Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

'Interested' people make time to learn about cultural differences outside of business events, and use resources other than people standing in front of them who they have a cultural power advantage over.

Those sharing their stories here are born in the UK, with British accents and still being asked if they are "foreign."

BINGO

This point has already been covered many times. Perhaps you would find it helpful to read the thread?

Interested = FINE

Non accepting of me as English when I have explained that have only ever lived here, and am English/British by culture and just happen to look brown = NOT FINE

Repeatedly asking me where I am REALLY from = NOT FINE

Asking me how often I "go home" = REALLY NOT FINE

I'm interested in how some people find this so difficult.

I have a large group of American friends - it fascinates me as though they are all "white/Caucasian" ALL of them describe themselves as
Ukrainian
German
or they actually refer to them selves as America Jewish
(i know that's not a race but it's an ethnicity)

I have had the classic convo you describe again and again. East African Indian descent here My latest approach is to make it a two way thing and it is really funny to watch the reaction

Where are you from?
Cambridge. How about you?
Manchester but where are you really from?
I was born in Bury St Edmunds. Where were you born?
Manchester but where were your parents born?
Kenya, how about yours?
That's not important, where were your grandparents born?
Kenya and Tanzania and India but I am interested in your heritage

Etc. I don't know if it makes them think, it probably doesn't but it entertains me

None of your examples are the same as being questioned in your own country, or even local area, by people who will not accept that you can possibly be from there. Even when you live in the same place as them and have the same accent.

I get this loads but interestingly never aggressively and doesn’t bother me, however I can see why it would upset some people.

I love that I don’t look ‘British’ whatever that is (!) and look ‘foreign’ - all things that are said to me often, I think I because I like it, I never take an issue with it, but I grew up going to private boarding schools with a very international group of people, therefore this isn’t a childhood wounding of mine - if I’d gone to a local school and had this teased or noticed back then, then perhaps I’d be conscious of it and it would effect me negativity?

I saw a nice meme the other day, talking about how in nature we appreciate everything that’s different - yet in humans we want them to all fit into some stereotypical boxes, I believe this stems from our media and trickles down into society.
I love being different and these days I’d say I even dress differently, I definitely don’t wear clothes that look like they come from an English high st so I guess I’ve used this to my advantage as in my career it’s got me noticed and allowed me to excel.

FGS OP is British sounding though. Manners for a start and if you was really really interested you need to educate yourself culturally a little if it really interests you why is it down to others to educate you on defineing a British accent with dark skin?

Would you not ask about parents. There's such things as appropriatness you can't just meet someone and (assume) those things.

Yes this! But if you wanted to complain about the poor treatment, how can you prove that it is because you are a poc? I have had to swallow so many incidents of such treatment. It is a real problem.

No I'm sorry, you're not going to make out I am some kind of racist just by my saying that I don't look English. In the context of this discussion, which is about heritage, you know very well that I meant that I don't look white.

If I said someone looked Swedish, you would know exactly what I meant wouldn't you? You'd think of someone with white skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. But that would be racist, would it, because you can have brown skin and be born in Sweden?

This kind of permanently-offended, everyone-is-a-racist-and-should-be-permanently-flagellating-themselves attitude is very, very tiresome.

I am adopted and my birth father was from Hong Kong. My birth mum was white British and I have to say that I do look mixed race, but people don't always know I'm Anglo Chinese.

I was born and raised in the UK so I am a British citizen and identity totally as one. I've never met mu birth father and probably never will. This doesn't bother me much but I think from a genetic POV, I am sure it's better to know biologically what affects me health wise etc.

I've often been told that I look Spanish, Italian, and other nationalities and people don't always pinpoint my Asian heritage. If they are mixed Asian too, they are more likely to notice it. I had a friend at work who was Anglo Filipino and she made me laugh when she said that she knew instantly I was half Chinese 😂

*identify

A lot of English people are racist and xenophobic. This sort of comment to people who are brown or black is endemic and unacceptable. But at DS' village primary school, both him and his BF are white but me and DH are South African and the BF's parents are polish. DH and DC's name is Mediterranean because of DH's heritage. At one point we were told perhaps DS struggles at school because English isn't his first language (it absolutely is, as it is for both me and DH). Both boys have had complaints about their names being difficult to spell. A teacher was surprised that DS supports England football. The list of small relentless things is never ending. And don't even get me started on the patronising comments I've had from people about "not understanding" because I'm not from here (and no, they're not complex cultural traditions but simple things like what the PTA is for. True story).

Don't get me wrong, I want my DC to grow up with some understanding of their heritage on both sides but they are still English - hell on my side I was born in SA and grew up there but both my parents are English.

At least DS looks English as he takes after me. DD could be set down in anywhere in the Med and fit right in so suspect she'll get it even more.

Love it 🤣 no I bet it does and they cut the convo short! Good for you 👍

maybe people just want to ask what your ethnicity is as a conversation point, but use ‘really from’ instead of saying that. I wouldn’t take it to heart. When I ask people about their ethnicity it’s just because it’s interesting especially if there is a blend. I’m mostly English with bit of germanic Jew, touch of Irish, it all comes with a human interest story that results in me. If you’ve got anything even slight exotic about your skin tone I’d be A- jealous B- interested in your story. Even if that story was your great great grandparents journey

Eugh hate it. I hate the implication that my skin makes me less British. I got so fed up I started making up stuff if it was people that I wasn't going to see again. It amused me at least and stopped me telling people to fuck off.

I find this really interesting about America. They undoubtedly have many problems with racism, but one thing they don't do is say that people are not or can't be American based on their heritage.

1. It was an inappropriate question in the first place. The event was an international celebration of the work being done to counter VAWG. Perhaps Lady Susan Hussey could have asked what does your organisation do? why did you first get involved? and, instead of moving the hair that covered the name badge just said I'm sorry, I can't read your badge - tell me who you are and what you do. What progress are you making? What are you hoping from this meeting?
2. Where are you from is okay the first time round - response I'm x and represent y. To pursue it further is just ludicrous, painful and humiliating.
3. Origins are interesting - look at all the people searching their family history and signing up for 23&me genetic site and watching programmes on tv about ancestors. But they are also a matter for individuals.

Also not fine:
Asking me what language I speak at home and refusing to believe it might be English even though I speak with a North England accent

Refusing to believe that a person with a brown face can have a white parent and demanding to know how many generations back they have traced their family tree to be sure of that . Er - I have no idea. None probably. And don't get angry with me because I don't know. I never wanted to answer your question in the first place.

If you think you ask because you are "interested" then do you ask everyone you meet? Or only the ones without white faces/names/accents? A lot of seemingly white British people have very interesting heritages!

I say "why do you want to know?" And then I am accused of being rude. Being polite should not require to explain my entire family background in depth.

“But if you’re from Africa, why are you WHITE?”

”Oh my GOD, Karen - you can’t just ASK people why they’re white”.

Theres a quote from Mean Girls for most issues.

Yep husband has the same issue and refuses to play their game, so no one ever gets the answer that they're searching for. He has to be careful though because it can turn nasty quite quickly

You’ve got funny hair where are you from
im from here - England. I’m British
…(quizzical look) no, where are you REALLY from

Sighhh...And even up to now, you still don't get it.
Sometimes I think people deliberately just don't want to understand. RTFT, it might enlighten you, if not oh well.

The irony is that I look English and sound English, but there are a lot of people with olive/brown skin who are more English than me.