very insistent. I've been asked all sorts of questions about my children, how we celebrate certain holidays, which cultural practices we follow etc. It didn't used to bother me too much except when it was suggested I wouldn't understand something because I wasn't fully English. Like you said if really shows you who the closet rasicts are.

I have been asked this many times since, although I am white and British, I grew up abroad. Many people do not 'hear' me as British. I have been told very firmly that I think such and such, or pronounce a word a certain way, because I am not really British.

It is annoying.

It is also not the same as a white person saying this to a black person.

Because there is not a massive history of white British people oppressing people from New York and Switzerland.

Just to clarify, it's not the initial question that's the problem. That's fine. It's just another question like, "what do you do?", "do you have children?" "are you going on holiday anywhere this year?"
Can you imagine a conversation that went
"What do you do?"
"I'm a social worker"
"No, what do you REALLY do? You don't look anything like a Social Worker."
"What did your parents do?"
"My mum was a police officer"
"Oh, so you're a Police Officer"

It's the refusal to accept my answers. The refusal to accept that I am English/British as I "don't look very English."