Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

People on this thread have explained why it is racist and hurtful.

Just because you cannot relate to it, does not mean it is not a thing.

I am white.

My married name is unusual. Most people mispronounce it. It's mostly consonants 🙂

I've had the "that's an unusual name where are you from" question many times

The irony being my surname is one of only half a dozen pre Norman conquest names to survive in England. So its as English as they come 🤔

This is such a great thread for highlighting this misunderstanding.

I get ‘where are you from?’ ALL the time as I look rather ethnically ambiguous.

although I am 50% Other Race & 50% English ethnically, I am still 100% British as they are not mutually exclusive and I was born and raised here (as are both my parents) and am a British citizen.

HOW people don’t pick up on my thoroughly Midlands accent and compliment me on my English/ask when I moved to the UK etc. I don’t know.

the main thing about ‘where are you you REALLY from’ is that it is Othering. It implies I am less British and entitled to be here than any other Brit. It makes me feel like I don’t fit in even though I AM British. It is telling me I do not belong.

The other one I get is ‘oh, that’s a pretty name…’ which is actually a politer way of asking ‘where are you really from?’ I always just say thank you but it is always followed by more hints… ‘I’ve never heard of that name before…’ in the hope that I’ll cave and tell them!

where are you REALLY from is a microagression and it’s up to white British people to educate themselves on why it is problematic.

Could you reply with a “ you go first…where are you really from?” Very few British people are native Celts or Picts. My lot came over in 1066 with William from Normandy, probably some Anglo Saxon in there too….

I am a bit bemused by anyone who stupid enough to think they are “ 100% native British “ ,so few people are. Even people who appear “white”,can have Asian, African etc descendants if you go back to 1700 or so. Geez, I thought we all came out of Africa anyway in terms of origins of homosapians

can you throw it back at them to make this point? Or is it always so shocking or bullying you can’t get a repossession back

Wasn't there some kind of war in 1776?

I REALLLY hate the 'where are you really from' question.
I'm british, mixed heritage but very much brought up culturally british (white mother, middle eastern father who left his country in the 1960s and the UK is his 'adopted' country since then.
But I still get the 'where are you really from ' question, most astonishingly it can be from other dark skinned people than white people - such as taxi drivers. One said 'doesn't look like it to me' when I answered with the boring northern town that I really, really am from. I mean it would be more exotic and interesting to give my father's place of birth. But that's where he's from. Not me. And they'd only be interested in him, as the dark skinned/foreigner parent. They wouldn't really care that my white skinned mother came from the same boring northern town as me.

I am mixed race. I've been asked this question a couple of times in the last 60 odd years. Most people don't ask, as they are aware of the implications of asking.

The worst incidents of racism are micro agressions. Things which have no definition of racism, such as:

You are in a supermarket queue, all the shoppers in front of you are greeted pleasantly and with a smile. You are not greeted at all and there is no smile.

You are in a shop. Previous customers get their goods put into a bag. You get yours handed to you.

You are waiting to be served in a pub. White customers who joined the queue after you get served before you.

You are a teacher. A parent comes in to ask if his child can be moved - the child is sitting next to a black child. No particular reason is given for wanting the change.

None of these incidents can be called out. You can't say, 'this person didn't smile at me.'

All these things, plus a few open and vicious racial incidents, have happened to me.

It's particularly irritating when I get accused (by a white person) of being 'over sensitive.'

and being labeled as "aggressive" when you finally stand up for yourself, just like Ngozi is being labeled as now!!

Do you see how its all absurd?

I also hate the implication that it is the role of POC to educate white people regarding racism, micro aggressions, historical context etc. And if they don’t, if they just decide enough is enough and call people out on their racism, they are labelled as aggressive, or having a chip on their shoulder

Haven't RTFT but I've been a white immigrant a couple of times. I get the question once, not asked again. It's kind and people are nice. Context and follow up is everything.

I only ask a POC if they have asked me first and we're chatting about moving countries. Like I say where I'm from, they say they have a cousin there, I ask where, they say wherever, I ask where they all moved from. Then we are in the migrant group together rather than excluded.

I've also noticed it's often when people want to be negative. "Oh Iraaaaaan" with a knowing look.

Exactly. I have started to call people out now, but it has taken me over 60 years to finally do it. I was always told, 'Oh. they don't mean it,' and 'take no notice.'

What do English people look like?

I posted on the other thread - I'm white British and I have been guilty of asking this in the past. When I got pulled up on it I went away and reflected/read, I feel really shit that I was doing sth unintentionally racist. I thought I was asking polite and interested questions.

It must really suck to be on the receiving end of questions like this all the time.

@stuntbubbles Ugh, don’t be such a bore.

As someone with an English accent living in Scotland I get it too, despite having lived in Scotland for most of my life. When I lived in New Zealand I got it, when I worked briefly in India I got it.
Human curiosity. yes it's othering but it isn't usually meant as an insult even though it's tedious listing your previous abodes to people you've never met and the places I've lived and my parents have lived tell you very little about me as a person.

No, you should answer the question @stuntbubbles asked. I am now v curious.

Are you me OP. I am darker skinned than you from your mix my dad is black and my mum is mixed race. I discussed this with my colleague the other day.

What OP is saying is in simple terms that she is British sounding yet because of her SKIN colour, I repeat SKIN people have CONVINCED themselves automatically assumed that you can translate things in multiple languages, that you are from another place which can't be England like THEM.

It's NOT because they are curious about culture because if that was the case you would be more culturally aware.....

Next time fire that same question back, pretend like you don't know.. ask them where they are from too!

Oh but this won't be the case if you are Irish, Polish, German because your skin is WHITE PASSING and they aren't foreign are they?

As a white, blonde woman, I'd like to share my experience of having NEVER been asked this, despite being in a very similar position to Ngozi Fulani (parents are from another country but I was born in the UK). I don't want to be made to explain my family's nationality and culture at work events, and luckily I don't have to because nobody thinks to quiz me! It is very unlikely that I would be seen or treated by others as "foreign", while someone with a non-white appearance might be.

As white or white passing people, we need to remember that, even if people might treat us poorly for all kinds of reasons, the same things "hit different" for people who don't look like us. We also need to admit to ourselves that what we might think of as a polite curiosity about other people's ethnic or cultural background comes from a place of needing to point out differences and assert ourselves as the norm.

It's essentially saying "I've noticed you have darker skin! Why?" - grown ups should have better things to talk about than that.

FGS have you thought that people might just be interested?

It was a fair question.

If you (Skidaramink) are happy for people to not accept you as English, then that's fine, for you.

I'd expect that many more of us are sick and tired of having to appeal to people's better non racist side for them to please accept that we might be considered English, whilst also being a bit brown.

Me too.

is it acceptable to ask your ethnicity?
genuine ask - i definitely have asked that many years ago - i am in my 50's now

I feel what I found acceptable to ask and what my dd who is 30 yrs younger would ask, are so many millions of miles apart.

as a sidenote - when i was at infants there was a girl whose mum is white - she was what we then called "half caste" - i genuinely grew up thinking she was adopted as I didn't know of ANY mixed relationships in rural farm land Kent
I feel utterly shell shocked now that when we found each other on facebook in the last decade it dawned on my that her very present dad is black... I guess in the early 70's dad was at work and mum did the school runs so i never saw him
Ple

should have said - i now recognise that i was guilty of casual racism.

But the difference here is, you do have a different accent to those places you're living. You have an English accent in Scotland.

Those sharing their stories here are born in the UK, with British accents and still being asked if they are "foreign."

I'm English. Londoner born and bred and so are my parents...they are east London cockneys. My paternal grandmother is of russian heritage and my grandfather is polish. My maternal grandparents are English and great grandparents russian. So I am a second generation immigrant on my dad's side third on my mum's. I am olive skinned, dark hair and eyes and yet I'm always asked that I MUST be from Spain or somewhere in the med as I've not got the 'typical' English look! When I say I'm British and so are my parents I'm sometimes asked but where is your family from? And I'll keep repeating that answer untill I'm asked where are my ancestors from and then I'll tell them.