Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

Have a normal conversation with OTHER talking points and it will build on from there.

If you met me for the first time with my Geordie accent and you asked me where i'm from I would say Newcastle because that's where I was born and raised.

Would you just accept Newcastle? Or would you pull out the classic, "No where are you REALLY from?"

If your answer is the latter then don't pissing ask me!

There are ways to find such things out without actually asking the question. I’ve never had to ask people where they’re from. They usually tell me themselves in conversation. People will usually tell you such things if they feel comfortable enough to. If they don’t it is not necessary for them to be asked because someone’s curiosity is getting the best of them and they feel they need to know or ask.

...but it is anything but a positive conversation when one person refuses the other person's answers.

It is possible to converse about heritage without being racist. It's when the questioner has been given an answer, and says, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?" often in an exasperated tone. Not at all positive!

But its not a positive conversation for the person who looks or sounds different. You are putting them on the spot, I hope you can see that now. So many things you can chose to talk about that are not about a stranger's cultural identity and potentially complex immigration history. As @ocadodeliveroo explained beautifully they will tell you as and when it flows naturally from a conversation if they wish to. Otherwise stick to conversing about things you would ask someone who hasn't got an accent or doesn't look 'different'.

@Closuretime
you can tell from the accent straight away from someone who is originally from Nigeria.

No you can’t. Accent doesn’t tell you where someone is originally from. 😞

I'm white British. I live in Gemany and now have a German passport too. I have been here a long long time and have a relatively local (to where i live) accent. When i'm asked where I'm from when I'm far away from here but still in Germany it's usually "do i detect a slight accent? where are you from?" and i name German town where i live. (often i get "oh i would have guessed Holland" haha and we all laugh then i usually tell them that I'm British and learned German as a teen/adult.)

it is not tedious and it's all fine for me. Sometimes when they spot my (ethnically from a non-British country, which has white ethnicity - it's my married name) they'll ask where my name comes from. All good for me and frankly, i suspect that if it was this kind of interaction most people wouldn't have a problem. But i am not black and i do not presume to speak for black people and their experiences.

My DCs have the same surname as me, were born here and are bilingual. You can't tell when they speak one of their languages that they are dual nationals. They are NEVER questioned along the "but where are you REALLY from" even if people know about their weirdly non-German non-British surname.

But we're all white and i know that my friends with Different ethnicities (let's face it: skin colour) do not have the same experience, either here or in the UK.

It's obnoxious. And actually it is more obnoxious to pretend it isn't racism and it is perfectly fine and dandy.

Not just non-white British people surely? I’m white British, was born here, have lived most of my life here and am still constantly questioned and disbelieved because of my foreign accent (an accent I cannot change).

It’s not exactly the same as being non white because I can blend in until the moment I have to speak a word.

I totally get it. Its not the fact that Lady Hussey asked " Where are you from?", but it's the refusal to accept the first answer.

I get this quite a but going to new places.

Stranger: Where ate you from?
Me: The town I currently live in.
Stranger: I mean, previously?
Me: The previous city I lived in because I don't have a local accent.
Stranger: No, I mean where did you grow up?
Me: Town in South London I lived in since I was 6.
Stranger: I mean, where were you born?
Me: A European country.
Stranger: I mean what's your nationality?
Me: British
Stranger: I mean, where were your parents born?
Me: Hong Kong.
Stranger: Tells anecdotes about a nephew's friend's girlfriend's brother who did a gap year in Taiwan. Then compliments me on my English.
End of conversation and looks for someone more interesting to talk to.

My experiences has been variations of the above conversation, and they are only ever satisfied when the answer explains why you're not white.

After spending 30+ years in the UK, of course my Wnglish would be fluent!

Best answer: "My tribe is a quest to a land that was lost to us And its name is dignity, so where I'm from is not your problem"

I often also find it strange the other way round. I am white and do sound British but only got here as a 15 year old and have in total only lived in England for ten years or so. However, people are always adamant that am British. No amount of telling people that am really not, never celebrated Christmas as a child, don't get any of the local traditions is ever accepted. The binary of you are white = local, any other colouring = foreigners is terrible. In my case, people often make lots of assumptions and place expectations on me due to reading me as a local - even though I generally don't have a clue. It's completely the opposite for a friend of mine who is usually read as being from somewhere else.

Amazing link. Thank you!

Exactly this.

I think it's being used by a woman with a motive (loves H&M, dislikes RF, self promotion) to discredit the RF. Unfortunately LSH has been collateral.

@Brefugee I've been to Germany and have been told I'm not British.

Unfortunately my parents didn't have a choice but to have British passports to come to the UK. As a PP pointed out it's "Because of the joys of Empire...."

Incidentally other European countries who had colonies or were colonies seem to be more aware of history, though their officials are more interested in trying to prove your documentation is false. Even more so if your full name or last name doesn't match their perception of what your skin colour should be.

sorry, i wasn't clear. I'm talking about how we are seen as German not British. The fact that we are actually a British family with German passports/nationality (thanks Brexit) doesn't bother anyone except from the worst type of xenophobe (only met them online). It is because we absolutely look and sound German.

My Turkish and Albanian and Somalian friends? not so much, and their experience is much more like the ones black people in Britian experience, even though the Turkish ones are now bringing up the 4th generation and are more German in character than most people i know.

So what i mean is: it generally, wherever you are, boils down to the colour of your skin and being Othered because of it. It is just casual (sometimes not so casual) racism and should be recognised as such.

Certainly i think it is up to other white people to call their friends out on it.

I agree with the pp who said people should stop asking about origins or accents as small talk. I have a ‘non standard’ accent which does not fit any one country and am often asked about my life story by strangers who won’t accept ‘I’m British’ as an answer. For me it is not skin colour based, but I have HUGE sympathy for those who are questioned because of the colour of their skin. It’s not interesting having to explain for the gazillionth time where you come from, have travelled or your ethnic ancestry to complete strangers. People who are ‘genuinely interested’ can be very intrusive. It also reinforces a sense that you do not really belong.

I think there were five different types of British passport, not all of which gave you leave to live in the UK. Not that I’d ask anyone about their passport status.

I do think some people are trying to work out the origins of citizenry as opposed to racist. Even as I write that it’s still rude.

Well. This would be awkward

Maybe.

But at the time my parents, many older family members and many friends' parents/ancestors British passports meant they could come and live here.

Says the racists person implying that people should go back home because we don't want people to assume we are foreign based on our British accent and darker skin tone.

Your ignorant and you can't even see how offence your post was "not you" your one of us....

You may not know a British accent from a Nigerian accent but I do.

Funny but a colleague is South African but moved here when he was 5. Sounds pretty cockney but is obviously South African.

I think that's the point being made.

@Lunar270 please read the full posts. I know you are right but my post was in relation to @Sleekgurl to be fair.

I know the point.

That’s not the point, you can be originally from a place, but not have the accent for that place. It is racist to assume you can tell where someone is originally from by their accent.